To worry about this?

[Livingtothefull]

I and DH have a full time job each, we have a DS (17) with severe disabilities. We are currently trying to get everything coordinated to transition to adult services...so to cut a really long story very short, we have a lot on our plate.

DH has just let me know that his DSis in Australia contacted him to ask if we can ‘take care of her DD (23) our DNephew, as he is coming to London & needs a place to stay while he sets himself up. AIBU to set some parameters around this in terms of the length of time it can go on for? I am really worried about it for the following reasons:

DH asked SIL what job DNephew was looking for, she said that as he had studied drama and just left drama school he would get a role as an actor as that was his chosen career. AIBU to think he won’t just walk into the role he wants and that he will have to do any work he can get, at least at first? He & his DM seem to think London streets are paved with gold....it just isn’t like that. I can see him just trying & trying for weeks and months to break into acting, dependent on us in the meantime with us feeling we can’t tell him to go as he has nowhere else to go.

I can just see us having to support him week after week & month after month while he tries to get himself sorted. TBH I just can’t cope with the thought of that. We have a 2 bedroom flat so for whatever length of time he comes to stay, somebody will have to rough it. DH offered to sleep on the sofa but I don’t want him to, tbh his health is awful & getting worse and I am really worried about him. I really value my privacy & peace of mind.

DS needs personal care & toileting done, in a small house without privacy that is really hard. It’s not that I don’t want to help my DNephew out - I do - but AIBU to put some time limits around this arrangement, eg to say 2 weeks max to get himself sorted? I am being made to feel like the worst person in the world here.

Is there any chance you could explain this situation to your SIL and tell her that it wouldn’t be possible to host your DNephew? I’m sure she’d understand

Honestly I just don't think you have the room. You can't just create space where there is none!

How would DH sleeping on the sofa help? Surely DH shares with you?

Anyway yanbu of course. My cousin (much younger than I am) came to stay with DH and I where we live in oz. She was touring the world...backpacking...aged 23.

She stayed for a month and did not lift a fucking finger. I cooked every meal and she just sat around. We organised days out etc and she'd come on those but made no effort.

It was awful! Towards the end of her stay I had a job interview and nothing to wear. She lent me a pair of formal trousers...cheap ones.

When she left they were in the wash. A couple of weeks later she sent me a snippy message from the UK about posting them back.

I couldn't believe it! A pair of Primarni pants...I had to pay postage for them when she'd eaten for free at my house for a fucking month and not washed up once nor even bought some flowers to say thanks.

In short you would not be unreasonable to say "He can stay for two weeks"

And that's generous given your circumstances! He should, like other Aussie kids, find a backpackers hotel to stay at! Many pubs employ these kids and offer rooms too.

Or Airbnb? I've seen them advertising in London for £11 per night

Oh well, how about some helpful ideas of where to get work....

Bar work at the Royal Court.. royalcourttheatre.com/
or any theatre
Jobs in TV, BBC, ITV, Channel 5/5
Gumtreee
Acting websites etc....

He should get cards produced from moo.com with an english cell number and his photo on. These should be ready for when he arrives, as should be his CV. He should be ready and willing to have a job in London. Security will pay more at night, bar jobs in central posh places where people tip, otherwise no one can live on bar/waiter work in London.. it's usually grim. ON gumtree they have lots of jobs in country pubs..... Becoming a London guide might be interesting, good for an actor and good for tips... we also have them in Oxford.

We've all travelled and stayed with relatives....

I think you'd be justified in saying that you don't have the room or the financial resources or time to help out because of your son's needs so they will have to make other plans.

You're full already!

Do they have any clue what your life is like with DS? I honestly can’t believe that they have asked!!! I would tell them that he’s welcome to pop by, but you really don’t have the time, the space, the money or the energy!

Say no. Sorry but no.

Thanks so much everyone who posted. Well it seems that ILs have unilaterally decided that DN is coming over to stay....silly us for thinking we had a say. Last we heard he is coming over ‘sometime this week’...don’t know if, don’t know when, don’t know how long for. We are not going to follow up or chase.

I have argued with DH about it & now I feel dreadful. I know he feels put upon too but wants to help DN out. But I just feel so cross...AIBU to feel like this? Am I a horrible selfish person for wanting my personal space? DS care is so demanding, on top of a challenging full time job I just feel it is all too much.

DH health is not good, the demands on him as on me are already immense, I feel Dfamily just don’t know the half of it. I want to either be left alone or to be offered support...but tell me if iabu as I am losing perspective on this now.

This is ridiculous! He can't just come over because he wants to - he should wait to be invited (a long wait!)

You have so much on your plate. You are really not being unreasonable. I would say now that he can stay for two weeks (or whatever you can bear) and after that he'll have to find somewhere else to stay. You're not a hotel!

