to ask how do private schools produce such "confident" kids / adults and how I can do it at home?

[dragontwo]

Ok, I have my reservations about private schools, but I recognise that often they produce kids / adults with high self confidence and self assurance.

I want to know how they do this, how they drill this confidence into them, and how I can replicate any beneficial aspects of this at home into my own kid (state schooled)?

What do they say / do / teach that encourages them to be so confident and expect success?

I know there are down sides to everything but I'm just thinking about good ideas I can help my kid. NB I'm no tiger mother and do my best to encourage my kid as it is already but just looking for ideas and general thoughts on how it's done!!

Just curious!

I'm not sure it has much to do with the private schools as such, although to be fair fee paying parents are often the higher level themselves, with well paid jobs.

Yet some privately educated adults are still painfully shy.

But where confidence comes from is a wierd question. In itself.
At home it's the same. Nature on nurture, why in a family of 5 kids do some have it more than others? I have it. It's inherent. More so than my 2 older brothers. Why is that? My mum has it. Ds2 does. But Ds1 does not.

Instilling it is very difficult if it doesn't come naturally.

Good point above class sizes, DS has been extremely lucky to spend his first year of school in a class with only 18 pupils which is skewed in favour of girls (12:6) and a brilliant teacher who genuinely cares about them

That's interesting @Gretol
We form our opinions based on our own experience I guess. I imagine at ours it's a 'keeling up with the Jones'' type culture, and once one starts, they all follow.

MinaPaws Thank you for returning to the question! all your suggestions are really good ones. Just one thing: "Travel. If you stay in airbnbs and fly budget airlines you can go to really lovely places for the same price as a high season cottage in Wales."

Wales is a really lovely place.

@BlueBiros

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question :)

34 students for one teacher? :0

That's unheard of where I'm from. For states and private schools, btw.

As for increasing self-confidence... As I mentioned before, some of the things in the private school I went to were rather humiliating (like reciting a weekly "self-improvement poem"...)

But I really was very self-confident. (Maybe a little conceited as well, tbh...?)

But idk whether that was due to being privately educated for the first 11 years of my academic career (kindergarten, primary and middle school) or due to some other reason...

Good steering of thread back on course, MinaPaws!

I agree - I think kids who do drama and debating are often a bit more confident than their peers who do more solitary activities (or no activities!).

Excellent point about ordering in restaurants. And generally speaking to adults who aren't family and teachers, really. Just going outside comfort zone so it's not torture when they do have to use the phone (as in a landline!) or speak to strangers.

My dcs have been state schooled all the way and actually there are plenty of "shiny" kids there. They are not all cowed oiks, although obviously if you've paid £££ for private school it must stick in your craw to think that you can get a fairly decent shine for free...

and a brilliant teacher who genuinely cares about them

I suspect that the vast majority of teachers do genuinely care about their pupils. Certainly I've known very few who don't care. Whether they have the time to actually show it is a different matter altogether.

Small class sizes (12!) super confident peers and a lot of public speaking. My daughter is 4 and she is doing a play with a speaking part this Friday. I am astonished at how confident she has become in less than 1 year. I don’t even know what I was doing at 4, not being in plays for sure. Every end of term we as parents are invited to a big get together and the children talk to us about what they’ve done etc, I don’t have as much confidence as half of them! There’s is so much emphasis on personal development and the head teacher really gets stuck in with the kids.

The after school activities, encouraging team bonding are really good too. The teachers are awesome at our daughters place - so very inviting and very involved, we have a journal we use as a tool of communication so we know what’s going on. They also host a tea party for the parents//grandparents yearly. HTH.

must stick in your craw - not really, IrmaFayLear. He wouldn't have got a decent shine at the particular state school we got a place at (sixth on our list). I don't resent the fact that some people are getting better academic results at state schools, either. Some kids are brighter, some are better at exams, some will do better even in poor state schools and definitely will do better in good ones! I made the choice of private simply because I thought it would be better for my individual child. Given the school we would have gone to had we remained state, still do. :-)

I agree with Oblomov that real confidence is partly nature not nurture. But assumptions in nurture can help. If you go to a school that assumes you'll want to go to uni/into the city/earn a fortune after you finish A levels, then those are the conversatiosn teachers have with you from early on and the conversations pupils have with each other over time.

They discuss those as the only options. Everything is seen as an opportunity not a dead end. Got a Saturday job in MacDonald's? Teachers will praise your initiative, discuss how important it is to learn how to run an empire from the shop floor up and send you links to business workshops and internships you may want to apply for. No one would ever assume that shovelling fries for a few quid was ever you sole aim in taking the job.

Yes, sorry for going off topic again!

