Who is being unreasonable- gym and newborn

[magpiemay]

DS is 4 weeks old. My OH had been to the gym pretty much daily since DS was born and often gets up at 6 to go before work. I do all of the night feeds, and most day feeds and pretty much 90% of all baby related things and 90% of things around the house like cooking, washing and shopping etc. I am on maternity leave and he works full time. DS is combination fed so technically OH could do a lot more feeding etc if he was actually ever here.

Now my AIBU is- should he be going to the gym every day (5 or 6 times a week)- aibu to be pissed off about it? I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go but am I ok to feel really angry he is getting so much 'me time' when I can't even go to the toilet when I want.

This morning he left at 6.10 and woke both me and the baby up first - the baby was laid in bed next to me as we had been feeding both laid down when he wouldnt settle about an hour before - I've been up 3 times in the night already whilst OH has slept peacefully. OH moved DS into his crib and told me I shouldn't have him in the bed- we were fine, no covers etc. DS would almost definitely have slept another hour or so at this time which meant I could have too but now we are both awake and DS is feeding again and crying a fair bit from being woken up!

If OH wants to spend all his free time at the gym rather than with DS thats his loss but AIBU to want to LTB if he ever wakes me and the sleeping baby again?!

OP I would speak to him about waking up you and the baby. If you're the one awake with the baby you're the one who decides where you and baby sleep.
I would then also agree days that he gets up with the baby.
It's so hard for both of you and such a massive change and doesn't help that your hormones are all over the place and the lack of sleep has kicked in.
I'm not saying what your DH is doing is right in anyway. I just remember how I felt at the very beginning of having my DC.

'and pretty much 90% of all baby related things and 90% of things around the house like cooking, washing and shopping etc. '

Stop that right now. Just stop doing all that. And do not, ever, give up FT work to become reliant financially on 'OH'/unmarried partner. Handmaids will tell you to do it all because 'you're at home' but bullshit, it's maternity leave, not 1950's housewife leave.

Don't pander to him, 'Aw, he's struggling, he just doesn't get it'. Well, no one teaches you how to be a parent, you had to just crack on with it, didn't you? So does he.

Start handing him his child to look after and then leave him to it, even if it means going to a friend's for a nap or kipping in your car.

Nip this in the bud right now.

For contrast, my DC is 3 weeks old and DH feels guilty for going for an hour long run twice a week, as he can see that I'm knackered. However, he's doing ALL the cooking and entertaining of toddler DC (on annual leave after paternity leave)

If he was back at work and going to the gym every day I'd be apoplectic with rage.

Your DH is acting this way as he knows you'll pick up the pieces in his absense. It needs to stop now or it will continue for ever. He's massively taking the piss.

Gym every other day and significantly more help around the house/nappies would be a fair compromise

He’s being a dick, he needs to behave like an adult and take care of his child and his home. Your not a single parent but you’d be no worse off if you were

Wow, YADNBU. Two parents = sharing the childcare.

You're doing all the childcare while he's at work. When he's not at work, the childcare and chores should be shared.

Because I did all overnight, my husband did every single early morning wake up. I thought that was fair.

He needs to start having the baby by himself. I think it would be reasonable to shut yourself in the bathroom every evening for an hour's bath. And if he tries to talk to you, physically close the door between you.

Is he taking some shared parental leave? I think he should....

Also, I think you should have the equivalent time off that he's getting. So next time he goes to the gym, tell him you'll be taking x hours to yourself at a time of your choosing. Maybe go to a coffee shop and leave him with the baby?

Do it every time he goes to the gym. He might realise how much he's taking the piss when he has to reciprocate.

No-0ne ‘needs’ to go to the gym daily* unless they’re an elite athlete - and even then won’t keep it up + a FT job as a new parent.

*In fact, working out properly this often is generally seen as counterproductive. OTOH most amateurs in the gym don’t do half they think/ say they do (spend most of their time on their mobile/staring into space/chatting etc). So assuming OP’s DP is even in the gym all that time , he is most likely either knackering himself or wasting time. Either way, It’s Not On.

YANBU! He's getting loads of time for himself. He doesn't have to go to the gym every day.

As for waking up the baby.... LTB!

You need to talk to him. tell him how selfish he's being. Tell him you're doing 95% of the work. Tell him he needs to get used to looking after his own dc.Tell him you need your own time and if you have a bath, he keeps dc away frm you and lets you have yout time. Ask him mhow he'd feel if you turned up at the gym with dc and hung around chatting to your h while he works out.

And get him to start doing the night feeds at least weekends. He's not going to get better at looking after dc without practice. And tell him how selfish he was waking you and dc! Tell him how many times you're up during the night.

What a selfish twat.

if he was truely pulling his weight he wouldn't have the energy to go to the gym five/six times a week.

I also agree that unless he is actively doing something to help at night then he gets no say on how you're managing. Waking you and the baby is unforgivable when he knows you're so tired.

Other posters are right about the need to nip it in the bud if you can. Don't think you can resign yourself to it because it's more likely it'll piss you off more and more. I tried everything with my partner yet two years later I'm still battling with his absolute selfishness, thoughtlessness and laziness. Short of leaving I've nothing else to try and that's the long term plan due to finances. It's not a nice way to have to live because an adult can't be arsed to take on basic adult responsibilities.

My DH always left for work at 6am pre DS because he liked to get in and get a jump on things. No problem before DS was born, big problem afterwards. DS was ebf, woke often in the night, slept only on me during the day and would scream if I left his sight. I had an emcs, post natal pre eclampsia and was caring for DS all night and then alone for a full 12 hour day. I was exhausted.

