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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to talk online with a guy even though I am married?

32 replies

Honeybooboo123 · 11/06/2018 18:07

So, just look for opinions here. I have a hobby, and through social media I have met some other people who have the same interest. One approached me about a project I was working on, and we have chatted regularly since. I also talk to a woman as well quite often. The three of us have worked on something that is creative and has had a sexual element... but not related to us personally. if that makes sense.

Anyway, we get on and chat most days. He's a lot younger, not in this country and there is zero chance of us ever meeting in real life. We have never engaged in any chat that has been anything more sexual than mild cheeky banter.

Would you worry if this was your DP doing this? My DH knows the full story but I just wondered?

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 11/06/2018 18:20

It would not worry me, but ask yourself if the conversation ever veers into something that you wouldn't want your DH to read. Then you know it's too close to the edge.

Oddcat · 11/06/2018 18:22

As long as you're open about it with your husband, I don't see it as a problem.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 11/06/2018 18:24

I’d agree with the “would I mind if my dh read this conversation?” acid test.

If the answer is always no and you’re being open with your dp, then I don’t think it’s a problem.

britnay · 11/06/2018 18:26

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

Sleepyandtired21 · 11/06/2018 18:28

I agree with above, would you let your husband read it? Would you let anyone read it? If yes you’re fine.

buttybuttybutthole · 11/06/2018 18:31

Have you told your husband ?

buttybuttybutthole · 11/06/2018 18:32

I don't really know.

Does everyone have secrets from their partners?

Is it work? Art? A hobby?

longlostpal · 11/06/2018 18:35

Creative with a sexual element??? Of course it’s fine to discuss hobbies or interests in a platonic way with people of the opposite sex when you’re in a relationship. I wouldn’t have ‘mild cheeky banter’ with someone that wasn’t my partner, but only you know if this is actually flirting. Hi

Storm4star · 11/06/2018 18:38

As others have said, the key is openness. However, to me there is also an element of time and closeness. If you find yourself looking forward to these chats a bit too much, or are spending less time with your partner and more time talking to this guy. Then yes, were it me in that situation I would see it as an issue. But if your DH knows about it and is fine with it, then no problem.

lostfrequencies · 11/06/2018 18:50

I want to know what the hobby is!

buttybuttybutthole · 11/06/2018 18:58

I reckon it's painting or writing. Or both

SuperSuperSuper · 11/06/2018 19:32

The Relate website explains what an emotional affair is (as opposed to a friendship). Secrecy is a big red flag, but you've told your husband so it seems ok.

You've posted here, so something must be causing you to fret, though.

Can you give some examples of the banter without "outing" yourself?

Original poster
Honeybooboo123 · 11/06/2018 21:16

Hi. Yeah it's writing. Banter is pretty light, not sexually focused...really. I did explain to DH about who I was talking too....on my phone a lot.

As for DH reading our chats .... hmmm it might be a bit weird.

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 11/06/2018 21:20

If you think him reading your chats would be a bit weird, then honestly yes i think you've crossed a line.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/06/2018 21:21

If you think him reading your chats would be a bit weird, then honestly yes i think you've crossed a line.

This.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 11/06/2018 21:26

Agree with the previous two posts.

I also wonder if you maybe know it’s crossed a line, which is why you’re posting on here?

Original poster
Honeybooboo123 · 11/06/2018 21:28

Trying to think of why weird. Perhaps because of the role playing element in some of the things we have done... although that was instigated by another member and neither of us are comfortable with that sort of level of detail.

Most of our chats are just the sort of crap you say to a friend. No emotional element

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeybooboo123 · 11/06/2018 21:31

Maybe I'm sensing I do look forward to talking to him.... and questioning that. But it's not a romantic sort of interaction. So where is the line?

OP posts:
Storm4star · 11/06/2018 22:47

Well, look at it this way, a woman posts here, saying her DH is having “cheeky banter” with a much younger woman and probably she would get loads of responses sympathising and saying how out of order he is.

It sounds to me like you yourself are not entirely comfortable with the situation. If that is the case then you know what you need to do.

Leoparda · 11/06/2018 22:55

Wouldn't bother me, but then I've been a writer for years.. there's a difference between an emotional relationship and writing collaborative fiction.

Tistheseason17 · 11/06/2018 23:10

If you have to ask then you probably know the answer ...

TheMonkeyMummy · 11/06/2018 23:11

Imagine if it was your DH chatting to someone else. How would you feel?
How do you think he would feel reading your messages?

It's so easy a line to cross. I am currently trying phasing out contact with someone from my past (very similar to yours, not local,
both married and not much chance of meeting in RL) as I realized that I was wanting to chat with him more and more. The chats could contain lots of 'banter', which could be argued were innocent, but when I was honest with myself, I knew they weren't and I would be gutted if DH was talking like that with someone else. Therefore line crossed and I had to stop.

But it does require you to be completely honest with yourself, and that can be hard if you are getting a little buzz from something that technically isn't 100% Black and white against the rules.

Mitel · 12/06/2018 22:08

Hmmm.....you are chatting to a younger man about things with a sexual element. It sounds like this is an escapism for you. I think you know that you are emotionally cheating but it is good that you have caught yourself before it goes too far.
I think you need to spend a bit less time on your sex hobby and focus on your loving husband.
When did you last run him a bath, thank him for providing so that you can do your sex hobby, make him feel appreicated?
Do your marriage a favour, get to the shops, cook him his favourite meal and pretend it didn't happen. Good luck and if you win his trust back, maybe try and play it safe next time. (Am assuming you don't have kids and this doesn't interfere with family time). You'll do better, don't worry! Flowers

Original poster
Honeybooboo123 · 17/06/2018 10:48

Um. I wouldn't call it a sex hobby ;)

The sexual implied element of the hobby has been eliminated actually as it was making us all feel a little uncomfortable, except for the one who started it.

Someone asked for a example of banter.
An example yesterday might help. He was talking about being told he was addicted to his phone. I said never been called addictive before. And he replied I was. Joking about doing a 12 step programme to get over me and he replied it was too late.

Is that flirty?

He talks to other people, women, on line I know, so it could just be the way he is.

OP posts:
Brandnewshit · 17/06/2018 10:51

Erm yes that is flirty