Why did you love your mum?

[MigraineMonday]

I had a tough relationship with my mother. Looking back I can see she was very young and in very difficult circumstances when she had me, so didn't have much of herself to give. Even now, whilst I 'love' her, I never miss her, we're not friends and I feel a bit anxious around her.

I've generally made my peace with it, but as DD4 gets older I can't get the fear out of my mind that one day she'll dislike me. I'm very affectionate with her, tell her all the traits which make her special and try very hard to not be contRolling or judge, whilst still looking out for her. What made you love your mum? I've heard people call their mums their 'best friends', did they ever discipline or correct you? How does it work?

margaretcavendish this is a large part of my fear, my mum had an awful relationship with my grandmother. She tried hard not to replicate it but I think it's hard to escape those patterns.

My mum always said, I'm not a friend I'm you're mother. Were very close but in a mother daughter way. We do enjoy some of the same things together that I also enjoy with my friends like sharing a bottle wine and chatting and shopping now I'm an adult but as a child she was definitely my mother and not a friend.

I have an amazing mum who has sort of always known me more than I've known myself but never in a controlling way - gently pointing out errors in my ways, correcting me and making me look to other paths.

My mum is the most trustworthy person I have in my life, she has never told me a lie, doesn't even hide the truth but at the same time never delivers brutal or hurtful truths - I know she always has my best interests at heart. I wouldn't describe her as my best friend though, even though by that description she probably is, we have always maintained a parent / child relationship despite me being in my 40s! I guess if I was to put a different label on it, she is more of a very trusted mentor and coach, I don't see her as equal I see that her wisdom has great value, if that makes sense.

My mum is my best friend I think because I admire and respect her so highly. She has been through some horrid stuff, including my violent manipulative father and she got out of it for me and my sibling, and yet she has the brightest, kindest, most loving personality - everyone loves her! I mean, seriously. She's one of those people you just can't talk badly about!! I respect that, and admire her. She's so supportive, loving and fair. I tell her this all the time too.

I never loved my Mum - I feel very uncomfortable actually writing that down.

Looking back as an adult I can see why she behaved as she did - she had a huge chip on her shoulder about women being downtrodden (her parents thought girls did not need educating and she was a highly intelligent woman) and that took its toll on her relationship with my Dad - and we children bore the brunt of the crossfire.

She also had dreadful untreated PMT which made her psychotically angry for several days a month.

The worst thing about it was that it was all swept under the carpet and the whole family was tacitly engaged in pretending that all was well - bloody stressful!

She is dead now and none of these difficulties were every discussed; and we children had a difficult relationship till the day she died. She was so tied up in her own problems that she did not show any real love - cuddles? - what are they? Very sad, because I am now sure she did love us.

But........after that ramble I have some encouragement for the OP. I have several DDs and I know they all love me - they are kind, thoughtful, considerate and loving. And a joy to be with! Take heart!

By the way your DD will probably hate you for a bit in her teenage years - just take it on the chin and it will pass!

I don't love my mum. She's narcissistic and not interested in making the slightest effort if it doesn't directly benefit her. I lived with my DF and DSM who I adore, from the age of 11. My DM has over the years talked about it a huge amount in terms of us 'abandoning' her, including many letters to me as a young teen telling me 'it would have been easier if you'd died'.

When my youngest turned 11 and my eldest 13 (the ages my brother and I were when we left) though I was crippled by the fear that they'd not want / love me anymore (some weird karmic punishment?). It's taken some time and the realisation that as a parent I'm at the absolute other end of the spectrum from my mother to leave that fear where it belongs.

You aren't your mother and your kids will not feel towards you the way you feel about her. Good luck OP

I lost my mum as a teen which broke me completely. I loved/love her because I just did. She wasn't my best friend she was my mother and I knew she loved me even if I didn't like her choices. Best friend doesn't even begin to define the relationship we had.

It's odd now I'm an adult with my own dd that memories pop back up - not particularly nice or flattering ones. She definitely had her own troubles and there's a few things I would have loved the opportunity to query with her but it has made me realise the bits of her that I will never truly know or understand. That makes me sad but I've never for one second felt like the woman I knew wouldn't have talked to me about anything.

I hope dd feels the same about me someday. I hope she feels loved and protected and able to understand that even though I may get things wrong it's never with the intention to hurt her.

My mum made me feel like I could do anything. She was honest with me. Told me I was beautiful and a good person. She didn't tolerate crap from me though, but she talked things through with me when I was being a shit. I knew I could tell her anything and the first thing she would do was give me a hug. Then, if needed, she would give me hell She was more than my mum, not a friend as such but an inspiration. She had a shit life and wanted more for me. I truly believe if she hadn't died when I was in my teens I would have been the person she believed me to be. Instead i was stuck with a father who focussed on all my negatives and took enjoyment when I fucked up. Father told me my standards in men were too high. Mum told me they weren't high enough.

I didn't love my mother, she emotionally and physically abused me as a child and I was glad when she died.

The cycle can be broken though, I have the most amazing relationship with my grown up daughter....I'm very lucky.

My mum, much loved, much missed.

Treat her like a person whose needs are as important as yours. Let her make age appropriate choices.
As she gets older, you may not like the choices she makes- that's ok. Give her the information, and let her make the choice.

I'm sure you won't make the mistakes your mum made- because you are thinking about it. My DM seems to think we should love her and look after her because of who she is. However her behaviour is pretty unlikeable.

My Mum was strong, kind, caring, independent and would do anything for anyone. I wish I'd appreciated all that when she was alive but she used to drive me mad.

I loved her and I miss her more than she'd ever have thought

My mum is my all time best friend. But not until I was 18 ish? I was a daddy's girl and used to have horrible arguments with my mum. But when I grew up I became more and more like her and understood everything she'd done for us / given us all. We're now more like sisters! She's only ever tried her best and I'd give my arm to be 1% as strong as she is. I feel guilty so often when I remember times I've been rude to her or upset her, lied to her. Even realising where I'd put myself into danger by ignoring her. She was always right! So as long as you keep doing your best for her, your DD will understand when she's old enough. I could go on for hours here about my mum, I can't imagine a day she won't be here and it's now my biggest fear. Make the most of every minute with her and teach her what you can.