To think I’d forever be competing with her memory.

[Overbeforeitbegan]

I’m in the early stages of a relationship with a wonderful man. We discovered that we had fallen in love in a very romantic way and he says lovely things to me.

But he and his ex-partner we very in love, they’d been together for about 8 months, never lived together and she took her own life for which he has guilt. He has grieved for her for years, she is understandably on a pedestal in his heart. Their love is an unfulfilled romance. They never argued.

AIBU to think that a real relationship with me, ups and downs, inevitable arguments will never compare to what he had with her. In his mind, she’ll always be the one and will I always be a close 2nd.

Could you live like that?

They were together for only a short time. Has he had any counseling?

He was with her 8 months, course they never had an argument ffs. I probably couldn't just because he doesn't sound like my type of person, it's sad, but years later? I really thought you were going to say life of many years not 8 months.

How long are you together?

He has had counselling, lots of it but to him, there is no doubt that she was his perfect partner - and perhaps she was.

You may be projecting your own thoughts onto him. Do you actually know you are being compared?

Obviously something was deeply wrong in the previous relationship and the poor woman felt she couldn't confide her misery in her partner. The consequence could be a partner who puts extra effort into supporting and communicating with you.

You are right that being constantly compared unfavourably with a dead woman would kill any relationship - but don't just assume that this will definitely happen, or that if it happens it can't be fixed with talking.

We’ve known each other for 2 years as friends, together 3 months.

He’ll always compare me to her, which seems exhausting in the long term.

If you doubt that it will work because of your perception of his feelings for her then maybe it's best to walk away now.

He may or may not change over the years. We never know what we're getting ourselves into. If you love him and he's worth it, there's no reason not to stay with him, we all come with baggage as we grow older. You could see how it goes. Keep finances separate, but I'd advise this to anyone.

He does compare me to her now, favourably as in; ‘you make me feel like this, as did X’ but at some point, our real relationship will struggle to compete with what they had, I fear.

Sounds like he's romantising this relationship. In his head he's made it perfect and deleted out the imperfections (it's become something it never was in reality). Totally understandable but you are going to struggle to match this vision.
Is he waxing lyrical about her alot?
How does he react if you have a disagreement?

How long ago was it she died?

Return - years - almost 5. No relationships in between.

Pancakeflipper - everything you’ve written is exactly what I’ve been thinking! This is my concern.

I suppose you could try an ultimatum 'yes, she sounds lovely but I don't want you to keep talking about her any more' and see how he reacts. Maybe then that might give you an idea of how entrenched his thinking is. And yes, it's all crap, completely exhausting and he needs a wake up call.

He talks about her a lot and we’ve never disagreed, so far.

Indeed it sounds like she’s still on his mind a lot. I think you just need to decide what you are okay with... can you be with someone who lives with the memory of a loved one lost? It’s one thing if he mentions her in moments when she’s on his mind...but I think another if it’s to compare her with you.

I think I would be blunt and tell him you don't like the comparisons, even if he imagines they are compliments. Tell him you are your own person and you need to be seen as such for the relationship to work.

I wonder if you bear a resemblance to her?

You can' t live a life where the best you can hope for is to be 'as good as x'.

Talking about her is fine, comparing you to her is not. Tell him that.

I have never seen a picture of her actually so I don’t know what she looked like. Perhaps I should ask.

I would ask to see a picture.

whiteonred - that’s my concern sadly.

I think you're right - you'd be forever competing with her memory. His guilt at her suicide means he's turned her into this paragon of virtue and perfection. It must be bloody hard for you - not sure that I could cope with it.

I couldn't live like that. The odd mention of her would be fine. Comparing and constantly talking about her would not be. You need to have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. Be prepared for his reaction to not be good and as a result your relationship might come to an end but it's much better to find out now.

When I was twenty the man I was with was killed in a car crash. It was horrendous and I thought I'd never love anyone else. Firstly because I only remembered the good things as (and made them more than they were) but also through guilt like I was betraying him if I looked any anyone else but It takes another love to get over that. I think your DP is probably still going through that process. It is grieving. If you love him, don't push him but you can show him that he can heal and move on.

He's massively over-romanticising the past. They had a brief relationship, a significant part of which she spent intensely unhappy (or mentally unwell, depending on her individual challenges). He has created a perfect woman in his mind, and to me given her mental turmoil at the time it's odd and a bit creepy. Maybe he feels guilty?

I'd run, partly because you'll never win and partly because he doesn't sound like someone who wants the drama more than the true daily up and down of a real relationship.