I was state school educated, as were my siblings. We are all able to at least feign self-confidence when necessary, despite me some of us avoiding contact with teachers as far as possible. The big thing (I think) is that we always knew our parents had time for each of us as individuals, and they always encouraged us to be brave and to completely be ourselves - even though I some of us were a bit strange at times.

I agree - I think kids who do drama and debating are often a bit more confident than their peers who do more solitary activities (or no activities!).

Aha! But are they confident because they do drama and debating or do they do drama and debating because they are confident?

Sorry OP - realised I had veered off question asked. I would say perhaps lots of trips out and lots of interactive play (outside of school) do they do any extra curricular like drama/sport? Those are quite good.

They do?! Lost on me. My DP went to private school as did my best friend from uni and another friend of mine too. I wouldn’t say any of them are particularly confident! In fact, private school hampered my DP’s confidence because he was viewed as a the poor kid despite being far from poor (he would have been a more well off kid in state school).

Agree with PP’s that say confident parents but to an extent, some of it boils down to the child’s own personality.

That's interesting Mina. I hadn't noticed, but it is true. Previous school head used to make a point that A level students should focus on their studies and not get jobs unless really necessary. Current head makes the opposite point - having a range of experience is really important.

IWillSurviv - I did drama. I was an aboslute mouse. couldn't speak to anyone. My dad dragged me down to local youth theatre. It taught me how to be more outgoing and self confident. I think it works really well for a lot of shy people.

although obviously if you've paid £££ for private school it must stick in your craw to think that you can get a fairly decent shine for free..

I did think that a bit. But then I sent one to state secondary and its just not comparable.

I think there are lots of privately educated people who couldn't get a fairly decent shine (whatever that is)? from state schools.
There are good and bad in each sector, a poor state school is miles away from a good private.
a poor state school might not be so different to a poor private school.

If you are interested in your dc and prepared to make up for any short comings in their education, if you nurture and support, give them opportunities. You won't go far wrong.

Will survive its survive its a privileged for the school budget because they pay then minimum wage and the rely on experienced staff to carry them and the fob them off to another private school.

The GDST school I taught in ( and excelled in ) had average 26 up to GCSEm=, now in a comp in `Ireland where maximum is 22, I think you are being ripped off. Best schools in London are Catholic but hard to get into.And can you name one private school student who has no extra tuition, musical lessons etc, the school simply adds to that with a lot of unqualified staff.

I am one of the least confident people I know and I went to private school. Maybe it was being abandoned to live with a group of people I didn't know for years on end that knocked it!

I agree with those who have said, or given examples to, create opportunities and let DC know if it doesn't go perfect that that is okay. Visit museums, let them order dinner, let them interact with adults, kids, etc. Go to events that you might not that don't have to cost anything - i.e. polo matches are usually open to all if you don't want to sit in the stands. The more you open up the world to them the more confident I think they will be.

although obviously if you've paid £££ for private school it must stick in your craw to think that you can get a fairly decent shine for free.

Sadly, that's not my experience. My children went state primary and private secondary (moved sectors due to dissatisfaction with the state sector), and the gap between them and their (similarly able/confident/similar background) ex-classmates is widening and widening. More confidence, yes, but also the width and breadth of their interests and hobbies, and their academic ability and general knowledge, and their aspirations. Yet just 2/3 years ago in Yr6, they were indistinguishable from their ex classmates in these areas.

I think my children, realistically, fall into the "middle" group that falls below the radar in the state system, but are absolutely flourishing in so many ways in the private sector. There is a small subset of children who are extremely talented and naturally confident and who will have that "shine" regardless of which school they go to. But for the majority of "normal" children, the private sector gives them the opportunity to shine in a way that the state system just doesn't.

The greatest instiller of confidence is spending your childhood in an environment of possibility, where you are constantly encouraged to move ahead in multiple directions.

I went to a mixture of both and I think one of the biggest factors is the expectations/ethos of the teachers/school.

At private school, we were expected to do well and encouraged to do so. The large majority of children in my class were well behaved and the very small majority that weren't were dealt with incredibly quickly. Lessons were not allowed to be disturbed - there was an expectation that everyone was there to learn. Academic excellence and performance was rewarded.

At state school, the low level disruption was extraordinary. A fair few of our teachers were always supply teachers who couldn't get a handle on the class. The cool kids were the ones who were not doing well academically. Even when the classes were streamed there was still low level disruption in the top sets. The whole ethos of the school was different.

It's hard to explain but you could feel the difference one step in the door!

There are definitely some private schools that create unrealistic self-perception among their students. Particularly those that are selecting more on ability to pay than on academic ability.