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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's dad not taking an interest. AIBU?

33 replies

sunnyblueskies · 14/06/2018 11:35

Long story short. Our preschooler comes home yesterday with a newsletter. Dads and Grandads week some time at the end of the month. Asking if they could spare just an hour to come in and play.

Showed hubby and he flat out said no he doesn’t have the time.

He commutes into work every day and it’s a 5 hour round trip and works one day from home. I suggested maybe he could go for an hour in the morning before he cracks on with work. Still said no. His day working at home is his downtime and he just hasn’t got time for it. I appreciate he works hard but to not be able to give our little one an hour of his time at preschool. It broke my heart into a million pieces.

AIBU?

OP posts:
IsDaveThere · 14/06/2018 12:25

YABU. Sometimes I think that schools forget that parents have to work and this isn't even a school! Surely he plays with hi plenty at home, why does he need to go in to pre-school and do it as well?

AjasLipstick · 14/06/2018 12:26

I think he could make time. It's shitty.

Do you have a brother who would go? An uncle?

Lethaldrizzle · 14/06/2018 12:28

It doesnt sound like he was even willing ro consider it, which is mean. Yanbu

Fivelittleduckies · 14/06/2018 12:30

YANBU. I think it’s a shame your DH doesn’t want to take part. It is a one-off event, not every week. I would also be upset and disappointed if my DH responded this way.

HeddaGarbled · 14/06/2018 12:30

I think he's being a bit mean but I don't think it's worth breaking your heart into a million pieces over!

RedSkyAtNight · 14/06/2018 12:35

Half the class won't have dads/grandads there. I doubt the pre-school expects anyone to take time off work to attend either.
Really not worth breaking your heart about this!

LilacIris · 14/06/2018 12:39

I wouldn’t be as upset as you are over it. Can your DC’s grandfathers go?

HoneyBadgerApparently · 14/06/2018 12:41

YANBU. It's the message he's giving, my down time is more important than my DC. How involved is he at the weekends.

Amanduh · 14/06/2018 12:41

Yab overdramatic

Sirzy · 14/06/2018 12:43

If he spends 5 hours a day communiting then I can see why he isn’t keen on giving up some of his “free” time to go into nursery!

That time would be much better spent as 1-1 time with you son at a time when it fits!

AllyMcBeagle · 14/06/2018 12:45

If he spends 5 hours a day communiting then I can see why he isn’t keen on giving up some of his “free” time to go into nursery!

That time would be much better spent as 1-1 time with you son at a time when it fits!

This. 100%.

MissionItsPossible · 14/06/2018 12:45

5 hours to get to work!? Or 5 hours over the week?

TroubledLichen · 14/06/2018 12:46

They’ve probably included Grandads because they know most Dads will be too busy working to go. Yes it’s a shame but I wouldn’t get upset about it, work has to come first (to pay the nursery fees). Ask Grandad if it’s feasible but it’s really not something to be heartbroken over.

AllyMcBeagle · 14/06/2018 12:49

5 hours to get to work!? Or 5 hours over the week?

They said 5 hours for a round trip, so 2.5 hours each way, total of 5 hours per day, 4 days per week - ie 20 hours per week in total.

If I was spending the equivalent of nearly 3 full days per week commuting I'd be flipping knackered!!

RedSkyAtNight · 14/06/2018 13:17

It also won't just be an hour ... it will be getting ready time, travel time, time there, time back. Plus he then has to get back into work "mode" when he gets back and work later to make up the time. Depending on his job, he may have to rearrange meetings or deadlines.

I wouldn't go in OP's DH's position either.

Original poster
sunnyblueskies · 14/06/2018 18:22

Thanks guys Smile

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 14/06/2018 18:27

I think the point here isn’t that the school isn’t considering working parents (although I’m aware that is often the case).

This particular instance is that he COULD go, and is choosing not to because he can’t be arsed.

OP YANBU at all. He’s being really selfish.

FASH84 · 14/06/2018 18:30

If he didn't have a work from home day I would say YABU , but he does and considers it down time, so surely he can give up an hour of his downtime for a one off like this.

MrsJayy · 14/06/2018 18:31

If I spent 5 hours just on a commute never mind working I wouldn't go to a nursery thing either I think as a pp said nurseries seem to forget people work they can't just pop in for an hour.

Fruitcorner123 · 14/06/2018 18:34

That time would be much better spent as 1-1 time with you son at a time when it fits!

Why on earth can't he do both but soend 1-1 time at the weekend? The nursery presumably does this once a year and lots of the other children will have parents and grandparents there and he could go but doesn't. It's not the little toddlers fault that his dad has that ridiculous commute. He has to take some responsibility for his choices, it doesn't mean his son should miss out.

He could go and is choosing not to. Many dads would probably love to go but actually can't. He is being selfish.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 14/06/2018 18:36

YABVU and dramatic. He has a very long commute.

BeanJen · 14/06/2018 18:47

Yanbu. It's a bit mean not to consider it before giving it a flat no. My DH would drop everything to be involved in anything like that maybe you should remind him that DC won't be that age forever and that making memories is the best thing you can do with your day. As if spending a bit of fun time in your DC's classroom isn't down time?!

DuchyDuke · 14/06/2018 18:49

Working from home isn’t ‘down time’, it’s work.

Fruitcorner123 · 14/06/2018 18:54

DuchyDuke I read it as the DH calling it downtime himself.

ginswinger · 14/06/2018 18:57

He has no clue how wide the smile his DC will give him when he gets there. YY he should spare the time, his priorities need refocussing