What goes through a ghosters mind?

[Icantseeyou]

Just that really. I can understand why people ghost very early on after a date or two (although I don’t agree with it if you’ve met up with someone in person) but what goes through someone’s head when they ghost after a year? As in making plans for the future min person one day and poof, vanished into thin air the next?

This happened to me with an avoidant control freak who looking back wanted sex /company when it suited with someone he cared about (but didn’t want to commit to) whilst having feelings for someone else who is now on the scene. It drives me mad having unanswered questions, I can’t switch it off. What triggers someone to be fine one day and disappear the next? What goes through their mind when they see and ignore texts asking what is going on? Do they feel bad not replying when it’s clear the other person is confused and hurting? Do they get a kick out of that or just feel indifferent to the person?

Changemymind, would you ghost after a year of contact a kind, caring person who’d supported you through difficult times? I totally get why people avoid the awkward conversation a few dates in but after a year??

The real kind of closure is the one you get from yourself. Accepting the outcome, going no contact (I would block him) and processing how you feel on your own.

Closure from a ghost is almost totally impossible and even if you had it, you'd feel shit. I was dating someone who came on incredibly strong

And the suddenly, he didn't. He literally put me on a bus home and didn't get in touch after that night for a few months until he popped back to tell me some bollocks as explanation

I was getting on with my life
when he texted me and as far as so called closure goes, it was worthless. I told him it would have been better if he stayed fucked off and blocked the bastard

Even if he sent you an explanation tomorrow you would still need to work it out in your own head to move forward

I don’t understand it in relationships - there’s an actual get out clause for ending them! Friendships or non-romantic relationships don’t really have that.

Toxic men do this all the time - it wouldn't even surprise me if he came back with an excuse as to why he didn't open the messages.

He turned so quickly because the other woman probably wasn't available the night before, and was available the morning after. If she becomes unavailable again, he'll be back. Keep well clear of him.

He doesn't need to open the texts because his ego is boosted simply by receiving them. It's all about him. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't care about the other woman either, to be fair, but she has something he wants more right now than anything you have to offer.

Imagine you had no empathy and no conscience, and that all that mattered to you was yourself - and suddenly everything he is doing now and in the past will fall into place.

He hasn’t blocked me either which is baffling. Why not make it so I can’t ever get in touch again?

He's honestly not thinking about this as deeply as you are. I doubt he has even thought about whether you can get in touch - he's already ignoring you so it's a moot point

I ghosted a guy recently. I did it because the date was perfectly nice but I didn’t fancy him and I decided I didn’t want to see him again and I couldn’t be bothered with making up excuses etc

Themselves. Ghosting is the cowards way out and incredibly selfish and disrespectful - if you've been with someone for any length of time at least show them the respect of a 'this isn't working' text (still cowardly and selfish but at least they know it's over)

I ghosted a guy recently. I did it because the date was perfectly nice but I didn’t fancy him and I decided I didn’t want to see him again and I couldn’t be bothered with making up excuses etc

How about an adult response of 'really enjoyed our date but there wasn't any chemistry'? No need to make up an excuse but it's almost like people have become disposable

Asleep, thank you. You talk a lot of sense.

Christmas, I think you are right about him suddenly getting a proper green light from other woman and acting on it, hence needing me instantly out of the way. He’s “worked on” her for longer then he’s known me I found out so she will be an exciting forbidden fruit to him.

How do you recognise these toxic men ? I’d been married for 20 years before I met him and still have an amicable, friendly relationship with my ex husband. I feel totally naive. I knew he wasn’t involving me in his life, seeing me regularly enough or showing me off to people but I viewed it as a failing in me.

Ghosting someone for your own safety is one thing. Ghosting someone because of your own issues or discomfort is another.

If someone can't end a relationship kindly and directly, they shouldn't be attempting to have one in the first place. That goes for friendships, too.

While it wasn't anyone I was actually dating, I've been in a position where I've ended up ignoring people I'd been chatting to on online dating because I couldn't think straight to figure out how to tell them I wasn't interested. But instead of trying to justify that and carry on doing it, I realised that it was my cue to get off the site because I just wasn't ready to date.

It's so annoying when people won't take responsibility for their own behaviour. If you hurt people - who've done nothing wrong - this badly because of struggling to have difficult conversations, you learn, or you avoid getting into the relationship/friendship in the first place.

