To think being childfree is not about having more lie-ins or better holidays, it's because I don't want children?!?!

[HerculesTheBerkules]

Colleagues with kids currently reassuring me that they still go on holiday to nice places every year and now that their kids are growing up they have lie-ins more often.

Me: ok great

Family tell me it's only a few years out of your life and then you get some normality and then once they're grown you've got the rest of your life. DSis tells me she's back on track with her career after a few years out.

I don't have/want kids because I have no urge to, I don't know what it's like to feel broody. I never thought oh I don't want kids because I want nice holidays!

AIBU? I feel like I'm just getting it from all sides at the moment! I'm only 31 so a few years left!

Sometimes I kinda want a baby, but it goes away very quickly when I realise 90% of it is poop, vomit and listening to songs about various bodily fluids the older they get, then it's teenage years.

Plus, it's hard. It's hard work. I don't want to have my life dictated by somebody else.

I never wanted children, then at 34, fell pregnant. Unplanned but we went ahead. Now, whilst I don't regret it in the slightest, I can still honestly say that I wouldn't have planned to either and people just cannot/ will not accept that - I've been accused of not loving my child which couldn't be further from the truth.
You will never explain to people so just ignore them

Even when they are fully grown, you still feel the responsibility, you never stop worrying about them. It's sorrow and joy, pleasure and pain.

I've always hated the "I never wanted kids but had one and now I couldn't be happier" line, with its implication that you either don't know your own mind, or should have kids even if you think you don't want them because you'll turn out happy anyway. And the same with anyone pressuring you into having children through any means.

I see so many people almost suggesting that you just have kids whether you want them/are ready for them or not, and it'll all turn out great. ("When you have kids, you just know what to do. You just get on with it. You feel this rush of love, and everything is all right").
What if you don't/can't? Most people can provide the basics - feed a kid, clothe a kid, and not abuse it. But nurturing a child, giving yourself to them and providing financially without breaking yourself? That's harder.

Once you have a child, you can't take it back. They'll be fully dependant on you for years to come. And your behaviour over the next 18 years will shape the person they become. I see so many parents who have ended up broken. And children/adults who have been screwed up by their parents. Families who are NC. People who have kids and then can't be arsed with them, or resent them, or just plain fuck off into the sunset leaving them behind.

It's like having children is the default, and you really need to justify not having them. But really, shouldn't it be the other way around? Rather than "have kids, it's great!", wouldn't "think carefully, and have kids if you're sure you're ready. And if you're not ready/don't want to, then that's fine" be better?

And I'm not putting parents down - I have so much respect for most. It takes so much to be a good parent, and not everyone is capable of it, or wants it. And that's fine too.

Great post Weird. Having children is definitely portrayed as the 'normal' choice. It's really tedious being told that your don't know your own mind. Parents are generally not asked to justify their decision, and they get a ton of validation for doing 'the right thing'.

Another thing - the 'i didn't want a child but I had one and it's great' people have a vested interest in putting a positive gloss on their situation because, being very blunt, they're stuck with it. Fine if life has worked out well for them, but it's hardly helpful to project your own experience onto others and suggest that others should do the same as you did

It's like having children is the default, and you really need to justify not having them. But really, shouldn't it be the other way around? Rather than "have kids, it's great!", wouldn't "think carefully, and have kids if you're sure you're ready. And if you're not ready/don't want to, then that's fine" be better?

I think this is really true, and society would be a much better place if people considered having children much more carefully. I do also (again, maybe bitter from previous problems having a baby!) think that for a lot of people it's a 'because we could' thing - if it doesn't happen easily for you you're forced to really think about why you want children, what it means to you, and what you're willing to do to get there. But for so many other people having children is treated as something that just 'happens' and they barely seem to have thought about it as an active choice at all.

How about “There are too many people on the planet - my decision not to have children will help leave the world in better shape for your children.”
I don’t know how people could tell a woman she ought to have children, don’t they realise that she might be childless not by choice and it could be really hurtful?

Wow, so many brilliant posts, a busy couple of days meant I couldn't check back on the thread. Felling less like a childless freak now, thanks everyone

*FEELING! I'm not felling anything!

I get what you mean, exactly.

I've got into discussions like this so many times "Oh but you can still go on holidays/they're only small for a short time/ I still watch box-sets and drink wine every other evening and I have kids" and so on and so forth.

The thing is... some of us just dont want kids. At all. Even the 'good' bits simply don't appeal. So even if I could still enjoy my lie-ins, piss-ups, holidays etc. I still wouldn't want them. It just isn't something I want. I never have.

YANBU. I always wanted children and am happy with my choice but I find it odd when people ask why people don't want children. Really you should justify why you do want children not the other way round.

I also think that with some mothers it[s a 'get out of gaol free' card. They probably wouldn't have achieved anything very much career wise etc, but can say that they have given it all up, because it is much more of an important calling to be a mother.