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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money, boyfriend , need advice.

33 replies

Cheerymom · 10/06/2018 03:08

I have been with BD four years, two of those on long distance so I moved back to Ireland to be with him.
He has two DSs who are great, no problems there.

I recently sold my London flat ( teacher so via HS and many many years of paying for it via my teaching job) Enough equity to have a low mortgage in Ireland and have secured a good teaching job here.

This equity means the world to me, never had any help financially from home. DP recently bough a house online, think ebay with bigger stakes. He was short 40 grand and asked, then begged then coerced into giving him the money, which I did on he lack of any legal paper work as he promised it would be paid back within two weeks from his families estate.

No sign of money. I got mortgage approval ( not easy for returned immigrants to Ireland} on the basis of the original equity from London and having secure job here. And that mortage will run out in two months.What do I do?

DP now has a house for him and DSS.

My mortgage agreement run out in two months.

Have I been a fool. And also as a gift gave him 10 grand unrealated to 40 grand loan, his famiies estate is there, apparently.
But housing prices in ireland on an up trajectory.
need advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheerymom · 10/06/2018 03:14

In his previous marriage DP had a very wealthy wife, think CEO, she re
released equity in her home to enable him to start a business which fai
led, as most businesses do.

OP posts:
SusanDelfino · 10/06/2018 03:20

You've been a fool . No idea how you'd get your money back. You need legal advice .

LuMarie · 10/06/2018 03:21

He took complete advantage. I've had people very close to me treat me with this kind of disrespect and lies. They never return the money and have no concern or respect for you, they just want for themselves. I've seen it happen to other people too, same pattern.

I'd try a legal letter, find a solicitor, explain the importance of the situation to your life and ask them to write as intimidating and scary a letter as possible, threaten to sue etc. It may be that you have no legal paperwork and will not sue for practical reasons, but you do have an argument in your favour even without paperwork so it's not a stretch to say you have a potential case, hopefully it may startle the person into a response.

If you aren't comfortable cutting this person out of your personal life completely or fell that you want to keep the person in your life, you could talk to them first and explain clearly that it is yours, you need it, no excuses, you expect it and if it isn't returned, you are over and you will move on to legal action to get your money back.

Then step one. Then please get rid of them because they are taking massive advantage of you. I'm sorry, but I've had it happen to me, I've seen it happen to others, people who do this are not good people.

araiwa · 10/06/2018 03:41

Have you talked to him about it?

Original poster
Cheerymom · 10/06/2018 03:42

Thank you, I was relying on decency and trust but now just seething, I am particularly seething as all that money I earned from 20 years teaching with no hope or expectation from help. he is celebrating his new house, excluding me from celebrations.Two thing, don;t chase a man with empty pockets and burn the house down, which I never would as two DSS live there. I have been in touch with his sisters who are very fair and hope to get the money to me but what fuck up, women sitting it out. I had finally after many many years had a change to be mortgage free or low in a lovely country able to have my home. And say I could have said no but I got worn down by him ' Its okay fro you you will always be okay etc etd, as if this money came easily to me.

OP posts:
marjorie25 · 10/06/2018 03:45

What the fuck is wrong with these women.
I am sitting here reading some of this shit and it is blowing my mind.
It does not matter how much you love someone. God bless the child that have his own.
You had your own and gave it away before securing your own future. He took complete advantage of your good nature.
Get legal advice and I hope to the universe that you do not do something as dumb as this again.

Original poster
Cheerymom · 10/06/2018 03:49

Yes I have spoken to him about this but it always ends with hin shouting"stop putting mr under this pressure'. I get that but what about my pressure of losing out on a home"? I also cae for a bi polar brother who needs me to provide a home for him too. I have graet job nut my equity, my hard erned teaching in London equty. I was a fuking fool.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheerymom · 10/06/2018 03:57

It may seem dumb but when you are in along term relationship which includes DSS there is a huge amount of trust. I am noy dumb, had my on income from 17, educated mydef to `phd status, always had my one money, never reyied on anyone for money, this was done out of trust to someone I have knowm for 25 years, and his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheerymom · 10/06/2018 04:01

My own future is secure, I have 200savings of my own, a carer and have notever ever depended on a man, This is a huge blip of unpresidened proportions, I know him and his famiiy for 25 years

OP posts:
LuMarie · 10/06/2018 04:05

It's rude to call anyone "dumb" for being financially abused.

I happens to people who are generous, trusting, have good morals therefore don't expect others to behave in such unprincipled ways, manipulated over lengthy periods of time, pressured, lied to and abused.

Also have a PhD sister, hence the finance behind me too, I'm definitely not dumb! I'm kind, that was taken advantage of and I was manipulated over a lengthy time.

Italiangreyhound · 10/06/2018 04:06

He has treated you very badly and he sounds a bit unstable to be honest. You need legal help.

