Are my expectations of ds completely unrealistic?

[Findthewhitehorse]

Ds is 10. I have some basic things that I expect of him but that never happen. These are.

Bring his dirty cup down in the morning from his bedtime drink.

Take his breakfast bowl into the kitchen and wipe up his spilt milk.

Hang his school uniform up after school or at least lay it out (not throw it on the floor all around the house).

Put his shoes away instead of leaving them in the middle of the hallway.

Hang his coat up.

Put his lunchbox in the kitchen not left in the car or dumped on the floor.

Put his dirty socks and boxers in the wash basket not chucked on MY bedroom floor.

Hang his wet towel on the towel radiator, not throw it in the corner of MY bedroom then keep getting a fresh one out every time he showers (twice a day).

Not get changed 3 times in an evening getting each set of clothes covered in mud or food.

Not shove all his dirty clothes back in the drawers when I sent him to pick up, and put clean ones in the wash basket.

Is this all normal or is my ds particularly inconsiderate?

p.p.s. I hope 'wise elders' isn't offensive in any way! I didn't mean to imply you are old only that you've been on the boards for quite a while and are wise.

Very happy with “wise elder” although most would disagree. I self identify as a Crone.......,,,

I see it as children over a certain age should get pocket money, in order to have some independence and choice over consumption.

Children over a certain age should do some jobs around the house because they live in it and,jobs need doing.

The two are separate. Linking pocket money to chores seems both a bit too harsh and a bit too lax, to me.

Aah cross post with Bertrand

1. hes male
2. hes 10

3, in my experience he is TOTALLY normal

1. If you find the key to getting him to do all those things please can you pass it on?

YANBU. My ten year old DD has the same expectations upon her, as does seven year old DD. Ten year old DD also helps with the hoovering and dusting by for her pocket money too.

Children need money from the family for the same reason that adults need money from the family that is their own to spend, it doesn't actually need to be pocket money (any more than a SAHP needs to be given pocket money) but discretionary spending is important for everyone, and you need to not judge anyone on what they spend it on. Withdrawing money from your partner because they didn't put the bins out is absolutely shit, it's the same for a kid.

The problem here though is that the idea that you all help out to get the family jobs done is an alien one to many if they didn't grow up like that themselves - perhaps they just had a SAHM who did everything because it felt easier to them, or they got an identity out of it in a 50's housewife sort of way. It is also one that is really, really hard to introduce at 10, by then everyone kid and adult alike have fallen into a role.

I'm not actually that happy with kids being paid for extra jobs, since there aren't really any extra jobs in a family, and if a kid has the time spare to do it, they probably should. But it's obviously a tricky one as they don't have the opportunity to actually work for money.

Sounds very much like my 10-year old son. I honestly think it just goes out of his mind half the time. He’s a lovely boy but like yours he will get changed into a football kit to play football etc or get out clean clothes on a Sunday when the top and trousers he wore the day before are still fine to wear and are on his floor (in a heap). He is always thinking about something else and isn’t lazy, just forgets. If he goes to do the task immediately it’s but otherwise he’ll wander past where someone else is watching tv and then forget he was on his way upstairs to pick up his dirty clothes etc. Or he’ll start playing with the dog and forget to put his shoes away.

My husband is kind of similar. He does eventually pick his stuff up but it’s not his priority, it’s just my priority. He doesn’t leave dirty clothes lying around the house but won’t put his dirty cup in the dishwasher immediately like I would, he does a round up later in the day and puts them all in!

It’s very frustrating and my son often gets less pocket money because he doesn’t manage the basic tasks necessary for full pocket money. He doesn’t seem overly bothered. These tasks are only:

Putting shoes away
Putting school bag away
Dirty clothes in laundry basket
Making bed
Keeping room reasonably tidy
Clearing away his own things after a meal

They also have one task each day at dinner so will take it in turns to either get the drinks, set the table or clean the table afterwards. This last bit he manages without a problem strangely, although if it’s his turn to clean the table he might wander off and forget sometimes.

I know he doesn’t “defy” me on purpose, he’s just absent minded and manages the important stuff like trying hard at school, being polite and kind etc.

My 12-year old son is way better at picking up after himself so hopefully the younger one will get there and yours will too.

but somehow he seems to slip out the minute my back is turned.

Oh, now we know why. Sorry, OP, but you need to get smarter then him at enforcing consequences.

@PlateOfBiscuits You need to pick a few battles and follow through with them to the bitter end.

^ this

"1. hes male"
Please don't allow this to be an excuse for not contributing to family life. The world is full of men who's mums said that- and they are awful.

I would never put making your own bed or tidying your own room on a list of jobs. It's up to you whether your bed is made or your room is tidy.

I think keeping a tidyish room and made bed is having basic standards. You don't have to have hospital corners or be super neat but I think its a parents duty to instill these basic standards in their kids.

Leave it all. If he has a mouldy cup in his room from not bringing it out - fine. He leaves his skanky washing on your bedroom floor - move it (unwashed) onto his bedroom floor. Take no action other than moving any mess he tries to give to you back in his room. When he doesn't have clean uniform or clothes, or can't be given a clean cup because 10 skanky ones are living in his room he will learn.

My boys are 5 and 6. They've both been doing that list for at least a year. Nothing in there is advanced.
At 10, he should be washing the dishes and doing a load of washing. Hoovering his own room. Probably a few other things.

Yanbu. If you find a way to make him do these things please let me know because I have a 12 year old DS who does absolutely nothing without a battle and loss of screen time. His laziness is legendary but thanks to this thread I realise he's probably pretty normal!

My daughter can do all this at 6. YANBU.