Step neice not calling my Dad, grandad?

[Tack]

So my Dad has been with his partner for 15 years now. My dad has stepped in as a father figure (emotionally and financially) to his partner's kids as their dad is pretty much non-existent.

Whilst my step siblings have never called my dad "dad" and I haven't called their mum "mum" - as we do have our own dad and mum (even if theirs is not really around), we grew up considering ourselves as siblings. I've always viewed us as a close family.

Anyway, I've just realised that step-sister isn't acknowledging my dad as her DD's granddad whilst I am acknowledging her mum as my DS' nanny. Instead my dad is known as her "Uncle"? Even my step-mum calls him Uncle to step-niece?

AIBU or is this a bit odd? Especially when my dad is as loving and involved towards his partner's kids as his actual kids and he has a wonderfully close relationship with my step-nieces.

Also step-sister has been calling our kids cousins, e.g. "oh it be so nice that they'll have their cousin in the same school"

(FYI, hate using the term steps, I do not usually but just for clarity over here I have used the terms)

[Chattymummyhere]

My gran remarried before I had any of my children. My children won’t ever call him great grandad as he is not and will never be my grandad in any way shape or form. His just my grans husband and frankly I’d rather he wasn’t even that, the nasty little man.

[furandchandeliers]

I don't understand the offence op, he's not their grandad so why would they call him that?

[furandchandeliers]

Although weird that he's uncle should just use his bloody name!

[BestZebbie]

If you and the mum of these other children are siblings (half or full or whatever) then your children and her children are cousins. So she is correct to say that! Her children are your nieces and nephews, your children are her nieces and nephews.

[Letmesuckyourblood]

chatty seems like your circumstances are a little different tho as clearly you don't get on with this man at all

[Floeer]

Letmesuckyourblood Yes he is very close, he actually sees and babysits step-niece more frequent than my DS. And it is well commented on in the "family" how my step-niece's favourite person is my Dad

I think that my step-sister's biological dad has only actually met Step-niece 3 times tops in 2 years

[Ketzele]

My mum's stepdad was always 'Uncle' to me. I've no idea why - I've never even thought about it!

[Letmesuckyourblood]

Floeer all very strange to me but that's my opinion

[Floeer]

BestZebbie me and my step-sister aren't related at all so no our kids shouldn't be called cousins

Chattymummyhere that is how I feel about my step-dad, me and him openly hate each other, BUT he is amazing with DS and I wouldn't ever stop that relationship because they are so good together. I give step-dad title of Grandad

[Knittedfairies]

Perhaps she doesn’t like the ‘dad’ part of grandad?

[Floeer]

Letmesuckyourblood strange to me too but I guess, from reading other step-family MN posts, it appears step families are very complicated relationships (as all relationships are).

[Floeer]

Knittedfairies could have gone for grandpops or grandpa, pops, gramps? Actually interestingly Dad's name could be moulded into a variant of granddad... only just realised!

[Floeer]

karyatide read my post upthread, I just said something similar actually. I think I am just beginning to realise how rejected I am feeling from my step-family.

[NordicNobody]

I've never called my step mum "mum" but I do refer to here as granny to DS. I don't feel hugely comfortable doing so as she was quite cruel to me growing up and her and my mum have never got on. I call her "granny X (her name)" whilst my mum is just "granny" but it's mostly just to save any arguments. If I felt like it wouldn't cause a drama I'd just use her name rather than a title. My own step grandparents I have always just called by their names, but I always refer to my half brother and sister as just my brother and sister. I do find all this stuff to be a bit of a minefield though, and I think I give it more or less thought depending on how I feel about the person (love my little brother and sister to bits and would never dream of using the "half" description, but don't like my step mum much so feel a bit uncomfortable calling her "granny" etc).

[Piffle11]

Why don't you ask your step sister? I don't know many people who have parents that aren't around, but the 2 I do for some reason seem to hold them in great esteem. A friend's DF left the family home (affair) when the DC were under 10 and moved hundreds of miles away … contact is sporadic at best, yet my friend and his siblings think he's great. Friend wouldn't dream of letting another man be 'granddad' no matter how great he was. Both my Grandmothers were dead before I was born: one Grandfather had remarried but my DM always made sure I was aware that this woman wasn't my 'real' Grandmother - not sure why, from what I can remember she was nice enough. My DC don't refer to MIL's DH (2nd husband) as Grandfather, but that's because he doesn't bother with them at all, so I really don't want him being referred to as DGF.

[Ebeneser]

It's a hard one, but at the end of the day I guess it's what works for other people.
My mum has remarried, and I think my step dad is a bit of a dick. My sister and I just call him by his name. However my sisters kids call him grandad (my actual father died before they were born). My partner doesn't like my step dad at all, and doesn't want our child calling him grandad. Personally I'm not bothered about it, even though I don't have a high opinion of him. I think to keep the peace with my mum it would be easier to just go with grandad.

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

Sounds to me like your stepsister's father is a complete waste of space and that's probably why 'dad' titles have emotional significance to her. Calling your father 'grandad' would probably feel like officially giving up on the idea of her own father ever being an actual grandad to her children. Bit of a painful thing to confront, I think.

I really do think it's going to be about the way she feels about her absent father than anything your father has done.

[Missingstreetlife]

Lots of kids have called their parents close friend auntie or uncle when they are not. In a way this is more natural than mum or dad because you can have auntie or uncle by marriage.
It doesn't matter as long as people are clear and comfortable. Do what you want and let them do the same.
We called all adults by name after we were about 12.
Cousins is a bit more generic, can be close or not, so it's fine.

[SirVixofVixHall]

Uncle is strange . I understand that as he isn’t technically their actual Grandad, then Grandad might be confusing, or hurtful to the real Grandad, but I think he should in that case have been given his own pet name, rather than Uncle.

[pigsDOfly]

Yes, calling him uncle is rather odd, but if that's all she's comfortable with there's not a lot anyone else can do about it.

[Miladamermalada]

This is one of the problems of stepfamilies.
IMO you can't make them call him grandad, because he isn't. They also don't want to call him by first name as it's disrespectful, so they call him uncle. It's confusing, but not awful, and just one of those things about stepfamilies.

[Floeer]

NordicNobody bloomin complicated isn't it!

Piffle11 I also know people like who you describe but the way I have heard step-sister talk about her dad with such venom I don't think it applies.

karyatide that's okay and thank you

Ebeneser yeah I cant stand my step-dad but still given him title of Grandad, I don't think its fair for DS' relationship with him to be blighted by my relationship with him

JamieVardysHavingAParty it could be that. She insisted upon a "traditional" wedding despite her poor relationship with her dad and Family wedding photos we of only biological relatives despite apparently not liking them or knowing them very well.

Missingstreetlife I think I will only feel comfortable if we are all doing the same so we are all on same page. I don't want DS to feel like his granddad isn't a worthy granddad to step-niece yet her nanny is worthy to him, if that makes sense?

SirVixofVixHall I guess I just don't see Grandad being hurtful because usually people have multiple granddads anyway? But yes, a shorter version like "pops" or "gramps" might have suited better

[Floeer]

I think I am only going to feel comfortable if we revert back to calling everyone in step-family by their name rather than titles if step-family aren't happy to give titles either. Should point out that they don't always call Dad "uncle" its probably only about 1/3 of the time, rest of the time its just his name.