Sister upset about shower at friends house

[annebolinski]

I'm not sure what to make of this or what to say to her but my sister is upset.

Last night she stayed at at a friends house. Sister is 10 friend is 11. In the morning the friend went in the shower and then said dsis could go in. When dsis got into the shower (obviously naked) the friend and her mum came into the bathroom. She said the mum was telling her to turn the taps round or something but both of them were looking at her. I asked her about locking the door and she said there wasn't a lock.
She said she was trying to hide and was really embarrassed that they both were looking at her naked. She's been a bit upset since she came home. I think they were in the bathroom about a minute from what's been said.

Do you think it's weird that they both went in? I don't know wether something should be said to the mother about it.

I think that sounds a really weird thing for them to do. Do you have responsibility for your sister or do your parents also know about this?

Sorry I should of said, our mother is very ill at the moment so I am looking after sister for now. DM is not in a fit state to deal with things like this right now.

Yes, it's really bizarre that they felt they could intrude like that. Honestly though, I'm not sure what can be done now so hopefully someone else will come along with some good advice.

Was they helping her work the shower as you say they was talking about the taps?

Although either way it still wouldn't have taken them both being in the room, could have just opened the door a crack to talk her through it if she needed help, then she could still maintain her privacy

It was probably innocent all the same not acceptable and I wouldn't let her stay there again

Why the namechange OP?

My first thoughts were...

1. Maybe they have a very casual view on nudity in their household and didn't necessarily think about the embarrassment they are causing your sister
2. It is a bit weird but I don't think any harm was meant by it

I'd explain to your sister that it wasn't done intentionally and that she shouldn't feel embarrassed. Maybe just a quick polite mention to the friends mum just to inform her of how your sister is feeling about the situation. She may be oblivious.

The friend ought to have shown her how to work it then left her to get on. Very bizarre.

This happened to me as a child but I was about 13. It was innocent enough, it's how their family worked and they genuinely thought it was completely normal. They couldn't care less about my body. Maybe just tell your sister that and that she has nothing to be embarrassed about and then don't let her stay there again or at least tell the Mum she was privacy in the bathroom

@Bambamber I thought that, she said the shower was already running when they came in though.

@Anon12345ABC I name change after every couple of posts but have been a member for a long time.

They are probably very cool with being naked.

I was friends with a live in nanny who was horrified that her (French) family would wander downstairs starkers when she was cooking the breakfast and have normal conversations with her (probably 'pick up my laundry).

its not ok. Boundaries. Respect.

From the mum's perspective I can see why her daughter was on there too in case she was accused of any funny business. It could be that the taps affect other water flow in the house if not used a certain way depending on their plumbing and in my house using the shower turned a certain way use to cause a leak through the fall and ceiling below. I understand why your sister was unhappy as girls become self concious at that age.

I don't think you can say anything - some families are just very casual about nudity and others far more conscious of privacy etc. That said, the mother shouldn't have assumed that because her DD is clearly fine with it, your sister would be as well - especially at that pubescent/body-shyness sort of age.

@ArnoldBee I never thought of it in that way - bringing the daughter incase of any accusations. That's a good point.

I will talk to dsis, she is very self conscious since starting puberty as expected. I think she is scared the girl makes fun of her or tells other people about it at school.

Totally normal in our house when growing up to walk into the bathroom when people are in the shower! Especially when that age - in fact I think we all used to get in the bath together at that age. It is probably just normal in their household, and they might not have thought that it was an issue for a 10 year old?

Speak to her mum that sounds really stange and horrible for your dsis. Its not weird in itself as thats how a lot of familys work my dd2 is 11 we will all walk in on each in the shower, dd2 and her best friend came in and sat and spoke to me while I was in the bath about half an hour ago. But it is weird that they decided she could just come in while someone elses child was in the shower without asking, really weird.

Are they british? Some cultures are a lot less uptight about nudity

Is your dsis sure they were looking at her? If she turned around and faced the wall when they came in to cover herself then she might have felt they were looking at her but they could have been facing away from her?
You can definately talk to the mum about it even just to make sure they know that your dsis is uncomfortable with it so they dont do it again. Or can she not talk to her friend?

In friend's family that is probably normal.

HOWEVER, this would be a good chance to have a chat with your sister about setting boundaries with people. It was not o.k. for them to walk in on her without asking. It would have been o.k. for her to ask them to leave until she was out of the shower and dressed. She has a right to set her own boundaries about her own body and privacy.

Also worth remembering that in some families, it is totally normal to see each other naked.
What your sister thought was ‘looking at her’ as in purposely looking at her because she was naked might well have been a simple looking in direction and not taking any notice because it’s so normal.

I suspect that ther was a very good reason for the mum and friend to go in (the issue with the taps is a good reason). It would have been nice to explain it to your sister(the mum might well have thought that her own dd had aleardy explained she was going to find some help for xxx)

I think you're being a little OTT personally.
I can understand your sister being self conscious and embarassed but I am sure it was innocent.
My friend walks round naked in her own home all the time in front of her family (I don't - but then it's only a body surely?)
I think the world has gone a bit crazy/paranoid sometimes....

Was there not a shower curtain though?

Agree that your sister needs to learn to tell her boundaries loud and clear. It would have been very ok for her to say she wanted to be alone whilst having a shower for example.

(The lack of lock makes me think that no one in that family thinks going in whilst someone is having a shower is an issue btw.)

I'm being OTT for being concerned about my 10 year old sister being uncomfortable with 2 people seeing her naked?

I understand that some families aren't bothered about nakedness but this was not family. Even if it was family, if she's uncomfortable should she put up with it just because some people think it's normal?

Are you sure it wasnt a concern about her getting scalded or something like that. Some showers can be very dicey and I wouldnt want the risk of a child getting burned etc.