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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hate my partners family

53 replies

Cheeselover23 · 11/06/2018 16:08

There is a long back story to those so apologies. I'll start with the sister but his mums an issue too.
I've never had a good relationship with his sister, and have known her for four years. She stole around £20 from me in one go and then a couple weeks later used a tablet a friend had lent me and spent around £6 on it on apps. Her mum paid me back the £20 but I never saw the app money. Not as big a deal but she also steals my food and alcohol that I have there (usually order a pizza and then leave some for the next day but she'll take sone either without asking or takin more than she asked for). She'll then lie about whatever she's taken.
She then tries to make me feel awful by saying she preferred my partners exes or saying he was a lot happier with them.
On Saturday I broke down going to their house and had to walk back as my phone died. I bumped into her as I went through the village and she called her mum saying I'd broken down and karmas a bitch all whilst laughing.
My nan died recently and I mentioned how one of my family members would soon be celebrating their first birthday without her there to which she replied "oh no one less present"
So many other things have happened with her but these are the ones that really stand out.
I used to have a good relationship with my partners mum but recently I fell pregnant. I then started to realise that actually the people who had been trying to warn me of how awful she is were right. She said she'd give the child food to make her the preferred grandmother, told me I would use a dummy even though I told her I didn't want to, tried to change my mind when I said I wanted to breastfeed. She also offered to convert one of the bedrooms into a room for me, partner and the baby which obviously sounds lovely but I now realise was an attempt to keep her son close and to be over involved with the baby.
I actually lost the baby towards the end of April and she's been very insensitive despite having had two miscarriages herself - one of which is so painful for her she won't even talk about it. She's now tagging me in Father's Day things which I actually would have bought had I still been expecting but now are just so hurtful to see. I haven't outright said it's painful to see these things but when she was talking about it even a blind person could have seen I was uncomfortable and didn't want to carry on the conversation - I'd have walked away had we not been in a car.
And when my nan died I was at their house when I was told. We'd planned a bbq the next day already, and she said "it can be our celebration of your nanny's life". Which again sounds lovely but she never knew my nan, she's only ever spoken to my mum and that's been maybe three times so how could that family possibly celebrate her life.
I'm totally prepared to hear I'm being unreasonable about this or why I'm feeling so angry at some of these things but am I unreasonable to hate these people, and to want to leave my boyfriend because of them?

OP posts:
FASH84 · 11/06/2018 16:31

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage OP, have you had any support around that, can you talk to your partner about it easily? How old are you, your bf and the sister? I think some of the mum stuff is probably well meant, eg the BBQ, offering for you to stay there (stuff you see on Mumsnet is not reflective of all MIL behaviour with new grandchildren). Is she sending the father's Day links for you to help DP get his dad's gift (I know it's his job but I've had to explain to my MIL that a vagina does not make me responsible for all gift buying, especially father's Day/mother's Day). Where do you all live at the moment? The sister sounds like a bitchy teen, which is why I asked about ages.

DeadGood · 11/06/2018 16:39

The barbecue thing is neither here nor there.

I second the “how old is the sister” because she sounds teenaged.

As for the “karma’s a bitch” conversation, were you standing right there while she said it?

Cheeselover23 · 11/06/2018 16:39

I'm 18, partner 19 and sister 13/14 so young I know.
She's definitely a difficult teen but even when other teenagers I know turned to drugs and were using them regularly they never stole or lied about big things.
I just feel at breaking point with them because of how long it has been going on. Not trying to drip feed but just realised I never put that the sister told people I raped her brother regularly for two years, no one believed her because they knew our relationship and knew it just wasn't likely.
I'm receiving help for the miscarriage now and definitely feel in a place where it isn't affecting me day to day but for things like these presents, which are definitely meant as something to buy for my boyfriend rather than for his dad as they're in regards to a certain song that his dad has never even heard of, I get a bit down for a little while

OP posts:
Cheeselover23 · 11/06/2018 16:40

I wasn't there when the phone call was made, I heard about what had been said later on when his mum was talking to a neighbour about it and I overheard

OP posts:
SEsofty · 11/06/2018 16:42

Gosh you are so so young. I honestly think that the best thing you can do is step away from all of them for a bit and just allow yourself some space

heateallthebuns · 11/06/2018 16:44

This all sounds like teenage drama to me. I would take a step back and not take things so personally.

Cantspell2 · 11/06/2018 16:45

He is your boyfriend not partner and by the sound of it still living under his parents roof.
It all sounds like typical teen drama to me and the only advice I would give is don’t get pregnant again as it doesn’t sound like either of you are in a good place to either emotionally or financially start a family.

Cheeselover23 · 11/06/2018 16:45

I had to take a break for a few months a year ago and when I went back all was fine then suddenly got a lot worse. Maybe I genuinely do just need to take them all out of my life.
Unfortunately my heart really doesn't want me to leave him, and I know that if we had a place of our own things would be better, because they were when I was renting a room. Unfortunately the person I rented it from moved and I couldn't afford to rent any other places around where I live so now live with a family member.

OP posts:
heateallthebuns · 11/06/2018 16:45

Sorry that might have sounded unsympathetic to your miscarriage, I meant the way the sister is acting!

Cheeselover23 · 11/06/2018 16:48

Can'tspell I know but I've seen people get flamed for calling their boyfriends a boyfriend before on here. Seems you can't win though... 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows · 11/06/2018 16:49

This does all sound very upsetting, his family sound very nasty. I don't see how any of this has been misconstrued, it just spunds like they are being cruel to u! Do u have any idea why they would behave like this towards u? Have u fell out with them at any point? So sorry your going thru this op 💐

SEsofty · 11/06/2018 16:50

I know that you are completely emotionally wrapped up in this at the moment but I really would take a step back and focus on work/study.

Long term it would be so much better to get established in a career and then think about families etc

Trinity66 · 11/06/2018 16:53

Oh you're only 18? I would move on tbh, life should be easier than that at 18. Sorry about your miscarriage :(

Battleax · 11/06/2018 16:53

A 13 year old child being childish is predictable enough. Just ignore.

Nevermind all the silliness, what are you doing to avoid another pregnancy?

LifeBeginsAtGin · 11/06/2018 16:55

You all sound very young and still have some growing up and maturing to do.

Step away from your DBoyfriends family and get some good contraception sorted out.

Are you working or at school still?

Ghanagirl · 11/06/2018 16:57

Hi OP,
Do you have any support from parents or a older family member, you are still very young to be going through all this alone.

Cheeselover23 · 11/06/2018 17:00

Thank you pink. I have no idea why they're like it. I've spoken to some people about it all and some think his sister is just jealous because her brother doesn't spend as much time with her when he's with me, until it's mentioned she actually hates him more than me! (She's admitted that so not an exaggeration). And they also think his mum could be trying to keep her son at home to help her because of how useless her other two are, and he's not the type of guy that would really leave home if there wasn't a big reason to.
They treat him awfully as well to be honest - in January he was told he had to sleep in the living room on a mattress (for over a year before then he'd been sleeping on a mattress in the room he shared with his brother). That wouldn't have mattered much to us, had it not been for the fact that there were five animal cages on the floor around him and no matter where he moved them to sleep it's still really unhygienic. He then kicked up a fuss (for the first time in his life) and now slowly they're giving him a room of his own, yet still making sure everyone else's bedrooms are properly sorted before his.
We've agreed to save up all our money to try and buy a house soon (thankfully I'm on a good wage and considering I just pay motorbike insurance and petrol every month I definitely have a huge disposable income) but in the meantime there are threats to damage my property, things being stolen, every bad thing about me being shouted out about in the village, including to his ex who lives bloody next door.
I guess I just needed a moan and to see if I was dramatising everything and to see if actually I was the bitch 😬

OP posts:
Cheesenacho123 · 11/06/2018 17:02

Get yourself whilst you can! From one cheese’s in law horrible family to another! I’m a bit older you though, I have a child and know what the other side looks like. I love my boyfriend who I also call my partner because he’s also the father to my child and we are coming up on ten years together. I love him a lot but his family are horrible, his mum was a completely bitch when we moved into our first rented house as a family of three because she wanted her son to stay at hers, so much so she booted all of our stuff and every last thing of her sons out of the house, it’s like her son was never there. His brother is a completely dick who acts very immaturely and doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself and there grandparents on there mothers side of the family are just as nasty. Basically saying we brought shame on family and damaged there reputation within the community because there grandson had got someone they didn’t know pregnant. I hate the lot of them, I have to act civil around them for the sake of my boyfriend/partner and our child. I have to remind myself when I hear them make hurtful comments or do hurtful things to remember that I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend and not them.

Cheeselover23 · 11/06/2018 17:02

I'm in full time work. No one in my family is very supportive - I went through something horrific during the break from my boyfriend last year and I was actually made to feel as if I was the one in the wrong and that it was all my fault by my family. Even the family member I live with isn't very supportive, but is obviously lovely enough to let me live with them so I dont want to badmouth them

OP posts:
Cheesenacho123 · 11/06/2018 17:03

Get yourself out*

Trinity66 · 11/06/2018 17:03

Do you live with him OP?

Trinity66 · 11/06/2018 17:04

Nevermind just read your post

Cheeselover23 · 11/06/2018 17:04

You have just perfectly described his family cheese! I'm definitely going to discuss everything with him (again) and make it very clear I need out if he doesn't sort his family out. Thank you all for your comments

OP posts:
ciderhouserules · 11/06/2018 17:07

Op - you are so young, both you and your DP.

You won't like me saying it, but really really think about whether a house, and mortgage, and kids, and marriage is something you want. And will still want, in 5/10/20 years. Especially to this partner, who will come with all the baggage of his mother and sister, for ever.

You really should be out partying, getting a further education, working for yourself (not a mortgage) at this age. You will never get the chance again!

Live a little first - you are still a very young person. You haven't been out of your own 'childhood' for long. Enjoy it. Be old, and older, later.

ShinyShooney · 11/06/2018 17:09

This is way to much drama for you at only 18. You should be having fun and this doesn't sound like it is.

Sister is still a child, eating leftover pizza out of the family fridge isn't a huge crime tbh!

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