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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Out too late - give me strength

75 replies

MigraineMonday · 09/06/2018 22:44

We have 2 DS (2 and 6). I rarely go out, leaving them w DH, approx 3 hours during the day once every 3 weeks or month to see friends. DH barely goes out alone (by choice) but works FT. With no family or childcare, I care for the kids the entire remainder. DH also travels frequently for work, and is leaving again for a couple of weeks tomorrow night.

Ages ago, I was bought tickets to the Harry Potter play as a surprise for my birthday. The play runs from 2 pm - 10 pm (breaks in between).

The theatre was too far to get back home in between so I've been out since 12:30 and just getting back. DH has had kids all day.

Received texts about my 'irresponsibility', 'wasting the day', being 'out too late' etc.

WIBU? How should I respond?

OP posts:

NataliaOsipova · 10/06/2018 10:09

I think OP was meeting friends first and then going on to the play - that was why it was such a long day, not the actual length of the play!

No - the play is in two parts (!), each about 2.5 hours, so 2.30-5 and then 7.30-10.....

I did go to something at the NT many years ago which was 5.5 hours long and had a dinner interval of 45 minutes as well as the usual 20 minutes!

Quartz2208 · 10/06/2018 10:10

Yep surely he knew in advance it would be such a long day (and yes that is the length of the play) and he often leaves you

Did you talk to him

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/06/2018 10:13

Ah, thanks Natalia - it was the bit where OP said that there wasn't time to get home in between that made me think she was doing something else first - I didn't realise the play was in two parts, thank you.

Merryoldgoat · 10/06/2018 10:13

@Nataliaosipova - we did The Wars of The Roses a couple of years ago - 9 hours of Shakespeare in a day - started late morning. Each play had an interval and there were breaks the lunch and dinner between the actual plays. It was fantastic but exhausting.

I really want to see the HP play too.

NataliaOsipova · 10/06/2018 10:23

@Merryoldgoat That sounds fantastic! I tried to persuade my DH to do the Donmar trilogy but he was not having it....

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 10/06/2018 10:25

Tell him to FO. Really. Or you are his domestic slave. He needs to be a sole parent sometimes.. I tell you, a woman needs man like a fish needs a bicycle. Would you have ranted at him for being selfish if he had gone out for the day?

DoJo · 10/06/2018 10:34

Either looking after the kids is so hard that neither of you should be expected to do it alone and he will need to change his working hours to ensure that you aren't put in that position, or it's something that one person can do perfectly capably in which case he needs to shut the fuck up and get on with it. It can't be easy for you and impossible for him.

Merryoldgoat · 10/06/2018 10:35

@Nataliaosipova - it’s quite the undertaking - not the lightest of choices were they!

Merryoldgoat · 10/06/2018 10:36

What Dojo said.

TheBigFatMermaid · 10/06/2018 10:36

How are things, OP? Does he acknowledge he was being a dick?

DoJo · 10/06/2018 10:37

Also, if he's going away for a few weeks with work, then he could do with a little downtime before he heads off, rather than minding the kids. When you're away with work you never switch off.

If he's going away for a few weeks with work, then OP could do with a little downtime before he heads off, rather than minding the kids. When you're solely responsible for your children you never switch off.

Johnnycomelately1 · 10/06/2018 10:45

When you're away with work you never switch off.

Ha ha ha. Is that what your Dh tells you? Working away is awesome. No cooking, no admin, no homework. Sweet.

Bluetrews25 · 10/06/2018 10:54

'Welcome to my world 24/7 all those days you are away, and quite a lot of the time when you are at home. Help yourself to a medal from my vast collection, as you clearly think you deserve one'
I would think this, but not be brave enough to say it.

Thespringsthething · 10/06/2018 11:03

I would think this was really bad news for the relationship, beyond this one incident, because it says what he thinks about the OP- that she's just a domestic person who shouldn't enjoy her life at all. It's very unpleasant behaviour and I wouldn't say at all typical, everyone I know, and my husband, is supportive of us all having a break, the men and the women.

My bet is he's horrible in other areas too, why would someone just try to spoil someone else's time off?

hardtotalk · 10/06/2018 11:14

Horrible behaviour.

My ex did similar - I was at school (for a 90 minute meeting about DD1's admission to Reception class) in the evening, left him at home with a 4.5yo and a 6 week old baby. I was gone for 45 mins before he started ringing me (I had the phone on silent - I was in a meeting full of other parents and teachers) and texting me 'FFS what's the point of taking your phone if you don't answer it'. Yes, she was a fussy baby, but not the point. Needless to say, EX (because this was just one example of bad behaviour)....

Bibesia · 10/06/2018 11:15

When you're away with work you never switch off.

Absolute nonsense. When I'm away for work the best time is when I close the door in my hotel room and lie back on the bed with a cup of tea watching mindless telly, reading or pratting around on the internet. The second best time is having a long, leisurely breakfast with my Kindle propped up in front of me. No cooking, no washing up, no housework, no children demanding my attention. It's the most switched off I ever get to be.

KeiTeNgeNge · 10/06/2018 11:19

So what was his response when you got home?

Blaablaablaa · 10/06/2018 11:24

This is typically controlling behaviour. He wants you at home taking on all childcare and household responsibilities. If he ruind enough nights out then you'll stop going because it's not worth the hassle.

What a horrible father - instead of enjoying spending time with his children before going away he's treating it as waste of a day.

You need to have a serious talk with him. He's behaving incredibly selfishly

geekone · 10/06/2018 11:24

@Johnnycomelately1 @Bibesia I work away a lot and my DH looks after DH and I agree with PP you never switch off it's twice as hard as working normally and there is the guilt at leaving that one person with everything and the child and dog missing you and all the normal work that has to be done after the work you have gone away to do so you have to sit in your hotel room catching up until late. There is the dining alone or the having to put on the game face and dine with colleagues or clients. There is the travel which is tiring and the being somewhere but seeing no where except the hotel or airport.

That being said this has nothing to do with the OP her DH is an arse.

geekone · 10/06/2018 11:26

*DH looks after DS

Chocmallows · 10/06/2018 12:10

I would arrange a time for a serious talk, when DCs in bed. Before talking, write down a list of the things that you want from this relationship and ask him to do the same. Sit down and agree new 'rules' to include that you both need breaks away from family life of up to X hours, without the other person interfering. If he has evenings off drinking with workmates who are friends as part of his work away that could count towards his free time.

It us reasonable to have time off to recharge, it is not reasonable to nag and complain when a break has already been agreed.

I suspect his controlling goes beyond this issue and that's why I suggest you reflect more widely on what you need and state this clearly.

OuchLegoHurts · 10/06/2018 12:21

Can you not see how abnormal and controlling his behaviour is?

Why don't you get out more often?

Johnnycomelately1 · 10/06/2018 12:59

geek, Fair enough - my personal experience is different (I'm NGO sector so I like travel as it means getting out to the projects) but I think it's a dichotomy. Some people find working away quite energising, some don't, depending on many many factors. However I've overheard too many conversations between twathead men on how they overplay the "oh working away is so hard-poor me" card to know to take it with a pinch of salt

MiniCooperLover · 10/06/2018 15:30

What did he say in the end OP?

Justwanttoweeinpeace · 10/06/2018 15:45

Sounds like he needs more practice looking after the kids.

I'm waiting for my car now to do a week working abroad. Even doing ten hours a day in a factory setting, it's like a holiday! He's having you on.

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