To think ‘you look too young to be her mum’ is not a compliment?

[TheActualRealCinderella]

I’m short, flat chested and have a chubby face. At first glance and from the back before they clock the bags under my eyes, and jaded cynicism some people think I’m a lot younger than I am.

I had my child at 23 but looked like a teen then. Ever since I’ve got ‘ooh you don’t look old enough to be her mum!’

Why am I supposed to take it as a compliment. The message is actually ‘you look like you must have been a silly teenager who got knocked up’.

I understand people do become mothers young, and feel compassion towards someone (usually) in a difficult situation, doing their best. I’m not slagging off teen mums, just asking what is meant to be a compliment about ‘you look too young to be x’s mother’.

Think it depends on how it is said, I've experienced it once only and made me feel quite annoyed. At my baby shower a member for staff where we went for afternoon tea said who's Mum and looked around fairly odd as I was 8 months at a time I did carry quite small and am petite but definitely looked heavily pregnant, and then said twice you look too young to be having a baby. This made me feel slightly judged and uncomfortable. I found it odd as I'm not young to be a Mum at 30, but if i had been 21 for example would have felt very judged.

I’ll cross that off the list of small talk then. Never ever say anything intended as a compliment. Never say anything at all..😬 As a judgemental old bat I do take exception to that description though.

I get this all the time and take it as a compliment. My eldest is 17 and I’m 37.

WhipIt You just never know if your small talk might be Triggering. Do not mention;
a wedding- someone might be getting a divorce,
your dog- theirs might have just died,
any weight loss- you're implying they were fat,
a new hair style- you're basically saying their old hair looked shit,
the weather - they lost their family in a freak storm, don't be so insensitive,
any reference to age (however complimentary you might think you're being) you're having a dig.

Just probably best not to speak

It never bothered me being mistaken for younger. At 25 when I got married, the registrar thought I was 19-20. And I was told I look 23 when I was 29.

I don't believe people who are in their early to mid 30s who say they get mistaken for 15 though, that's just laughable. Anyone who says you look 15 when you're biologically old enough to be a grandparent needs to go to specsavers.

No-one over 30 looks 15. Cue a raft of posters saying they're 35/38/42 etc and often get asked for ID to enter a 15 rated film!

Even though I wasn't bothered about being thought of as being younger, I did once guess the age of a young woman (who was new at the workplace I was at at the time,) as 19. She was 24, and she went fucking mental.

You'd have thought I'd have tried to steal from her. She took it as a great insult. She didn't last long there by the way. People who such precious drama queens, will struggle to get very far in the real world, unless they change their attitude.

@TheActualRealCinderella

You have a massive chip on your shoulder. You also sound immature and very rude and obnoxious. Calling women who think you are younger than your age 'judgemental old bats.' (9 or 10 posts down on the previous page!)

Grow up FFS.

PMSL @ilostitintheearly90s

It never fails to surprise me how easily some people get offended.

It's clearly meant as a compliment. No one is saying did you get knocked up as a teenager, that's bonkers.

I get it, oh you look too young to have a 21 year old daughter. Never once have I thought somone is insinuating I had her as a teen.

It is a throwaway compliment, get a grip.

I can't believe you are taking offence at that.
How can it be rude. Take it with good grace and in the spirit it has been meant.

I would take it as a compliment. How is it insulting?

Reading between the lines, I do wonder if the OP has a problem herself with being a young mother... It sounds like she may do, with her sounding so defensive.

Her having an issue with being a young mother herself would explain why she so sensitive and easily insulted. Sounds like people are hitting a raw nerve.

it's a compliment. Most women would be delighted to be told that

It's a bit like how it's ok to comment on someone's weight when they are slim but not ok if they aren't slim.
Why is it ok to comment on someone's age if they are young but not if they aren't young?

I had my first at 22, had 4 dc by 27. People always comment on how young I must have been. Just hoping it doesn't turn around and I get asked if I'm their gran...

If you have kids really young, then people are going to comment that you look young. Especially as many young women in their early 20's often look 16-17 y.o.

Mothers at the opposite end of the scale get the same sort of thing going on. Except people will think (and sometimes say) that they look too old to have a baby/young child.

Eg, someone who has a baby at 42-43, will get people thinking they are the child's gran by the time the kid goes to school, because they will be nearly 50 by then, and the vast majority of women who are almost 50, look their age, or older. (Even the very few who look younger, don't look more than 3-5 years younger, so they still look 'middle aged.')

Funinthesun, because being slim and young is perceived as desirable, so not insulting.

Whilst being old and fat is not, hence insulting.

So ok to say 'you are slim/clever/beautiful/youthful' but not ok to say 'you are fat/stupid/ugly/old'.

I can't believe people can't see the difference tbh.

I had DD at the same age & get the same comments, I hate it. Sometimes it's a compliment but sometimes it has been said with a snide tone. It makes me feel like they're saying I'm not a proper mum. Also I would never ever say "oh you look far too old to be a mum, are you her gran?".

This is one of those situations where it's annoying in your twenties but bloody brilliant in your thirties or older.

I had ds at 25 and he's now 15 and I'm 40.

We were out a few weeks back and a lady was shocked that he was my son, maybe it's because he's over 6ft and looks like a
man and I have a fringe which does make me look younger sometimes.

I also have a 7yr old dd and thank god have never been mistaken for her nan, this happened to one of my friends.

Why is it ok to comment on someone's age if they are young but not if they aren't young?

because it's not flattering to tell someone they look old, is it.
It's only people who have a chip on their shoulder and feel they are being judged who mind being told they look young. I have never met anyone in real life who found insulting when people thought they were 10 years older than they really are.

I think that because it is something you are so sensitive about you are reading into it far more than intended or meant.