We had a couple of conversations before DH "got it" but in the end I told him I just had to get more sleep because I wasn't coping. We agreed he'd leave later 2 mornings a week and do both mornings at the weekend. After a few weeks the new routine was established and DH began doing more mornings during the week (leaving at 7.30 rather than). On the weekends I stay in bed till 8.30/9. Getting more sleep made all the difference.

You do need to tackle it now because otherwise the pattern will become established and harder to change. Do you plan to return to work? What about childcare? Will you be expected to do all the drop offs and pick ups so OH can go to the gym?

YANBU. Your baby is only 4 weeks old - when you have a baby your hobbies and personal life go completely out of the window for the first few months while you adjust. And that includes the father as well as the mother. I don't know how your OH is finding the energy TBH, even though I did the feeds during the week while my OH went to work, his sleep was still disrupted and he did his fair share of feeds during the weekend. We were both completely knackered for the first few months - exercise was not high up on our priorities for quite some time! Definitely have a word with him - if he gets some personal time to go to the gym then you should get the same amount of time to do what you want to do to have a little bit of baby free time.

Yanbu

Tell him that if he has such strong opinions on where the baby should sleep he can do more of the night feeds while you catch up on sleep. Let him experience it first hand.

Just out of interest, what time does he get home in the evening?

@Neverender what an excellent rule, I'm implementing this in our house as of today!!

Agree with the PP who says disappear into the bathroom for an hour every night for a bath. Lock the door. Claim not to hear and crying or calls for your attention.
Next time the baby wakes for a second time in the night, give DH a nudge and tell him it's his turn, you did the last one. If he quibbles, tell him that had he done more to help in the lead up till now, you wouldn't be so exhausted, then turn over and ignore.

I think the most worrying part of your post is him getting on the defensive and saying you are being controlling. In this way he is controlling you. He is putting a block on communication so you feel like you can’t properly tell him what’s on your mind. This is a dangerous pattern to get into. You need to sit him down and have a proper chat with him, maybe show him this thread.

He went to the gym or running every day while I was pregnant and we talked about how things would change after DS was born. He seemed to understand things would change but obviously has forgotten all that now! He's home about half 4 everyday and does take DS and feed and change him etc but I'm normally making dinner and getting stuff sorted for the night and we try and go out for a walk all together every evening so we spend some time together so I don't get much rest then!

Have a chat with him, point out he needs to be doing his share. If he doesn't react well to this and step up straight away, start making plans to either leave him or throw him out now. A man who won't pull his weight is a man who considers you a servant, not a partner, and will not change, so it's not worth wasting time hoping for an improvement.

I can resonate with your post OP as me and my partner went through similar- I think part of what it is is sheer ignorance on thier part- my OH returned to work after 3 weeks and I think where they return to a sort of normality they think they can just live thier lives like they were prebaby, where as were the ones who’s lives have been turned upside down and are looking after a baby all day. My OH had a habit of coming in from
Work, running a bath and sitting chilling playing some music in there for an hour!! In the end we just had a big chat and looking back now we do laugh about it. My OH used to need a lot of prompting or he’d make announcements about our baby such as ‘oh baby’s got a dirty nappy’ ‘I think he needs a bottle’ while not actually doing anything about it. Things improved after we spoke about it- we didn’t argue over who was more tired as that’s an argument neither of you will ever win- the other person will always believe thier more tired- but I did say I wasn’t happy doing everything and whilst I was happy to make his life easier where he was working full time that I did still need respite in the evenings and at the weekends.0

I have a 10 week old so also on maternity leave. My OH gets up a bit earlier than he normally would for work at 6am to feed our daughter and have a bit of Dad/daughter time before he goes to work. I can either have a lie in til he goes to work at 7:30am or get out for a run / go to the gym. He does his run after work then we have the rest of the evening for the three of us.

Can you come to an agreement that if he goes out on a morning, when he gets home from work you can have an hour to leave the house to meet a friend / go to a class / whatever hobby you have?

Personally I think it's good to try and keep up a bit of 'me' time for both parents. We both run so understand that each other wants to get out and train and we both respect each other's time. We also both appreciate the time we get to spend alone with our daughter.

Your baby won't know it's having quality family time. Leave you DH to get on with it and take a break. Tag team worked best for us early on. You can always plan time together at the weekends.

If he goes to the gym 6/7,does he get up with the baby on his gym rest day? He should. Always.

Wake the baby take the baby.

What kind of fuckwit thinks their lives return to normal when they go back to work when they've had a baby? Oh a man. Because I can promise you that women don't forget that they've got new responsibilities when they go back to work.

Why do you let them get away with this shit?

You need to tackle this now. When my DS was a newborn my DH was generally great but I think was a bit oblivious to how sleep deprived I was having been up all night feeding and unaware how hard it was to get stuff done in the house. He'd leave early for work and not think about washing dishes or getting me a cuppa etc before he left. I had a meltdown one day and problem solved.
With DD (now 15 months) I made him sleep in the spare room for the first 6 months so he could get a decent night sleep and have no excuses not to deal with DS or help around the house so he did all the cooking, housework etc during that time and it worked.
It's hard adjusting to life after a newborn and I do think men just 'don't get it' if they're not the ones up feeding all night and trying to keep things running smoothly in the house while dealing with the demands of a newborn.
He's definitely BU but you need to explain what the snore is now.

Summer evenings, do you have a garden or live near a park? If he gets home that early he needs to take baby out for his wellbeing, not just look out for his own needs.

YANBU. I would be furious. His behaviour is stupendously selfish.