To think ‘you look too young to be her mum’ is not a compliment?

[TheActualRealCinderella]

I’m short, flat chested and have a chubby face. At first glance and from the back before they clock the bags under my eyes, and jaded cynicism some people think I’m a lot younger than I am.

I had my child at 23 but looked like a teen then. Ever since I’ve got ‘ooh you don’t look old enough to be her mum!’

Why am I supposed to take it as a compliment. The message is actually ‘you look like you must have been a silly teenager who got knocked up’.

I understand people do become mothers young, and feel compassion towards someone (usually) in a difficult situation, doing their best. I’m not slagging off teen mums, just asking what is meant to be a compliment about ‘you look too young to be x’s mother’.

The message is actually ‘you look like you must have been a silly teenager who got knocked up’.

No it’s not.

The message is that you look better than other people they know of that age.

It’s not in any way comparable to someone commenting on your grey hair.

I feel you, OP. I think it’s probably a compliment when you’re older but when you are younger and look even younger, it is annoying.

I had DD at 20 and she is now 4. I probably pass for 17 and have had some very rude comments, the worst being someone commenting that I ‘must not be a tax payer because you had a child so young’ When donating clothes in a charity shop and signing up for gift aid. I’ve hadn’t people assume I’m my daughter sister or nanny and it does grate after a while because it feels as though you aren’t taken seriously.

@endoftheworld
The weird thing is,I used to go to pubs and clubs underage so they must have been really slack with i.d in the early 00's.

They were! I used to get into clubs with a hand written ID ordered off the internet that had my name, DOB, height, eye colour and weight on it 😂😂. The year I turned 18 they suddenly got strict and accepted passports or drivers licences only

@Amazing

The underlying message =
You look like a teenage mum.
That is never a compliment.

It is the same as commenting on grey hair

1. A comment by a stranger on your personal appearance.
2. Basically paying you a compliment by saying you have some features of a ‘bad’ group (old/gymslip) but well done for not really being part of that group.

I'd just accept it as the compliment it's obviously intended to be.

Young, slim, clever, funny, kind, pretty - all valued by society and generally seen as positive attributes, there's no way anyone identifying any of those qualities in you is trying to insult or offend.

The underlying message = you look like a teenage mum.

There is no underlying message, that's the chip on your shoulder whispering in your ear.

The actual message is : your dc looks about ten so you must be approaching thirty, but you look younger than that.

It's a compliment, it's meant as a compliment.

What next? 'You look lovely today'. 'Fuck off, stop judging me on my appearance like it's the most important thing about me. Did you mean to be so rude?'

Meh - I am 42 and my eldest is 20 and I get this all the time or “ohh you must have started young!” I don’t care, I take it as a compliment.

I think the intention is to compliment therefore that’s how I’d take it.

I’m 40 with a 5mth old so would love someone to say it to me 😆😂

“Don't look for insults when none are meant and I think you'll probably have a happier life.”

This ^^

“Would a ‘did you mean to be so rude?’ work here?”

No. That would be very rude

“And being told that at least once a week. Wouldn’t the comments about one’s personal appearance get old fast.”

Really? No. You sound like hard work. People must have to tread on eggshells around you, and never want to make a complimentary remark for fear of offending you. Are you the sort of person if someone told you that you looked well you would think they were telling you that you had put on weight?

There are some really professionally offended mumsnetters on this thread. Life is too short to look for offence in a compliment.

I will be 60 this year and am happy that people think I look younger than my years.

I get this sometimes.
I took my youngest to his friend's birthday party a few months ago and was talking to the parents as I didn't really know them so was just trying to be polite. Suddenly the dad blurts out:

"You don't look old enough to be a mum"

Patronising arsehole.

"You don't look old enough to be a mum"

Although I wouldn't actually say this to anyone, especially someone who is the parent of a young child because I know they might think I was judging them for being pregnant as a teenager.

In this case it doesn't sound like a compliment.

Just take it as a compliment.
Sometimes people are just making small talk and not judging you.

I'm always bemused by

'You dont look old enough to have 4 dcs'

In fact you could have 4 easily at under 20 if you tried.

Sometimes I reply to this effect.

My mum was really offended when, in the 70s, hospital staff referred to her as a gymslip mum. It's patronising. She wanted a family, not a career (not that those things have to be mutually exclusive) and it was disrespectful of her choices.

LoniceraJaponica it didn't feel like a compliment. He was judging me by his own standards and that's what I didn't like.

You wouldn't expect someone to take "You look a bit old to be a mum" as compliment so it kind of applies the other way around too. It's rude.

I was a teenager when I had my first, I was in my 20s when I had my second.

People have said it to me about both. I have never felt judged by those comments. Then again I have skin thicker than an elephant and snideness often goes flying over my head.

I'm always amazed how people can get offended by the most innocuous light hearted comments from strangers.

Try to lose the chip on your shoulder. It's making you interpret a remark like this as an insult. It not.

''dealing with judgemental old bats''

Well, there's a fine example of a cliche based on age!

The world we live in judges people (and stigmatises people) based on their looks and age.

'You look too young for x, y, z' could be simply an observation - neither a compliment nor a critisism. Though why so many people seem to think it's ok to vocalise every thought they have i do not know.

I had 3 DDs by the time i was late 20s and look young for my age. I get the ''you look too young to have a 25 year old DD'' too. However i also get the slightly incredulous look off others when i say my 4 year old is mine and not a grandchild. Swings and roundabouts.

Its intended as a compliment. And as an old gimmer myself, may I suggest your life will be a happier one if you can take a compliment in the spirit it is given.

You are spot on OP. The ‘you must have been a teenage mum’ trope is alive and well. I was at a toddler group with my youngest once and I was getting really tired of this one woman week after week advising me how to parent and told her that actually I have a 14 year old. Her jaw dropped, ‘you look too young.’ .....’oh god you must have been 13 or something when you had them!’ And then she flounced off never to speak to me again. She even blanked me in shops and on the street.

Not 'mum' related but I was once at a family dinner party and my dad decided we might not have enough wine. Being the only one who hadn't had a drink, I offered to nip to the local shop to get some. I didn't take my bag as dad just chucked me some £ to go with so I just grabbed my keys and set off. They refused to serve me and I was annoyed, I was 35! Assistant gave me the 'It's a compliment' line and I said 'it isnt. Saying it's a compliment is your intenalised misogyny that says women should look young, what's wrong with a woman looking her age?!'
I felt guilty for being grumpy with her but not for one minute do I look under 25 unless she'd drank too much wine herself
When I returned with I.D, she told me she'd mistaken me for someone else previously. Which didn't make much sense.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties

No it depends how it's said. The man at the party said it in a very superior looking down on me type of manner. He made me feel very inadequate especially when he also started asking me about my job, where I live etc...

A lady at a shop the other day was helping me with ordering some new furniture for the kids' room. She said "you don't look old enough to have 3 children" but with a smile and a look of awe rather than judgement like the man at the party did. I just laughed it off with her because she was nice.

I think in the vast majority of cases this is intended to be a compliment and not an insult. This is the kind of thing I would say and I absolutely would NOT mean that I thought you were a dumb teenager - I'd mean that you looked great, and no more or less than that.

Some of my schoolfriends had kids at 15 and have been unbelievably great parents - the homes they have provided for their kids have been more loving and less anxious than those that many more middle class friends provided in their early 30s. So don't assume that everyone associates young parents with shit parenting.

Yes fair point funinthesun it depends on tone and delivery.

I get comments quite a lot "You have teenagers? No! You look too young" and I've never taken offence. It is what it is. I was quite young to have children and I do have quite a baby face.