To worry about this?

[Livingtothefull]

I and DH have a full time job each, we have a DS (17) with severe disabilities. We are currently trying to get everything coordinated to transition to adult services...so to cut a really long story very short, we have a lot on our plate.

DH has just let me know that his DSis in Australia contacted him to ask if we can ‘take care of her DD (23) our DNephew, as he is coming to London & needs a place to stay while he sets himself up. AIBU to set some parameters around this in terms of the length of time it can go on for? I am really worried about it for the following reasons:

DH asked SIL what job DNephew was looking for, she said that as he had studied drama and just left drama school he would get a role as an actor as that was his chosen career. AIBU to think he won’t just walk into the role he wants and that he will have to do any work he can get, at least at first? He & his DM seem to think London streets are paved with gold....it just isn’t like that. I can see him just trying & trying for weeks and months to break into acting, dependent on us in the meantime with us feeling we can’t tell him to go as he has nowhere else to go.

I can just see us having to support him week after week & month after month while he tries to get himself sorted. TBH I just can’t cope with the thought of that. We have a 2 bedroom flat so for whatever length of time he comes to stay, somebody will have to rough it. DH offered to sleep on the sofa but I don’t want him to, tbh his health is awful & getting worse and I am really worried about him. I really value my privacy & peace of mind.

DS needs personal care & toileting done, in a small house without privacy that is really hard. It’s not that I don’t want to help my DNephew out - I do - but AIBU to put some time limits around this arrangement, eg to say 2 weeks max to get himself sorted? I am being made to feel like the worst person in the world here.

You don't send someone off to the other side of the world without a thought of where they are staying. She's talking bollocks - forgot ,my arse .

That’s how I felt Oddcat, it didn’t sound plausible to me but I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt but i’m not sure now.

It’s DH I feel sorriest for (don’t get me wrong I feel sorry for me too) but he is the one with a DSis who evidently doesn’t care about him. DH has been having a hugely stressful time already dealing with DS issues and this has just heaped on more stress. The irony is that I am the one feeling guilty for being up in arms about this and the one who should by rights be feeling the guilt - because she is to blame- evidently doesn’t give a shit.

I am worried iabu because I am feeling a lot of generalised anger at present due to the ordeal we have been going through trying to get DS future sorted out. I feel nobody understands or they wouldn’t ask this of us..though it is hard to understand for anybody who hasn’t been through it. So maybe I am asking too much?

DH has problems with his heart & high blood pressure. The caring responsibilities we have are relentless, we don't have very much down time at all. I feel such anger at the upset this has caused but maybe IABU because I am just feeling angry at the whole situation?

Nope, you're absolutely not BU. I'm glad the nephew is at least a decent young man, but I'd be seriously pissed off if someone did this to me

Thanks Grumpy, it helps me get some perspective on this that I have a right to be angry.

I don’t feel very forgiving at the moment either....& I am sure I am a reasonably forgiving person who doesn’t want to bear grudges, if I had had a sincere apology I would have forgiven her straightaway (as it is already established that I am a pushover) & wouldn’t be writing these posts now. But I think she has made it apparent that she doesn’t give a shit.

That sounds so shit op. I poor DN, just being put on a plane like that. Sounds like SIL couldnt get rid of him quick enough. I'd imagine he must be feeling the tension and stress this has caused you guys.

Not blaming you - the fault lies firmly with SIL. She hasn't given any consideration for your situation. Has she even asked how her DN is getting on ?

What about PIL - do they have any sway ? .

Guess the best thing to do now is try take back control. If you have time, try and help DN get a job and get him to contribute somewhat. Ask him what he hopes to achieve with this trip, and set a deadline for him to return home if things dont work out with his acting x

You need to let DN know your position and give him a list of youth hostels. As an Aussie, I can say that this is virtually a right of passage anyway.

How’s the DN getting on with you? Your DS in law is a lying manipulative cow - never let them stay again and if they turn up, tell them a friend is staying and grab someone off the street!

Stop wasting energy worrying about how you are reacting (perfectly legitimately IMO) and have a chat with DH and DN. Set a deadline, offer any practical help DN needs that you can realistically achieve (with the quid pro quo that he will contribute to the household, even if only doing his own washing and cooking meals for all of you) and focus on your immediate family. Once the deadline is reached, tell him time's up and make sure he leaves. And if your SIL and BIL complain tell them exactly and in great detail why.

Agree, set a deadline for dn to move on. Does his passport enable him to work here? Some of the London uni halls of residence may take short term bookings - such as Imperial - and he could pick up bar or cafe work for example. Does he have an agent here?

Oh no, this is awful. You need to have a Frank chat about house rules. He sleeps in the living room/sofa but don't give up a room as you don't have one to give him. Rules-he tidies daily, cleans as one if the household (a rota could be useful here), he priorities your sons needs eg privacy when necessary and you set a time limit on his stay eg a month. Do it now at the beginning and do not let things fester.

As for your SIL. I would rely the agreement to her by email so she is in no doubt. I would need that apology, even if it was forced. Can DH help here? Saying that it would be inconvient to have them stay next year-busy, no room, etc.

Your DS is priority here.