Step neice not calling my Dad, grandad?

[Tack]

So my Dad has been with his partner for 15 years now. My dad has stepped in as a father figure (emotionally and financially) to his partner's kids as their dad is pretty much non-existent.

Whilst my step siblings have never called my dad "dad" and I haven't called their mum "mum" - as we do have our own dad and mum (even if theirs is not really around), we grew up considering ourselves as siblings. I've always viewed us as a close family.

Anyway, I've just realised that step-sister isn't acknowledging my dad as her DD's granddad whilst I am acknowledging her mum as my DS' nanny. Instead my dad is known as her "Uncle"? Even my step-mum calls him Uncle to step-niece?

AIBU or is this a bit odd? Especially when my dad is as loving and involved towards his partner's kids as his actual kids and he has a wonderfully close relationship with my step-nieces.

Also step-sister has been calling our kids cousins, e.g. "oh it be so nice that they'll have their cousin in the same school"

(FYI, hate using the term steps, I do not usually but just for clarity over here I have used the terms)

[AmazingBouncingFerret]

I called my step-grandad ‘uncle’ mainly because he was actually my great uncle. When my actual grandad died, my grandmother ended up with his brother.

Doesn’t help your situation but I like to trot out the story every now and then!

[Shutupanddance1]

Yep, another here saying stay out of it.

My mum remarried and I don’t particularly like my stepdad, I’m cordial to him and all that like and I don’t really bring up the granda issue. My DD (who is only 2) doesn’t see him that often so we’ve managed to side step that issue but I do chat to my dad so he’s grandad and my step-dad is just his name. I also don’t call my step siblings ‘aunts’ as it would just be strange to me.

[crispysausagerolls]

I actually really know what you are talking about, and I agree with you!

DH’s grandfather remarried 40 years ago and practically raised DH’s mother. Despite that, DH always called this woman by her name, which I think is a very unfair representation of how much she has done for him and his mother. Meanwhile his awful actual grandmother is called granny despite seeing him once a year and being a nightmare. I have made it clear to him that we will be calling her by a proper great-grandmother name for our DC because that’s what she deserves after all of the love and support she has shown us!

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

When I was young my grandma remarried. I could never call him grandad and so it feels weird encouraging my son to call him grandad. On the flip side my other grandma remarried before I was born but he isn't my biological grandad. He's been there all my life so I call him grandad and so does my son. It could be about what feels comfortable to her. I've never been one for calling people family names when they aren't.

[KurriKurri]

I think it is a little odd - he isn;t her grandad, but he's definitely not her uncle. His role is presumably that of a grandad. I think in this situation children oftne reer to blodd relation as Grandad, and the step relation as Grandad Jim or whatever his name is.

But I guess it's their choice and not a lot you can do about it. Really up to your Dad to say something if it upsets him - but maybe he's not bothered about it.

[sockunicorn]

Also I have a half sister (same mother but not brought up together). My kids have met her once in 10 years. They call her by her first name. However her daughters they see several times a year (at their grandmas house). I also see her daughters (she leaves them unattended with grandma 2 days a week whereas i dont need child care so never leave my children there). They refer to them as their cousins. Nobody questions it.

[sockunicorn]

What im not understanding is why they HAVE to call him grandad. Just because you call her Nanny. its not always a "One size fits all". You may be "auntie" because youve earned it and she sees you as a sister. Just like "Nanny" may have earned her title so "Sue" (or whatever her name may be) doesnt feel enough.

I dont think stripping everyone step of titles is justified. If your step sister is a good sister/auntie then keep the titles. Same for you. You only see the outside of her relationship with your dad. Maybe its just not as good as your is with her mum.

She clearly doesnt feel he is dad/grandad. For whatever reasons. Things may have gone on that you have no idea about, or maybe its feelings to do with her bio dad or whatever.

However I would just let it lie and carry on as you are. He clearly isnt bothered (and probably feels/knows the reason) or he would have said something himself surely. Or got his wife to.

[hammeringinmyhead]

My grandad remarried when I was about 3 and my mum was 30. His first wife, my grandma, died before I was born. We all called her by her first name because she wasn't my mum's mum or my grandma. I think auntie would have been odd though.

[Floeer]

I suppose I just see that usually people already have multiple granddads and step-niece and my DS are being bought up knowing these people straight away and instantly having relationships with them like that of a grandparent.

Each to their own I guess.

I'll start reverting back to names rather than titles for that side of the step-family now

[mumtomaxwell]

My husband’s step parents are not our children’s grandparents. We call them by their first names. His parents are grandma/grandpa - same as mine.

Similarly both our brothers are the children’s uncles, my husband’s step brother is not.

[Chattymummyhere]

Your right mine is slightly different. Then even if he was a great person I still wouldn’t let my children call him it. It would be disrespectful to my actual grandad Even though he isn’t with us anymore. I just think if I soundly cal him my grandad then my children shouldn’t call their great grandad.

[DragonMummy1418]

My kids and my nieces and nephews have different names for the same grandparents. It doesn't matter.
Grandma, Mum, daughter, wife, sister... all for one person, everyone calls everyone different names, it would only be weird if your kids were using two different names.

