To think babies just make me feel ‘meh’

[Forthbridge]

I know that I want children with DH, want to be surrounded by our family in the future. Think he would make the best Dad ever, and I’d be a pretty good Mum. But...I’m not a fan of babies. Other people’s, friends’ babies, the “cute” ones in magazines, or toddlers. They do nothing for me and holding or looking at one I have never felt any heart pull. I just feel ‘meh’. I’m also extremely squeamish and a useless scaredy cat with anything medical so childbirth terrifies the hell out of me.
I’m not generally a cold hearted cow. I thoroughly love older children, teenagers and young people (work as a teacher in behavioural unit). I’m also emotionally strong and pretty resilient- just physically squeamish.
I’m 38 and need to get on with it.
Do I just grin and bear it?

I was never that fussed about babies either and honestly, I found the early baby stage with my DD really tough. She's now 4 months and a lot easier and more fun so I'm starting to enjoy it. But I know that I'll enjoy other stages much more and I'm okay with that. Getting through the baby stage is the price I'm paying to have a family.

Some people hate the teenage stage and love babies, some love toddlers and hate school age etc etc. The only constant in parenting is change so if you dislike a stage it will soon be over!

I’ve never really liked babies, they don’t do much for me either. I always feel a little awkward when someone shows me photos of their baby, I never know what to say. Yet I am pregnant with my fourth! I love my own DC and I loved them even as babies, I’m just not a big fan of other people’s .

I have one DS. I found baby and toddler hood hell. I now enjoy him at nearly 9 years old. If I could, I would give birth to another fully formed 8 year old. But as that's not going to happen, I'm going to stick to one. I like older children and teenagers. Small children do very little for me and I suspect there are many of us out there!

TL:DR: It's not guaranteed that you will find your own baby amazing, but you will still care about them deeply and will truly enjoy them at some point.

I'm not bothered about babies either, op. Even when my own children were babies I felt a bit 'meh' about it. Yes I loved them and looked after them and cooed over them etc but I struggled with them and found that baby stage (0-18 months or so) difficult, boring and lonely.

Luckily though they don't stay babies forever and quickly grow up into more independent, more interesting, more entertaining children and then adults who you can have a conversation with so it's fine.

I'm the same, babies do nothing for me at all - puppies now, that's a completely different matter .

I have one DD9, and while the birth part was traumatic the baby-days were a combination of stress and boredom. It's an intense, visceral thing to feel protective of your baby, I adored her instantly - it's nothing like other, random babies.
It is gross though - leaking boobs, nappy explosions etc. I felt like I spent the first come of years wiping things - arse, food covered hands/face/surfaces....
The good news is if you're not really a baby type person they get SO much more fun as they get older.

I think you need to consider your options a little more carefully. A baby is for life (literally) not just for christmas and you can't send them back.

You need to be one hundred per cent committed.

Many women choose not to have children and that is a perfectly good decision if it is right for you.

If I'm really honest, before I had kids, I thought people who didn't want to have kids were a bit weird and probably had some trauma in their background as surely it was an inevitable wish. Now that I have had kids (who I adore), I see deciding to remain childfree as a perfectly sensible life choice! Although I loved babies before I had one and the reality was so far from what I thought - I'm sure it would be the same for you in the reverse. Sometimes people who don't romanticise having babies cope better I think, less disappointment. But as others have said, you need to think carefully about your options - you don't have to just go for it unless there are good reasons to.

The gross stuff isn't that gross with your own baby. Even my extremely squeamish husband feels the same way and he once almost wretched cleaning up a hairball from a cat. He's also extremely squeamish with blood but had no issues when I was giving birth.

I also never felt any tugging at my heart holding other people's babies.

The one thing people say about having babies that's not a lie, is that it's different with your own children.

I think you need to consider your options a little more carefully. A baby is for life (literally) not just for christmas and you can't send them back.

Surely the point pp are making is that they’re not for life? They grow up and become little people.

It’s whether the lack of baby butterflies would impact on being a good mum / on the overall decision but it sounds like a lot of mums actually felt the same as me.

At 38 will need to decide.

Also re childbirth thanks for suggestions. Will look into hypno. Have thought about and researched planned c-section before. I know it’s an extreme option, massive op and will mean I’d be in recovery for weeks. On the other hand the potential of having slightly more control over proceedings could alleviate some of the fear and anxiety. Stigma aside.

I never wanted to hold other people's babies. I found them a bit gross with their floppy heads and whatever else they may have (cradle cap, snotty noses etc). There were no exceptions to this. I just didn't see the appeal.

Now that I have a 7 month old ds, I would happily hold any baby and they make me melt inside a little bit (though ds is far far far cuter )

I'm hoping babies are like dogs- you can not like other people's, but like your own...

