To ask how you became a "strong" woman?

[LiteraryDevil1]

I've been musing for a while now as I read thread after thread from women who are enabling their husband/partner/boyfriend to be a selfish, thoughtless, disorganised, pathetic manchild. There are so many women on here who know their own worth, have great self respect, great dignity, independence, confidence etc and have no trouble in maintaining firm boundaries with other people. I see so many women helping others to get rid of partners that are no good for them and I think it's amazing how they come across. How did you get to be that strong, independent woman who's not afraid to stand up for herself?

Don't get into a position where you depend on someone else financially. You'll put up with increasingly shit behaviour.

I think it took me ten years. From leaving my x to getting to the point where I don't even care if other people take a dislike to me, although, ironically, they're probably less likely to now.

I wasn't strong when I left my x. There was no point sticking around to stand up for myself. I had one life so I didn't want to waste it standing up for myself. I left him for freedom and I became strong afterwards. It was a gradual process. I had psychotherapy, I read books. It's less about verbally standing up for yourself and more about internally knowing 'nope that is not for me'. Walking away from friendships and situations and arrangements that don't work for you. Getting turned off by takers. Not needing to people please.

I think the things that come with being single really help make you strong. Being financially independent, close connections with friends, enjoying your own company, knowing what you like to do, knowing what you're good at, focusing on your strong points rather than obsessing about where you come up short! All much easier said than done.

Personally, knowing I am financially independent is the biggest factor.

I think my grandmother gets a lot of the credit. She was widowed at 40 and built a high-flying career for herself at a time when not so many women did that. She passed that onto my mum who looks like a dainty flower but is as tough as old boots.

I think my dad should get some credit too. The father/daughter relationship is so important. Dad taught me that real men respect a woman who is smart and tough and that I should never accept anything less than an equal partner in life.

I was left by an arsehole who abandoned his responsibilities to me and his children - both financially and emotionally.

You have to develop the strength to just get on with it for the sake of your children. I am glad for it now.

Chronic diseases toughened me right up

Olwen and Caroline thats how I think too.

I think because even amongst the older generations in my family (those that are now in their 80's and 90's) no one really ever went in for the traditional gender roles and if a woman felt she was being treated badly she didn't stand for it or put up with it. All the women worked outside the home my Grandma who is in her 90's was a journalist when women weren't journalists and my Great Aunt travelled the world as a lone single female when most people didn't leave the country at all. She went all over Asia and the Middle East, stowing away on ships and generally being a little tearaway.

I dealt with the fact that my father is a dick and didn't deserve my love. It first made me vulnerable but then hardened me. I'm softer now than I was but I reckon dealing with the fact that one of the people who brought me into this world didn't want anything to do with me helped me develop a self-worth that was based on myself rather than other people.

I also learned a lot off strong women like my Mum and my Grandma who each went through their own hardships but carried on regardless, were there for their families, and ultimately stood up for themselves even when it was difficult.

I think it's different for each of us. I am 100% financially dependant on my dh.
I am also firm as fuck with my boundaries, I don't accept being badly treated by anyone (man or woman) and I am confident in my self .
I have been through a lot of crazy shit, I've seen a lot of crazy shit, and I've seen what happens to people who don't establish firm boundaries (mental , emotional) .

Be alone and be ok with it.

I got with my ex husband at 17 and never had any experience of being alone. Moved straight out of my Mums and bought our first house together and Without realising it I depended on him to "look after me"

As the years went by I gradually felt myself wanting to break away from it and 3 years ago I called time on our marriage.

Panic at being alone set in and I went straight into another relationship but looking back that wasn't ever going to be right. I suppose it was my stepping stone to freedom

I'm on my own now and happy that way. I feel at peace with myself and like I can pretty much handle anything that gets thrown at me. Yes we still all need support from time to time but nothing is capable of breaking me. IF I ever do get with anyone else I'll never ever put myself in a position where I rely on him for anything.

Never, ever put yourself in a position in which you depend financially on someone else.