[ajandjjmum]

Could you speak to your step-mum, and say that you're getting mixed messages - do your step family want to be referred to by family titles, or not, as you've noticed that your SS is not calling your DF Grandad, although your DC call her Grandma (or whatever)?

If there is some discomfort, better it is addressed and smoothed over now, rather than fester over the years. You could say that you feel rather hurt on behalf of your Dad, as he is so fond of all the GC.

Also, the children can adapt whilst they're young more easily.

Or maybe let things lie - depends how important it is to you.

[Floeer]

I think I am only going to feel comfortable if we revert back to calling everyone in step-family by their name rather than titles if step-family aren't happy to give titles either. Should point out that they don't always call Dad "uncle" its probably only about 1/3 of the time, rest of the time its just his name.

[Floeer]

NordicNobody bloomin complicated isn't it!

Piffle11 I also know people like who you describe but the way I have heard step-sister talk about her dad with such venom I don't think it applies.

karyatide that's okay and thank you

Ebeneser yeah I cant stand my step-dad but still given him title of Grandad, I don't think its fair for DS' relationship with him to be blighted by my relationship with him

JamieVardysHavingAParty it could be that. She insisted upon a "traditional" wedding despite her poor relationship with her dad and Family wedding photos we of only biological relatives despite apparently not liking them or knowing them very well.

Missingstreetlife I think I will only feel comfortable if we are all doing the same so we are all on same page. I don't want DS to feel like his granddad isn't a worthy granddad to step-niece yet her nanny is worthy to him, if that makes sense?

SirVixofVixHall I guess I just don't see Grandad being hurtful because usually people have multiple granddads anyway? But yes, a shorter version like "pops" or "gramps" might have suited better

[Miladamermalada]

This is one of the problems of stepfamilies.
IMO you can't make them call him grandad, because he isn't. They also don't want to call him by first name as it's disrespectful, so they call him uncle. It's confusing, but not awful, and just one of those things about stepfamilies.

[pigsDOfly]

Yes, calling him uncle is rather odd, but if that's all she's comfortable with there's not a lot anyone else can do about it.

[SirVixofVixHall]

Uncle is strange . I understand that as he isn’t technically their actual Grandad, then Grandad might be confusing, or hurtful to the real Grandad, but I think he should in that case have been given his own pet name, rather than Uncle.

[Missingstreetlife]

Lots of kids have called their parents close friend auntie or uncle when they are not. In a way this is more natural than mum or dad because you can have auntie or uncle by marriage.
It doesn't matter as long as people are clear and comfortable. Do what you want and let them do the same.
We called all adults by name after we were about 12.
Cousins is a bit more generic, can be close or not, so it's fine.

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

Sounds to me like your stepsister's father is a complete waste of space and that's probably why 'dad' titles have emotional significance to her. Calling your father 'grandad' would probably feel like officially giving up on the idea of her own father ever being an actual grandad to her children. Bit of a painful thing to confront, I think.

I really do think it's going to be about the way she feels about her absent father than anything your father has done.

[Ebeneser]

It's a hard one, but at the end of the day I guess it's what works for other people.
My mum has remarried, and I think my step dad is a bit of a dick. My sister and I just call him by his name. However my sisters kids call him grandad (my actual father died before they were born). My partner doesn't like my step dad at all, and doesn't want our child calling him grandad. Personally I'm not bothered about it, even though I don't have a high opinion of him. I think to keep the peace with my mum it would be easier to just go with grandad.

[Piffle11]

Why don't you ask your step sister? I don't know many people who have parents that aren't around, but the 2 I do for some reason seem to hold them in great esteem. A friend's DF left the family home (affair) when the DC were under 10 and moved hundreds of miles away … contact is sporadic at best, yet my friend and his siblings think he's great. Friend wouldn't dream of letting another man be 'granddad' no matter how great he was. Both my Grandmothers were dead before I was born: one Grandfather had remarried but my DM always made sure I was aware that this woman wasn't my 'real' Grandmother - not sure why, from what I can remember she was nice enough. My DC don't refer to MIL's DH (2nd husband) as Grandfather, but that's because he doesn't bother with them at all, so I really don't want him being referred to as DGF.

[NordicNobody]

I've never called my step mum "mum" but I do refer to here as granny to DS. I don't feel hugely comfortable doing so as she was quite cruel to me growing up and her and my mum have never got on. I call her "granny X (her name)" whilst my mum is just "granny" but it's mostly just to save any arguments. If I felt like it wouldn't cause a drama I'd just use her name rather than a title. My own step grandparents I have always just called by their names, but I always refer to my half brother and sister as just my brother and sister. I do find all this stuff to be a bit of a minefield though, and I think I give it more or less thought depending on how I feel about the person (love my little brother and sister to bits and would never dream of using the "half" description, but don't like my step mum much so feel a bit uncomfortable calling her "granny" etc).

[Floeer]

karyatide read my post upthread, I just said something similar actually. I think I am just beginning to realise how rejected I am feeling from my step-family.