DD’s Father insisting I meet him half way

[Amandinezea]

DD aged two lives with me. She sees her father every other weekend staying one night. He lives an hour away. Pickups and drop offs are from and to either my house or my parents’, they live ten minutes closer to him so the furthest he ever has to travel is to my house. About a month ago he asked if I could meet him halfway as with work he is doing a lot of miles and is struggling to afford the fuel. I can sympathise with that as I am also struggling financially. I work part time so am on a low income and he gives me £30 a week maintenance.

I told him that it is his responsibility to pick up and drop off DD as I am responsible for her costs, including travel, the rest of the time, therefore it is not up to me to take on some of his travel costs, in my opinion. He seemed to reluctantly accept this at the time but he has now asked me again if I would meet him halfway. I have again said no, I can’t afford it either and it is his contact time so his responsibility. AIBU?

Struggling?? I don’t work and I can afford £30 quid a week and I promise you my 2yr old costs more than that. It’s ridiculous that someone who is on a wage that calls for more than double the money he is paying by child maintenance lot is claiming poverty to the woman who is actually raising the kid and he’s acting like a glorified babysitter.

Stop sending her essentials op. He is supposed to be her father. My ds dad supplies everything for him. Has never asked me to drop off or collect our ds- because he recognises that I do the bulk and he’s a good parent. Your ex is a joke.

YANBU. He's got no right to insist! Just say no.

If you've moved, you should do at least half. If he moved, you should do none. You should get what the csa say you are entitled to.

I also think it sounds as if he’s looking to dropping off contact. Can’t find the money to pay for petrol to collect his dd. Bet he finds it for a beer or some such. Pps said the person, who moved away should finance the travel costs. In this case, I think it’s pretty imaterial as he’s clearly not contributing his fair share to maintenance or even spending money to look after his dd.

Interesting thread. I'm in a very similar position except contact is court ordered and maintenance paid through CMS.
The ex has been pushing in court for me to do half the travelling but for the same reasons e.g financial position as a single mum... stupid amount of maintenance being paid it hasn't been ordered as of yet and he is to do all the travelling.
I think it's a joke that these part time dads quibble over a few hours to collect their kids... it was argued in court that the 'burden' of the travelling should be shared.
What about the financial burden? What about the actual upbringing of your children? That's not shared fairly.
It's just another way in my opinion for these type of men to have control over their former partners. Disgusting.
Stand your ground, and don't give in. It really is the least he should be doing given your the one actually raising his kids.

In your opinion it might be that he should pick up the cost of fetching his daughter. But you need to answer the question of who moved away.

Generally the person who moved away is expected to do the travelling.

If you moved away, then in theory you need to facilitate your child seeing his father. If he moved away, then he should.

Either way sorting out child maintenance properly needs doing.

If he's driving for work, rather than to and from work, he should be able to claim mileage. If he's self employed it's 45p mile for first 10 000, then 25p

Sometimes courts order that whoever wants the child has to collect them. So if ex picks the child up, then the Mum has to collect. No means a hard and fast rule though.

@Childrenofthesun

Who moved away? Generally it is considered the responsibility of the parent who moved to do the driving.

So if the OP moved you think she should do all the caring for 13 out of 14 days, getting only £30 a week towards the costs, and then do all the driving as well? While he sits on his arse and has the child delivered with everything provided? Wow, women really are at the very bottom of the fucking heap...

I'm with @Childrenofthesun @Juells.

It is shit. But if it were to go to court, it is what they would suggest too, regardless of how much maintenance op is receiving.

Op needs to raise another cm case to ensure she is receiving what she should be. She has no obligation to provide resources for her ex while the child is with him, but she's a fool to herself if she thinks isn't in part responsible for ensuring her child can have a relationship with their father.

Please stop providing nappies etc too. You are being skinned already by him, don't encourage it.

Did he change job just so he could drop the payments?

He’s taking the piss, OP. He picks her up and buys her nappies etc. You’re not her only parent.

Who moved away? Generally it is considered the responsibility of the parent who moved to do the driving.

It’s also generally considered the responsibility of BOTH parents to care for and pay for their child.

If I'd been told by a court that I had to drive my children an hour away to facilitate a lazy arse my car would have been scrapped immediately.

Not sure why I'm getting all the annoyed posts. OP asked a question and I told her what the standard scenario is, and would be as ordered by the courts. I didn't say whether that was right or wrong. Hopefully if it went to court, they would also insist that the ex pays what he is supposed to pay.

It can work both ways. My DH spent years doing a 60mile round trip every weekend after his ex moved away. She refused to do any of the driving. DH sucked it up because he wanted to see his child and didn't want to have to go through the courts.

Sorry @Childrenofthesun!

£30 a week for one child is bad, i don't get that for my kids.

I would just tell him no means no and go through cms

I am literally in the same situation. And agree with PP that why the heck should we have to travel halfway to collect because of a lazy and stingy ex.
The hours he takes her (and they are becoming fewer and far between) are the only child free hours I get a week. The only time to myself and catch up on things (and sleep!), so why should I take an hour out of that to make a round trip to pick up, when he chooses where to take her when he spends time with her. That is not my problem. I make her available for him, often having to change my plans st the last minute due to his unreliability and cancellations etc etc etc.

Perhaps you could suggest that he spends time with dc somewhere closer in future? Except just reread and she stays overnight... it just frustrates me and actually really bloody upsets me that these type of men want to have their part time 'daddy' time without having to make the effort or contribute anything that actually touches the sides when it comes to the financial side of things... I get slightly more per week, but only because I applied to the cms and he has only made one payment so far (she is nine months old).

But then of course, we are seen as the 'bad ones', trying to make it difficult for the fathers and deny them a relationship with their kids. It makes me sick. Your daughter is of an age presumably when she can start to understand, and as civil as you may be to her dad, she will eventually pick up on the fact that he can't be arsed (for whatever reason he gives) to even drop her back as arranged.

Did you move away, or did he?

If you moved away, then yes, it isn’t reasonable- but then he pays too little CM so get the full amount and then you can subsidise.

If he moved away then you are totally reasonable and he can pay the full amount AND go through CM officially because he needs to pay for his child.