Aibu to want my MIL to text/check in?

[WhiteLily83]

My SIL has a chronic illness and 2 children. Therefore rightfully my MIL and FIL spend most of their week doing the school runs for my SIL/BIL, their shopping, cleaning, taking their kids to activities etc.

I do not point blank begrudge this her chronic illness is severe. She needs her parents.

However I live 3 mins from SIL well a 1 minute drive and 3 min walk. I’ve been on my own the last few days as DH is away on a business trip. I work part-time these have been my working days. I don’t need help with the kids. I don’t have any family of my own nearby. We saw everyone at the weekend so they know I’m working and got the kids on my own. My kids are 5 and 2 so at school/Childminder while I work and I do all drop offs and pick ups.

Anyway I always end up driving past SILs house on my various trips out and I’ve seen FIL and MILs cars.

I’ve not had a text/call no contact at all. I know IABU to feel sad. My kids notice their grandparent’s cars outside their cousin’s house all the time and know GPs help because their Auntie is poorly.

I just feel sad for my kids - no one checks in with us. Not even sure what I want maybe just a ‘are you ok text?’ Or we are nipping to the supermarket do you need anything? For example I had meetings 100 mile round trip today - awful headache. Stressful meeting.

I forgot stuff for little ones lunch tomorrow so had them both in the supermarket at 1845 after picking up. Nightmare!

Anyway knowing my SILs circumstances and the fact I know my in laws are not unkind people - IABU to feel sad I know. I suppose I just thought they might check in with me and the kids.

I’d probably feel sad they hadn’t checked in too, but could you not check in with them? They might feel you’d prefer not to be bothered? Or just you’re efficient and can keep on top of it yourself!

Yes you’re right. It’s probably that because we are pretty self sufficient.

Have to be - really although they’re nearby they can’t help us. Once again I don’t begrudge that it’s not a lack of love I don’t think. I suppose they’re busy or possibly have totally forgotten DH is going away!

They have a lot on their plates by the sound of it. Maybe you're just not on their radar for needing help because you're self sufficient. Text them they would probably appreciate it.

Is there a reason u cant get in touch? Ask if you can drop in to sil when they are there? Go with in laws to park with all the kids. It's lovely you recognise that sil needs them and don't have envy. You may have to be the one to reach out most of the time due to inlaws basically being sil carer and support with the kids

Also I don't see mil that often but will drop her texts every couple of days about how kids are doing at school or if they have done well at sporting activity etc. Keeps communication going

They have alot on their plates but a text or even dropping in for a quick visit wouldn't kill them. You and your kids are their family too.

It sounds like your a strong person op. I am too. When your strong people feel like you don't need help or support. That your alright on your own. And maybe you are alright on your own but everyone needs to feel like someone cares about them. Even the strongest people need a help sometimes.

YANBU but unfortunately I don't think their ever going to change.

They must be drained, maybe a bunch of flowers for them and SIL let them know you care for them and they will respond.

They don’t need flowers from me. She has a lifelong chronic illness they’ve always cared for her - once again I don’t begrudge that.

Yes I often update them on the kids. And I will get a response (usually on the same day or next) to say well done etc When we are all together as they’re all so involved in their daughter’s children’s lives much talk is about them and their achievements. When on the very rare occasion we are together without SIL of course they are totally absorbed by our kids it’s like once or twice a year although they live so nearby.

I’ve often thought to just invite them to ours but as SiL is nearby seems rude! In saying that SIL doesn’t invite us and I do think that MIL is closer to SIL than my DH. It is her daughter and she’s poorly. Plus it’s a lot for SIL to have guests even for a cup of tea. They are most definitely SILs carers. BIL has his job to do to support his family financially.

@poptart4 I am strong but like you said even the strongest are human and have their needs. I come from a long line of strong women. We are actually really really strong. My other SILs so MIL’s other DILs probably (and they do) kick up more of a fuss than I do about their kids not getting enough time. They live further away so ILs go spend a weekend here or there with them. I actually think it’s amazing respite for MIL really getting away.