Yanbu op, that is not fair.

I feel for you and your husband, but honestly in your position I would offer advice and maybe a few dinners, but nothing more.

He is old enough to stand in his own two feet

OP-yanbu. Already sounds a stressful situ. Unless they are amazingly brilliant most actors don't make it. He will end up sponging off you as will be wanting to go to auditions and not work. Plus they don't get paid much. A friend of mine lived off his parents for years doing this and unbeknown to them actually turned down roles that he thought were beneath him even thou he was still living at home and they were subsidising him-this went on for years! He just told them he didn't get the role! I think you need to be honest about how difficult things are for you all. Maybe let him stay for 2 weeks like you said. That seems more than fair.

OP, I mean this 100% with kindness, but you cannot be such a doormat.

If your nephew comes, it is for 2 weeks only, and he sleeps on the sofa, not your dh.

You need to communicate this to them.

Offer your sofa for a week or two if you really must, but don’t make the DN so comfortable that he has no incentive to look for a place of his own to live!

I imagine that your SIL has no idea just how difficult it will be to accommodate DN, if she hasn’t actually seen the reality of your lives. Perhaps DN will quickly realise that it is highly inconvenient for you all to have him, and will find a hostel or room in a house...I hope so for your sake.

Can you call them and say, "Oh that's nice he's coming over. We'll have to take him out to dinner." Then say, "Where's he staying?"

When they say, "Your house" you will just have to say, "Don't be ridiculous. He can't stay here. We've got far too much on. He'll have to find somewhere else before he leaves you."

Just tell them you don't have enough beds / bedrooms. That's true and not unreasonable at all.

We had someone stay with us for months on end when we had a lot on - and we do have enough bedrooms - and it was a nightmare...

Well I got home from work yesterday evening and DN was there having just arrived off the flight. He was very surprised when I said I wasn’t expecting him that day.

DH got a text earlier in the day from ILs to say DN was on his way, so they literally saw him off on the flight then got round to telling us. AIBU to think that that is fucking disrespectful to not even let us know when he is arriving till the actual day? DH & I made our feelings known to each other when we could, we are both really upset.

The worst is I actually feel really sorry for DN as I feel they have really shat on him too. He has been really charming, brought gifts etc, is oblivious to all of this. I really don’t want him dragged into it but think conversations with ils will need to be had.

It may be that SiL has kept it quiet from you as to timings etc so as to shoehorn your DN into your house. I'm guessing possibly because she can't afford to pay for his initial upkeep either, so thought you'd be able to do that (roof over head, food on table).

If your DN is ad decent as he first appears to be, he will soon clock that things are tight for you space and privacy wise at your home and look to move on quickly.

Oh and DN sleeps on floor/couch, not your DH (after all, who needs it more?).

Conversations most definitely need to be had. It really sounds like your ILs are taking massive advantage of you without once thinking how difficult it might be at your end. And the poor lad caught in the middle full of no doubt youthful optimism not yet moderated by life’s realities. Please put some boundaries down ASAP. Surely he will see how hard your life is in a small flat with a son with high needs and a job. You cannot let this wear you further down. So sorry you’re going through this OP.

I'd say he can stay for a month max and she has to contribute to food and he has the sofa.

Are you all on crack?
Just say fucking no!!!!

They've obviously decided between them (not DN) that this is what's happening and shoved him on the plane, poor lad! I wouldn't kick him out, but I would explain to him that obviously at the moment there is only the sofa and then offer lots of suggestions about where to get work and lodgings fast.

Little update on this...DH said that he had spoken to his DS and (he said) that she was really apologetic and they just genuinely forgot to let us know DN was on his way, in the excitement of booking last minute ticket and seeing him off etc.

He said she would be in touch with me to apologise to me too.

I was a little mollified by this...although found it hard to believe I could (just about) understand that it was a massive cock up & SIL was generally mortified.

That was a week & a half ago & I have heard nothing more.... no phone call or text or email. AIBU to feel angry all over again & that they aren’t really sorry at all? If they were they would have been in touch. I bet they are telling each other that I am making a lot of fuss about nothing.

You don’t need to tell me we’ve been made mugs of. Everyone’s favourite mugs....that would be us. I feel this was a huge ask in the first place & there has been NO appreciation of that.

I met my friend the other evening and told her what had been going on. She knows what we were already dealing with with DS. I was actually taken aback by the look of fury on her face. She actually offered to call SIL herself & tell her what she thought of her. But I don’t want a big showdown with DN and DH caught in the middle and tbh haven’t got the energy for any drama... so feel I have to put up & shut up.

But I don’t want SIL and BIL to stay with us next time they are here. That sounds petty and vindictive doesn’t it? Please do tell me if you think iabu and overreacting.

Genuinely mortified..