You have to be able to get up and walk away if you need to, and only financial independence can enable this.

Nothing is worth giving up your financial independence for.

I think its about knowing how to be happy and content on your own and taking pride in teaching yourself new things and being proud of your achievements. If you're not dependent on someone else to help you identify what makes you happy then it's easier to identify when you are unhappy and to have the confidence change things or to leave. I think a lot of people stay in rubbish relationships because they are scared that it's better than nothing.

I have always been quite feisty and strong-willed, but I think I became even more so when I had a daughter. I wanted to be a really strong role model to her as I don’t want her to put up with the kinds of shit you see on here. I was always taught to be very independent and am doing the same to her. She is fierce and fearless, I am so proud.

How did you get to be that strong, independent woman who's not afraid to stand up for herself?

Because I have been broken by other people again and again, including my ex. I didn't like what they did to me and eventually I decided that was enough. I began to recognise abusive and/or toxic behaviour at 50 paces and now I head it off at the pass which sometimes gets me the reputation of someone who is 'strident' or 'outspoken' (i.e. a woman who won't take any crap because you can bet your bottom dollar a man wouldn't get those labels) and you know what? I am proud to be that sort of woman because it was a long and painful ol' journey to get here.

I'm strong because I'm angry. Also I'm not scared of being on my own.

olwin speaks an awful lot of sense. That’s so so well put and chimes with me a lot.

It’s deceptively simple but so hard to do to put yourself at the centre of your life. Not to be selfish or mean but to draw a line between what adds to your life and what detracts from it. Whether that’s in your relationship if you have one, in your home, with your friends, at work. Doesn’t always come easy even once you’ve started but by god it feels good. And your sense of strength and wellbeing increases every time you do it because life continues to get better and you get stronger. I’m a much nicer person to be around when I have boundaries, cut out the negative where possible and embrace the things that make you happy and feel good.

0lwen it took me about 10 years too. My ex was horribly abusive and I was a mess for ages.

Age has helped , I actually say to myself (in my head) 'I'm 54 bloody years old, I refuse to take any crap'.

Interesting hearing about other people’s strong role models. I adore and respect my mum but I’ve watched her struggle with boundaries and looking after herself first and it’s made me commit to doing better at both myself.

Abusive parents, followed by an abusive husband, followed by being a lone patent to disabled children. No choice but to keep going. I still have a cry every now and then. Just found out an old friend died six weeks ago. We always had our ups and downs but it was always ok as soon as we got together, that's made me cry tonight as it was a shock and it's made me look at my own personal relationships and where they're lacking. When you just have to get on with it and there's no one else you'd be surprised what you can do.

Also agree with PP that not being scared to be alone gives huge strength.

Oh it's so good to read these replies! Thank you!
For me something changed when I was 37, single, and pregnant with my third child. My family were the first ones who experienced the new takes-no-shit-Literary. They didn't like it at all, and now 4 and a half years later I'm still nc with a lot of my family because I finally realised how toxic they were and had been all my adult life, and finally had the guts to stand up to them and tell them I wasn't going to allow them to treat me that way anymore. It feels great not to have that toxicity in my life.

I'm not sure it's about financial independence tbh. At least not for everyone - there are plenty of working women in relationships with men who they should really leave, but don't.
I think it is about pride and having a strong sense of self. It's being raised to know that you are important and that your ambitions and desires are not less than anyone else's. I love my husband, but I know that if I had to leave him, I wouldn't die!

Leaving my alcoholic ex, raising my children alone for 5 years whilst holding down a job despite also having two chronic illnesses and no family support.
Spent that 5 years making sure my kids were doing ok. I was fine with my own company. Met a lovely man since because I wanted to. Not because I needed to. And if things were to go tits up with him I know me and my kids would be fine again.

That's good to read OP. The trouble is once you stand up and start taking no shit it feels like you're falling out with everyone. I stood up to and fell out with everyone and am now very isolated, which does make me question if it's me? Common denominator and all that.