What goes through a ghosters mind?

[Icantseeyou]

Just that really. I can understand why people ghost very early on after a date or two (although I don’t agree with it if you’ve met up with someone in person) but what goes through someone’s head when they ghost after a year? As in making plans for the future min person one day and poof, vanished into thin air the next?

This happened to me with an avoidant control freak who looking back wanted sex /company when it suited with someone he cared about (but didn’t want to commit to) whilst having feelings for someone else who is now on the scene. It drives me mad having unanswered questions, I can’t switch it off. What triggers someone to be fine one day and disappear the next? What goes through their mind when they see and ignore texts asking what is going on? Do they feel bad not replying when it’s clear the other person is confused and hurting? Do they get a kick out of that or just feel indifferent to the person?

Especially if your piece involves lots of crying and begging

I wouldn't have lowered myself. In my case I deserved far better after the length of time we'd been in a relationship

OP, I think you’re looking for an explanation you’re simply not going to get. It must be massively frustrating, but no way is he going to give you any closure on this. It’s his fault, not yours. The explanation is as simple as ‘He’s an arsehole’.

I have both ghosted and been ghosted, but the situations were very different.

I was ghosted by a boyfriend (of 3 years) who just disappeared one day. He’d been talking about marriage and stuff the last time I saw him, so it was unexpected. In hindsight, he was just a wanker and a coward. And I was certainly better off without him. It was weird and hurtful though.

I ghosted a guy I’d seen a couple of times because it emerged that he was very possessive and a bit scary. I was out with him and some of his friends and he was behaving dreadfully - accusing me and his best friend of cheating on him, etc. I decided to just leave the club and simply never contacting or seeing him again was a good idea. The best friend agreed it was a great idea and made sure I got a taxi.

Scary guy decided to turn up to my flat the next night and try to force me to let him in (thank heavens for security doors). One of my neighbours went out and threatened him with the police persuaded him to go away. The whole thing confirmed my feeling that he was scary and not someone I wanted to have a break up conversation with.

I sometimes think of this and hope he remains resolutely single, because a guy that behaves like that on the third date is probably the sort of guy who murders his wife after years of horrendous abuse.

I’d never have begged but I’m sure I’d have been tearful. I’m someone that always keeps calm in these situations, it would never have turned into a slanging match. I know I won’t get closure, somedays I can accept that and others it feels as if my heart has been ripped out.

I understand the reasons why some of you have ghosted dodgy men. But I don’t think I fall into the dodgy category. Until he disappeared, he was in touch most days and would talk for hours. I slept with him and made plans for the weekend the last time I saw him with no idea anything was wrong.

@Icantseeyou of course you're not dodgy, it's right out of order to do.

You're applying rational, logical thinking to something (his ghosting) that is inherently irrational. You're never going to know why he did it, and if he popped back up like whack a mole to tell you it won't make you feel better

The stories on this thread are hair raising... one year, three years, six years... ghosting after this time is appalling and you should try to minimise your time wondering about someone who is clearly in a dark place. He's not worth it

Asleep, thank you, I know I should be glad I found out when I did. I think there’s a tiny part of me clinging to hope that it’s all been a mistake. That he regrets ignoring me and feels he’s left it too late to get in touch with me. And then that makes me want to message him again “just uncase” when the reality is that he’d surely just ignore another message after getting an ego boost. Yet he’s left it open for me to contact him, he hasn’t blocked me. I wish I could switch the voice off that wants answers.

You're a kinder person than he is because there's no way he's thinking about things like this. If he wanted to be in touch, he would

Take the next few days or week(s) to bring the focus back to you. Any things on your to do list, friends, stuff you may have been neglecting

I have been there & the overthinking can control you if you let it. At one point you will have to throw your hands up, give in to not knowing and continue living your life. Be kind to yourself - this was still a breakup and you're feeling rough

I would strongly caution against any 'in case' messages you want to send. I did that to the man I described in earlier posts and it was momentarily gratifying to send them & then he read them and didn't reply and I felt like garbage.

It won't bring you closer to closure, in fact it's the opposite. Have you tried an unsent letter? Writing one will allow you to say everything you want and rail against him and swear, and pour it all out as if he'll read it

Then file it away and watch a movie or call a friend. It will feel good

Also, just a note - he's shameless enough to ghost, he would be shameless enough to pop back into your life with an explanation if he wanted. This is deliberate

Very true, I could go forever giving him the benefit of the doubt just in case he was too scared to get in touch. Anyone who genuinely regretted a decision they’d made would move heaven and earth to put it right IF they wanted to be with that person. He doesn’t want to be with me.

Is it typical of ghosters to reappear or is that usually the end when it's done after something more longterm (albeit not a committed relationship)? I feel useless missing him so much. He doesn't want me, hasn't thought of me since he made his decision yet I can't bring myself to hate him.

The aim isn´t to hate him, the aim is to be indifferent. You will get there, but it takes time.

I’d like to get to the point I did with a previous where his name popping up creates no feelings other then mild curiosity and a thank god I saw the light feeling.

I will try the letter. I feel so angry at him but I also miss him like mad. It’s the lack of control that drives me mad, I feel unheard and I know nothing I do would change the outcome of the situation I’m in with regards to being listened to. I guess I’m wanting validation that I mattered to him.

I did it once. I was 18, he was 25. We'd been together 2 years. He proposed. I was not ready for that so I said no, as nicely as anyone can. He insistes that we should simply talk about it each day and see if I felt differently; it seemed like he was going to push until i said yes.I just started to ignored him. My lease was up so I was moving flats... So I just moved and didn't tell him where I moved too. Didn't reply to any contact from him. Also had to ignore a lot of his friends who had become friends of mine through him.

I don't even know why. I just felt panic, he was so full on and I wasnt ready and he wasn't listening. So I just disappeared... I do feel bad.

Don’t feel bad, that wasn’t ghosting as you’d called it off.

Self absorbed ghosting...ghosting from someone who turned out to be already in a relationship...ghosting from someone who put her cunt before friendship.

He sounds like he wants the attentions so i would block him OP.