As we are nearby can’t offer a weekend but could offer a day or a meal. Must get it booked in.

Thanks guys I know MIL stays up late so have popped her a text

I’m going to sound a bit harsh I think.

I’m genuinely not sure why a healthy adult only working part time needs help?

You need my in laws. My DH works away regularly and I work full time. They are always desperate to help. I’m never sure what with.

I might need help if the children or I were ill but on a day to day basis .

If you need something specific like babysitting ask but otherwise it sounds they have enough on their plates.

I didn’t ask for help. I asked for a check in I suppose to see how we are. Also I work 4 days. So yes part time but full hours.

I just think it’s nice isn’t it so see how your DIL and grandchildren are doing? No?

How old are the children? Your in laws must be shattered. In the nicest possible way I would be thinking of ways to help them rather than wondering why they weren’t getting in touch.

Given that they have long term caring responsibilities for their daughter and her children I think it would be more appropriate for you to check in on them tbh.

Always gets a bit nasty on mumsnet. They do have time to do their own stuff too! And why shouldn’t they fgs I’m only ask if they’re round the corner to pop in and say hi? Cos we’re on our own? SILs kids are 12 & 7

Maybe see if PIL and the children want to come to yours one afternoon so DIL can have some more rest, the cousins can play and you can catch up with them.

Do you do anything to help them out?

Do you drop in on your SIL as you pass her house so often?

Your posts sound very ME, ME, ME.

I'm sure your SIL would love to be self sufficient.

If you had of written your op with SIL not having a chronic illness posters would fully agree with you, but she has and you care about it.

I have seen many threads of MIL favouring her own DD's DC.

I get she has a chronic illness but she also has a partner and there are care packages available. It would be nice for the GP to over compensate now and again for the other GC even once a month, the whole family including the OP and her DC are been affected by a disability.

I can't see anyone getting nasty.
I also agree with the gist of what Amazing has posted.

I wouldnt want my MiL texting me because dh was away
LOADS of people on here would consider it 'interfering', or 'checking up on me' or 'thinking I can't cope without dh' etc etc - you see threads like it all the time. On those I normally defend the in-laws.
In this case, I genuinely don't understand why you'd be expecting texts from them. I presume, if you had a problem, you'd ask.

So yes, IMO, YABU.

“nasty”? WhiteLily?

Which part was nasty?

Gosh, I'd rather my mil didn't check in. She knows I know where she is if I need her. I'd leave them to it. Not in a mean way, just everyone's busy, let them get on with it, way.

Thanks everyone. I don’t mean to come across me me me. Neither do I want to drip feed. I can tell you now I’m not me me me. I give too much of myself to others. There isn’t much left of me. Perhaps that’s why I’m exhausted.

I don’t or can’t just drop in on SiL I’ve tried and they talk to use at the front door for 5 mins or so. My ILs are not drop in kind of people you have to plan in advance. Outside of caring for their daughter they rightfully so have their hobbies and commitments and their own house to run!

Would love to live near my family. For various reasons including their dysfunctionality it’s better for us not to - there are various addictions in the family and I wouldn’t want the kids exposed to the chaos that brings. My own father was an alcoholic and I had such a chaotic upbringing that being here is better but I do miss my mother a lot. My siblings have been affected by his alcoholism and have developed addictions of their own.

My ILs are very well off. My SILs illness although very obvious to us it can be hidden to the wider world to an extent. They are proud people and on a day to day basis SIL can do her own self care - get her hair and nails done. Etc it’s rhe kids that take up their time even at the weekends they Help them with their activities - e.g driving. SILs kids sleepover 2-3 times a week at ILs. Think it’s easier for FIL/MiL with school runs if they do that and with weekend activities.

My kids see all this even occasionally cars parked if we go ILs SILs kids stayover mine don’t/not invited. Anyway it’s fine. I’m a healthy adult I can do this - just shattered. Miss my family.

From what you’ve written it sounds like sil may not need as much help as she gets. It probably suits her to use her energy for hair nails etc and the in laws do the cleaning, running to clubs etc. Can see why you’re fed up!