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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or is this disrespectful

85 replies

Alwaysadramaaa · 10/06/2018 20:13

Long time lurker here...first time poster. Scrolling through my Facebook feed earlier to see a selfie posted by a family at a grave side of a grandparent, headstone in the background. Aibu to think some things should be private, grief bring one of them & this is just attention seeking or is this a nice way to remember a loved one?

OP posts:

sockunicorn · 10/06/2018 20:48

Ive got an old work friend on facebook whose mum died a few years ago. Every birthday and christmas her and her brother take deck chairs up to the churchyard and take selfies of one another, grinning away, champagne glass in hand, with their mum. They then open gifts from her (that they buy each other and put her name on) and write "my mums the best, she got me XXX". They then pose for "grieving" shots from behind and ones looking up to the sky etc.

They also have parties for her every birthday and christmas and go on nights out "in her name" with groups of 20+ friends.

Its most peculiar but fascinating.

SerenDippitty · 10/06/2018 20:51

Too much.
Is it a recent death?

If there is a headstone it won’t be a recent death. Takes a while for the ground to settle after a burial

It doesn’t seem disrespectful to me.

MarthaArthur · 10/06/2018 20:54

sockunicorn thats barmy but i love it!

nellieellie · 10/06/2018 20:55

I think it depends who sees it. If it’s a load of facebook “friends” who hardly know you, it’s the sort of thing I find very off putting. If you are at a grave of someone you love, I cant think how you’d think that taking a photo and putting it on display for a load of people is the thing to do. What are you thinking? “ I want to show a load of people that I am sad so they can think “oh, how sad,” and put a miserable face emoji on?” Some things should be private. I would feel that it was disrespectful to treat the image of the grave of someone you loved in the same way that people treat a plate of beef Wellington of a ice cream sundae.....

Armchairanarchist · 10/06/2018 20:58

My brother died aged 19. I see photos of his grave several times a year on FB posted by his friends. I love seeing that they visit and haven't forgotten him.

Original poster

Alwaysadramaaa · 10/06/2018 20:59

You have worded it far better that me nellie that’s exactly what I think. I think some things should be private but nowadays nothing seems to be

OP posts:

Havabiscuit · 10/06/2018 20:59

Some people seem to post every time they nip out for a coffee. Personally I do think it’s a bit weird but maybe it’s me?

MarthaArthur · 10/06/2018 21:01

The person is dead. People on mumsnet think even mentioning a dead relative online is attention seeking and disrespectful. So on mumsnet so many posters think death should be secret. Not private because privacy falls on a persons own perspective of what privacy means. A headstone merely marks where a person is buried but its asigned a lot of emotion and people have the right to treat their relatives graves as if visiting a living relative in their home. There is nothing disrespectful in it in the slightest.

MarthaArthur · 10/06/2018 21:02

But can you explain why you feel it should be private?

Whatzat298 · 10/06/2018 21:05

I think that the taboo around death in our society is probably more damaging than the odd selfie. I sort of wish we were a bit more like the Victorians - they had a lot of big rituals about death, but they knew how to talk about it, how life and death need to co-exist. Then somewhere along the line everyone got really scared and stopped wanting to talk about it at all.

SussexMedley · 10/06/2018 21:05

Aibu to think some things should be private, grief bring one of them & this is just attention seeking

You don't get to dictate how people grieve. Some people don't like to say a word about it, some people can't bear to hold it all in. The Mumsnet obsession with 'attention seeking' (God forbid women don't accept being ignored all the time) doesn't cut it here.

You grieve your dead loved ones your way and let others do the same.

Branleuse · 10/06/2018 21:06

YABU, I dont think you get to dictate how others grieve

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 10/06/2018 21:06

Not disrespectful at all after my nan died we made a video releasing a balloon for her 90th birthday you couldn’t see the grace just the church there was nothing disrespectful about it just a celebration for her.

e1y1 · 10/06/2018 21:07

Yes it is, the one thing you don’t do at a funeral is take photos, at all never mind a selfie.

I can honestly say that every single funeral I have ever been too has never as much had ONE photo taken. Ever.

But as mentioned above, each to their own.

RabbitsAreTasty · 10/06/2018 21:07

Maybe they want other people to remember the relative and to recognise that they miss the relative enough to visit the grave together. Maybe they feel comforted by all the sad faces and love emoji "attention" they get. People can genuinely feel comforted by FB friends' reactions you know.

MarthaArthur · 10/06/2018 21:08

e1y1 what funeral? No one mentioned photos at a funeral they said someones grave. Meaning the persons been dead a while.

Loonoon · 10/06/2018 21:08

I think it's nice. My Dad was vehemently against having any sort of gravestone or memorial that we would have to visit and maintain but if he had one I might do this just to show that even though he is gone he is still a much loved part of our lives.

Sayhellotothesun · 10/06/2018 21:09

Very bad taste, and weird.

greenlanes · 10/06/2018 21:10

Arm a local person to me very sadly lost her son in tragic, but public, circumstances. There is a memorial facebook page and even now many years later his friends post, as does she. I really hope that the contact helps them all. I cant even begin to imagine.

Catservant · 10/06/2018 21:10

I agree OP. Utterly disrespectful and attention seeking to get likes on Facebook.

Loonoon · 10/06/2018 21:10

And to the person saying you don't take photos at funerals - an elderly relation of my DHs took dozens of photos at his wife's funeral and shows them around all the time. It's unconventional but if it helps him cope and grieve I'm all for it.

Havabiscuit · 10/06/2018 21:11

I’ve just commented today on a post from a friend who’s Mum died.
I also sent private message. I don’t think death is that private on social media but not every one at a funeral wants their tears on fb.
I suppose if everyone in the picture was happy to do it then fair enough but I do think it’s a bit disrespectful. Would you post your birth pictures? It’s one of our life passages and not for displaying everywhere.

lifeinthelastlane · 10/06/2018 21:11

This wasn’t at a funeral, e1

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 10/06/2018 21:11

I honestly can’t imagine how this would be disrespectful. It’s just a grave. Their relatives grave. How can it be disrespectful to have it in a picture?

e1y1 · 10/06/2018 21:12

Never mind me @MarthaArthur, I’m just making up a whole story along side OPs

So ok, no I still think it’s a bit weird to take a photo.

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