So many people use 'ghosting' out of context. It isn't when you just ignore someone after a date or break up with someone then don't stay in touch.
It's like what's happened to you and I'm so sorry it's happened to you. So cruel and hurtful to up and leave out of nowhere. There are two possibilities: he just isn't bothered and isn't even giving this headspace. Or he is getting a sadistic kick from putting you through this.
This isn't a reflection on you at all.

1% of people are psychopathic and 5% sociopathic so the odds of you having numerous people in your life who can do this is really high

No OP I wouldn't after a year usually. The only possible reasons I can think would be a) if I had been scared by someone and didn't want to confront it but thought blocking them would risk them turning up at mine rather than me seeing if they turned nasty when they realised
Or b) if I had an accident/got arrested/something shocking etc happened and I didn't think I could cope with explaining it

It's very bad form, sorry

BlancheM, you’ve given me the equivalent of a huge hug so thank you. I don’t agree with ghosting after a date or two but I can understand why people do in the very early stages. Likewise if you’ve had the break up conversation and said goodbye after a longer term relationship, I can understand why people need a clean break and wouldn’t reply to messages. But this was out of the blue. It’s never officially been called off, he’s just vanished out of my life but then he was so careful to never officially call it on. He’s still present online although I can’t see his posts.

He avoids any confrontation and even the most minor discussion would be viewed as arguments by him. I’m probably the most placid person going, it wasn’t as if I’d shout or scream at him. It’s hard to know if he’s done things this way because he’s a total coward or if he never cared to start with (just pretended) and now I’m not needed, he’s enjoyed causing me pain. I suspect it’s a mix of the two looking back at things.

Icantseeyou, you can read lots of lists of 'red flags' of toxic men, but really, if you are boundaried then you don't need them. For instance, I have no time for control freaks, or men who have another woman on the go. I'm worth more than that. I'm worth more than men who come on too strong at the start and try to force me to commit before I know them. I'm worth more than men who blow hot and cold.

Lesson hard learned, tbh. I'm another fan of Baggage Reclaim - Natalie Lue is one of the people who really helped in recovering from abuse.

Chsngemymind, I’m not a dangerous or aggressive person. I’m soft so muck and hate hurting anyone. He seems to be fully functioning on social media from the odd bits I’ve been able to see and I’m pretty sure things are happening with my replacement. I guess he’s just a shit.

Thanks Christmas. I’ve sat and done my red flags list based on this relationship.

• intense then distant communication, repeated constantly
• no progression in the relationship after a few months
• no introduction to family/kids/mates
• going out dates reducing to staying in dates/booty call dates
• not knowing what they want ‘allegedly’
• admitting feelings for another woman
• friendships with other women but not introducing you to them

-criticism compliment criticism compliment repeatedly

• lying and either gas lighting when caught out , getting annoyed and accusing you of snooping or acting confused

My ex ghosted me after 12 years!!! I still get angry now & again because there are so many unanswered questions.

He was a lying cheating bastard who clearly decided ghosting was easier than being an adult and having an adult conversation

I think there can be justifiable reasons to ghost, but this guy just sounds like an immature user. I know how much it must be hurting, but the ghosting in itself is your answer.

@Redglitter, 12 years??? Jeez. What a bastard. Did he ever get in touch to explain?

Icantseeyou No. His last text was he'd be in touch the next day. That was 6 years ago. I still feel cheated of not getting to say so much to him.

That must have been awful, I know how much this has affected my self esteem and I’d only known him a year. I totally get you feeling cheated of not being able to say your piece, it’s like you aren’t even worth a goodbye and that hurts.

I totally get you feeling cheated of not being able to say your piece
That's exactly why people ghost - they aren't interested and don't want to listen to your piece. Especially if your piece involves lots of crying and begging.

I have ghosted because the person in question was not getting this hint that I wasn’t interested and I really didn’t want to have to explain this to him for him to grovel like a lunatic telling me I was the one when he’d known me three months. It’s the only time I’ve done it and I’m not proud.

I have been ghosted and also the victim of a “hit and run” a couple of times, some lovely dates think things are going well, really getting on finally decide to do the deed and you never hear from them again.