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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD’s Father insisting I meet him half way

44 replies

Amandinezea · 09/06/2018 17:26

DD aged two lives with me. She sees her father every other weekend staying one night. He lives an hour away. Pickups and drop offs are from and to either my house or my parents’, they live ten minutes closer to him so the furthest he ever has to travel is to my house. About a month ago he asked if I could meet him halfway as with work he is doing a lot of miles and is struggling to afford the fuel. I can sympathise with that as I am also struggling financially. I work part time so am on a low income and he gives me £30 a week maintenance.

I told him that it is his responsibility to pick up and drop off DD as I am responsible for her costs, including travel, the rest of the time, therefore it is not up to me to take on some of his travel costs, in my opinion. He seemed to reluctantly accept this at the time but he has now asked me again if I would meet him halfway. I have again said no, I can’t afford it either and it is his contact time so his responsibility. AIBU?

OP posts:

FASH84 · 09/06/2018 17:27

He gives you £30 a week to raise a child and then asks you to cover half the cost of him picking her up???? It is definitely not you who is being unreasonable.

hidinginthenightgarden · 09/06/2018 17:28

Presumably he moved away from you? If that is the case he should be paying. Especially as his £30 a week would barely pay my petrol costs for a week!

Original poster

Amandinezea · 09/06/2018 17:29

Thank you, I’m starting to doubt myself as he’s being so insistent about it

OP posts:

Rose459 · 09/06/2018 17:30

£30 a week? Wow. I agree with FASH, that is ridiculous. Picking up his child is the least he can do.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/06/2018 17:30

Have you checked the position on child maintainance?

Original poster

Amandinezea · 09/06/2018 17:32

I agreed not to go through CMS for maintenance as it caused such a nightmare when I initially did and he appealed against their decision anyway

OP posts:

CircleSquareCircleSquare · 09/06/2018 17:35

£30 a week? Is through official sources? Has it been recalculated recently?

He should collect, the cost of part of his expenses.

CircleSquareCircleSquare · 09/06/2018 17:35

What amount did the CMS suggest when you went through them?

FrogFairy · 09/06/2018 17:39

Unless he is working few hours in a very low paid job £30 child support is not enough.

Original poster

Amandinezea · 09/06/2018 17:42

They suggested £70 a week but he argued that that was based on his previous higher earnings.

OP posts:

TheWernethWife · 09/06/2018 17:46

He can insist all he wants, tell him to do one.

Original poster

Amandinezea · 09/06/2018 17:48

Thank you that’s really helpful, I was genuinely starting to doubt myself. I’ll just keep repeating that no, it’s his responsibility and hopefully he’ll eventually stop asking. I also provide all nappies and other supplies by the way when she’s with him!

OP posts:

TheWernethWife · 09/06/2018 17:49

I wish we were more like the USA, child support is mandatory there.

Juells · 09/06/2018 17:51

Is this leading up to claiming he can't afford to see her as often and will have to drop the access to every third or fourth we? I stopped taking things at face value when I'd been stung often enough. Sometimes there's a hidden agenda.

Original poster

Amandinezea · 09/06/2018 17:51

Well in theory it’s mandatory here, but I don’t think it’s enforced very well!

OP posts:

Juells · 09/06/2018 17:51

...and it will be all your fault.

NewYearNewMe18 · 09/06/2018 17:53

How much does he earn? What percentage of his wage is £30. Is he getting any top up tax credits? Where does he live? Is his rent and travel costs sucking up all his salary?

I know the consensus will be "tough" but if he cant put a roof over his own head, then he cant see his child over night either.

Only you know OP if he's pulling a fast one or whether his back is against the wall financially.

incywincybitofa · 09/06/2018 17:54

Type your posts out together OP and read it, then ask whether you think you are being unreasonable. The answer should be a clear no.
I would stop sending supplies if CMS suggested £70 a week then unless his income has more than halved he should be giving you more money than he is.

summerinrome · 09/06/2018 17:55

Just say no.

Childrenofthesun · 09/06/2018 17:55

Who moved away? Generally it is considered the responsibility of the parent who moved to do the driving.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 09/06/2018 17:57

Keep saying no and stop sending nappies.
I would also go through the CSA.

L0UISA · 09/06/2018 17:59

Stop supplying nappies. He’s not your babysitter doing you a favour, he’s her parent and needs to provide nappies, clothes etc when she is at his house.

And go to the CMS for more child support.

NailsNeedDoing · 09/06/2018 17:59

Even if the CSA suggest he pays a higher amount, it's still reasonable to consider that he might be telling the truth when he says he's struggling financially. Life is expensive and a lot of people are struggling.

He only asked, separated parents sharing the contact journeys is hardly an unusual thing, and you're free to say no. His request really isn't that outrageous.

Juells · 09/06/2018 18:03

Just like the OP is, with her £30 a week maintenance.

peanutbutterandbanana · 09/06/2018 18:05

OP - Draw up a list of her costs: food, nappies, transport/petrol, clothes, toiletries, gas/elec/ to cook food for her and bath her, toys/books, babysitting etc. £125 per month will not cover half of the cost. Have it ready when he starts to dispute you not paying for his petrol costs. The costs will only rise as she gets older, even when nappy costs are dropped.

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