No one really knows how they - or their partner - will do at parenting. Being “100% committed” in theory beforehand, or even having everything money and relationship wise etc in place, doesn’t mean it’ll be OK.

Plenty of people who have qualms going in do just fine.

Fertility problems are no picnic either, so as you say if you decide to ttc it’d be best not to wait.

OP, just to add, although a section is major abdominal surgery, it may be less bad than you think. I had an EMCS which was pretty bad as they go (they had to get baby out rapidly), but after about 8 weeks I felt completely fine again, barring a little localised numbness. A planned C section would almost certainly be less impactful. And I'm not young- almost 35.

Difficult to get C section on NHS for psychological reasons, and private one would probably cost upwards of £12k.

I never liked babies, they just seemed dribbly and puky . I loved mine though, but had to grit my teeth to get through the baby bit. Just know that it is overwhelming and transient.
I think there is too much emphasis now on flourishing in every aspect and at every moment of our lives. Some things you have to get through. I was never going to thrive on the preschool bit, it felt really Neanderthal. Just food and pooing and dressing on a continual cycle, everyday reinventing the wheel. But I remained engaged and did my best.
They are bloody fabulous now though at 11 and 13, and have been for some years.

As awful as it sounds, I've never been bothered about other people's babies. Well I won't say not bothered, more like I don't make a fuss of them. But honestly now I have my own baby, it's totally different. You love your baby

I had an ELCS with dc2 due to complications with dc1. It was lovely, but you do not have “control”. The doctors do! I loved that, but some people hate it. Totally depends on the person. And I think you should be able to get it on the nhs, but you need to do your research.

My recovery was ok too fwiw. Only thing which I’ve found a problem is pain during sex. This has been worse than after my vb with dc1 where everything felt as normal pretty quickly afterwards. Nobody warned me I’d get it after a csection and I stupidly assumed that region would be totally fine as nothing had been pushed through it! It’s getting better, but has taken a good few months. I’d still take the csection I had though as it was safer for my dc (previous complications with dc1) and a lovely experience. I cried happy tears when he came out. Much nicer than being on morphene etc with dc1 and her coming out not breathing and very poorly.

There are horror stories for any kind of birth though. A friend’s spinal failed during a cs. She says she’d never have another cs. So, something you really need to look into. That’s why they like to know you’ve done your research before they give you one on nhs, as I think some people are a bit daft about it and think it’s easy peasy and risk free.

@Smellyjo I agree. It wasn't until I had DD that I realised I could have been equally as happy and fulfilled if I'd stayed childfree, just in a different way. Obviously I wouldn't change my DD for the world now and she brings me so much joy but the sacrifices are huge and you lose other sources of joy which are just as valid. Overall I'm glad I had her and I wouldn't be without her but I totally understand the perspective of anyone who doesn't want children.

I am truly ambivalent towards babies, even my own. If I could have children delivered aged one I’d have loads. I never had a baby to have a baby though, always to have a child. I went back to work after 4 months and was much happier for it. I know plenty of people who feel the same. Babies grow into children remarkably quickly so don’t be put off if you really want a child.

I'm the same. I adore my children but I really couldn't care less about other people's children. I would say I have even less interest in "cute babies" that don't belong to me now.
I found the newborn stage quite boring but when they start being little people they are quite amazing, but only to you. Or at least that's how I feel. I can't stand it when friends try and tell me how many words little Willy can say or how funny it was when they unwrapped all the xmas presents. Literally don't give a shit. My children are amazing (of course!) but I keep that to myself.

You aren't bothered by babies now because you have no biological reason to be. But as soon as you get pregnant and all those hormones start rewiring your brain, you will suddenly like babies. Well, your own baby anyway. I was a total baby hater but I quite like my own.

On another note I was terrified of pregnancy and birth. Loved every minute of being pregnant once I got past the first trimester nausea. Had an ELCS (due to the size of the baby) and despite it being pretty traumatic as C-Sections go (lost loads of blood, spinal started wearing off, DD was in distress, they had to use forceps, I was in and out of consciousness, needed extra emergency surgery etc) I found it a good experience overall and recovery was pretty easy.

I'm not too keen on babies either. They're alright, but it's my least favorite stage of having children. I was always just looking forward to the day when I can bring them bowling and watch Jurassic Park with them. But they're only babies for a short while so it's all good, plus they are lovely and cuddly.

I am not keen on babies either, and I ended up with 5 of the critters! I love toddlers and young children though.

I wasn't keen on babies- liked children from about age 3. Once I had my own though, I realised was bamboozled by hormones into believing just how wonderful they are!

Now I'm a sucker for a newborn, and find them all a bit tiresome when they start talking...