Who is being unreasonable- gym and newborn

[magpiemay]

DS is 4 weeks old. My OH had been to the gym pretty much daily since DS was born and often gets up at 6 to go before work. I do all of the night feeds, and most day feeds and pretty much 90% of all baby related things and 90% of things around the house like cooking, washing and shopping etc. I am on maternity leave and he works full time. DS is combination fed so technically OH could do a lot more feeding etc if he was actually ever here.

Now my AIBU is- should he be going to the gym every day (5 or 6 times a week)- aibu to be pissed off about it? I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go but am I ok to feel really angry he is getting so much 'me time' when I can't even go to the toilet when I want.

This morning he left at 6.10 and woke both me and the baby up first - the baby was laid in bed next to me as we had been feeding both laid down when he wouldnt settle about an hour before - I've been up 3 times in the night already whilst OH has slept peacefully. OH moved DS into his crib and told me I shouldn't have him in the bed- we were fine, no covers etc. DS would almost definitely have slept another hour or so at this time which meant I could have too but now we are both awake and DS is feeding again and crying a fair bit from being woken up!

If OH wants to spend all his free time at the gym rather than with DS thats his loss but AIBU to want to LTB if he ever wakes me and the sleeping baby again?!

[ShinyShooney]

So he has maybe 9/10 hours a week completely baby free "me" time.

How much do you get?

Explain that how he feels about the gym you feel about "me" time and also need this. But obviously you don't want to lose more family time with the three of you. You should split the time so 5 hours or so each a week. If he want to use his for 3 training sessions thats fine, but you can use yours for a weekend morning completely baby free if you desire.

[ShinyShooney]

You're also already in the pattern where you are the automatic baby carer. Doe he ask if you're okay to look after baby when he want to go off and do his thing or does he just tell you he's going?

What would happen if you got up before him and just woke him up to say, "bye, off to the gym"? Would you be allowed to do that?

[SeaCabbage]

YANBU.

Do you think that maybe one of the problems is that your DH has that misconception that maternity leave is a bit of a jolly for you? That you are mooching about at home not doing much meanwhile he is working oh so hard.

It's a shame that he appears to have absolutely no idea how hard the last month has been for you and even more of a shame that he doesn't seem to want to think about it. It's like he is trying to ignore it just so that he can carry on in his own sweet world in his own sweet way.

If there is ever a time when you can feel calm and can string two words together, do try and talk to him about it all. Before it carries on and you start to hate him. So many marriage problems start with resentments stemming from the newborn stage which don't get resolved.

You are one month in, try and get things on track as soon as you can. I just hope that your DH is open to reason.

[DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg]

I found that given the chance, DP delegates all childcare responsibility to me. So we have a rule. I do mornings, he does bedtimes (now actually, he gets a good deal there - because I used to BF them to sleep until they started going on their own, I got them in a nice routine - so he just has to brush teeth, put them in bed, and tell them he's coming back in 10 mins to turn the light off - it's 10 mins of effort, spread over 20 mins - vs. breakfast wash and dress in the mornings).

Bedtime is non-negotiable. He has to call and ask me to do it if he's going to be late from work.

This does give me just enough time on my own to chill in the evenings that 20 minutes to sit and read, or go and start dinner if I feel like it, or have a glass of wine - just a breathing space where the kids are not my problem.

You need to get this started now - maybe not bedtime if that doesn't work for your baby, but DP used to do the baths when DS1 was a baby - he'd get in with the baby and give me a blissful 45 minutes baby free 3 or 4 times a week - again, low effort for him, but an absolutely vital break for me. Could you get your DP to do that as a start?

If he won't step up at all, then you need to seriously think how you feel about this.

[OrchidInTheSun]

You should totally get your gym stuff on and say bye one morning and walk out the door

[PuppetOnAString]

If he won’t step up I would be questioning with him why he had a baby. Parenting isn’t optional. Don’t become the default childcare. Oh I can go to the gym because magpiemay will be at home. Um..no. You aren’t the only parent here, but he’s acting like you are. His life hasn’t changed.

And you’re being controlling when you try and talk about it? He doesn’t want to hear it. You’re not being controlling you’re just trying to get him to do some fucking parenting. And if he claims he doesn’t know what to do, well neither do any of us, but we all muddle through.

He needs to step the fuck up and stop prioritising the gym over his new baby. Stop picking up all the pieces as this will become the norm and in 2 years time you’ll be wondering what the fuck happened whilst also hating him.

[Inmyvestandpants]

My DH was similar - every morning he'd disappear into the garage where his rowing machine was located and spend a glorious hour listening to music and imagining he was Steve Redgrave. I was stuck with 2 DC under 2, BFing one and the other throwing Cheerios about the place, still in my pyjamas when he'd be all showered and shaved and ready for work.

However, when we talked about it, I discovered that he was feeling overwhelmed himself - with the responsibility of "providing" for the family. Although we might think men don't feel any different or experience any pressure after the arrival of a baby, I think they do but in a different way.

We only talked about it after I developed PND and the psych suggested I asked DH to ditch the rowing machine and join a gym in his lunch hour. Which he did.

We also had an arrangement whereby I did all the night feeds in the week, but at weekends, he'd take baby after her 5am BF (and toddler if awake) downstairs in the mornings, leaving me to sleep in. Whenever I came down, they'd just be cuddling/dozing on the sofa watching sports highlights, but it worked for us.

Definitely don't get into a "I've got it worse than you" argument - it will escalate and won't be resolved. You need to understand his feelings and try to get him to understand yours, then work out a way to meet both of your needs. Primarily it sounds like you need a chance to rest. Lack of sleep makes everything seem so much worse.

[KittyPerry77]

When your first baby is 4 weeks old it is all hands on deck. If he can be up early to go to the gym, then he could be up early minding the baby, doing housework etc. After work he should be home as quickly as possible to take the baby and give you a rest. Really, I'd feel guilty if my early gym going woke a flatmate with a newborn and this guy is your partner?

[Di11y]

Ok I agree gym every day is unreasonable and waking you both in the process even more so.

In terms of tiredness I suggest at least handing him the baby in the evening and saying enjoy your walk I'm having a nap and send them on their way.

You can catch up another time.

[afrikat]

I'm sorry, he is being ridiculous. My DH is massively into his fitness but he put all that aside in the early baby days. He used to get up at 5am and take the baby for a few hours before work so I could get a couple hours of sleep. He would sometimes go for a long walk at 6am with the baby all bundled up so he could at least get a bit of exercise and later when he got bigger he got a jogging buggy. Now he goes to the gym at lunchtime or late in the evening once both kids are in bed. Everything is done in a way that means we have equal time looking after the kids / to pursue our hobbies (or in my case just sleep more) and also spend time together.

The thing is, I didn't need to do anything to make this happen - he just recognised it was fair. He is a parent too so there is no need for more to fall on my shoulders just because I'm the mum or on mat leave or whatever. I don't know how you go about changing someone who doesn't see this but I guess it has to start with open and honest communication at a time when you're not totally exhausted and ready to tip over the edge