You were not a fool, you've been in a relationship 4 years and known him a quarter of a century.

He pressurized you to lend him money, you need legal help. I know nothing about the law in Ireland so please get professional help.

LuMarie · 10/06/2018 04:09

@Cheerymom

Lol at the who are these women comment! I'm also financially secure for the rest of my life, through my own work and dedication, six and seven figure sums too.

Normally I don't share that as it's private and a number in a bank account is not a reflection of the quality of a person, but am happy to respond to the person criticising us for not being financially secure for our futures! I'm good ta:)

Original poster
Cheerymom · 10/06/2018 04:14

Marjoie, I am not dubb. I have 200 in equity that I earned by myself without help from anyone. Okay? I left an inprovished Irish background with a 1st class Trinty degree, I worked many jobs while studying and did two MSa in Russel Group universities and a PHD and taught for twenty years. I moved back to Ireland in love snd we lived equally, including two DSS, then this so don't patronise me with the dumb label.

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 10/06/2018 04:17

I think you need to see a solicitor tomorrow and take it from there. You’ve tried reasoning with him and it got you nowhere.

Kiwiinkits · 10/06/2018 04:19

I think in the eyes of the law there is a strong likelihood it will be considered a gift and it will not be legally recoverable.

You need to get paperwork done and agreed that what you gave him was a LOAN not a GIFT.

Get legal advice. NOW.

Kiwiinkits · 10/06/2018 04:20

I suspect it will only be considered a loan if there was an agreed consequence for the lack of repayment and/or an interest rate agreed.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/06/2018 04:22

I joke that if I ever got a tattoo it would say, "get it in writing". You might not be dumb but you handed over 40K without paperwork, which is what exactly... I mean he could have been run over by a bus the second afterwards.

Glad to hear you will be OK regardless. But never do anything like this without a contract again.

Original poster
Cheerymom · 10/06/2018 04:24

ThANKS LUmairex

OP posts:
cutitout · 10/06/2018 04:51

do you have any sort of proof that you gave him this money? Was it a bank transfer? How about you first text or email him saying 'hey BF , seems like I will be needing the x amount of money I lend you back in (whatever month it was). Can you please return them by x date as I need to pay my mortgage? Lets then hope that he gives you your money back or worse asks for time . Either way he will admit that you lend him the money but whatever he says try to get it in writing. That way you will have some sort of proof of loan that you can hopefully pursue?

saison4 · 10/06/2018 05:03

Can you please return them by x date as I need to pay my mortgage? Lets then hope that he gives you your money back or worse asks for time . Either way he will admit that you lend him the money but whatever he says try to get it in writing. That way you will have some sort of proof of loan that you can hopefully pursue?

a proof of loan doesn't work like that. at all.

OP, you may not be dumb but, PhD or not, you did something incredibly dumb and stupid. get legal advice but given the way this was handled (no paperwork etc), I would be very surprised if there is a legal avenue to pursue.

Cat12321 · 10/06/2018 05:12

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I have no advice unfortunately, but it really appears as though he's taken advantage of your kind nature.

I really hope that you get this resolved.
All the best Thanks

QuoadUltra · 10/06/2018 05:23

Solicitor here but with no knowledge of the law in Ireland.

Please can you tell us a bit more about how you gave him the loan? Was it bank transfer? Also, do you have any emails or texts where you ask him for the money back or where he promises the money back?

I think there is a reasonable possibility that you can get the money back. You will need legal assistance as soon as possible but if you can demonstrate it was a loan then there is no reason why you shouldn’t expect to get paid back.

The fact that you only intended 40k for two weeks helps you. What are the circumstances of the 10k?

Turkkadin · 10/06/2018 05:33

OP You have said you were in a 4 year relationship with this man before selling your obviously valuable London property, upping sticks completely and moving to Ireland to start a new life with this man.
All you have done is give up everything in London for a chancer who was offering nothing. He wasn't even planning to cohabit with you.
He didn't even have enough money to buy his own house. He isn't even honest. He is an opportunist who was just waiting for the right time to pounce. I'm sorry this has happened to you. You arnt the first and you won't be the last.

speakout · 10/06/2018 06:07

OP I won't say you are dumb- but you have been very naiive.

Original poster
Cheerymom · 10/06/2018 12:31

Turk, my absolute decision to not live together, not his. I wanted to live London and but here due to obvious reasons, low cost property, much easier teaching life, elderly mother.

Hi family HAVE money which has just come into their estate and every five of his siblings have said I am first in call for the money, they are decent people who are also shocked he has me in that position. I have been told this morning by his sister the main estate owner that she will transfer the money this week. I agree I was foolish/too trustworthy but the slagging off of OP and presenting me as some stupid woman are uncalled for.

OP posts: