Petty tiredness or genuinely unfair?

[SkaPunkPrincess]

I work full time, DH part time.

Me office hours Monday - friday him some evenings in the week and usually both weekend days.

DC 5 and 2.

We have just had a tiff as DH has decided he is laying in this morning.

I am up between 5.30/6am (for context with no kids to get up for, I wouldn't have to wake till 7)
I do breakfast, get the kids dressed, get myself ready and wake DH when I am about 30 minutes from leaving so he can get up and use the bathroom before taking over and doing the school run with both DC.

He then looks after non napping 2yr old, does some light housework (wash up, push Hoover around, maybe a wash) and does school pickup and (avg) 3 nights in the week goes to work until 9.30pm.

I get home, make dinner, feed, shower and bed the kids then usually do some more housework before eating my own dinner. Whilst I eat I watch TV a bit and then it's shower teeth and bed for me.

At the weekends I look after both DC alone whilst DH works. I am again up first and inhale to shove DH out of bed if the kids are up to very occasionally get him to get the fuck up first.

I have just tried to get him to bring little one down (slept later this morning) and got told he is laying in and to fetch him myself.

He is really tired apparently 😠 fucking me too!

Am I BU to think he should be taking more of a share of the shit bits? Getting up at 5.30 to listen to my 5 year old 'sing' whilst eating his breakfast isn't my idea of a relaxing morning.

I accept may be. But I am so annoyed.

Ok so your schedules are as follows:

You (weekdays)
05:30 -08:00 : Look after kids, eat breakfast and get ready for work
08:00 -17:00 : work
17:00 -20:00 : feed kids, prepare them for bed and then housework

Him (weekdays)
07:30 -08:00: get ready
08:00-09:00: school run
09:00 -15:00: look after toddler and light housework
15:00 -16:00: school run
16:00-17:00: look after two young children
17:00-21:00: work (3 nights a week)

You then both spend the weekends either working (him) or solely responsible for two children (you).

To be honest I'm not sure that the disparity between your two schedules warrants that hard time your DH is getting on this thread. He is by no means lazy looking at his schedule and I would actually say the opposite, that you are both at risk of burn out trying to maintain these schedules. There is no real downtime and no time as a couple. I think it's a bit hypocritical to complain about how difficult and annoying the children center be in the mornings when you have them and then make out like DH is swanning around in the days where he is at home with a toddler.

Having said this, I think he could get up early on the days that he isn't working to make it fairer. I say just those days as I think asking someone to get up at 5:30am and then to try and work a shift that ends at 9pm is quite a lot to ask. However I also think he should be doing equal amounts of housework and helping out with kids bedtime routines in the nights he's not working.

OP is up 5.30 five days a week then working full time and looking after both dc all weekend.

DH is up later than op five days a week, only works 20 hours and only has 1 dc during the day

OP deserves the lie-in and dh is selfish

Draw up a menu plan for weekdays. Include a shopping list if you want.
DH shops for and cooks dinner every weeknight. Doesn’t matter if it’s fish fingers, beans and mash/chips. DC can eat early and you can eat your meal when you get home.

I don’t care about swearing etc I do enough of it myself. It’s the way you talk about your husband that is nasty. Go and have a conversation with him.

Ruffian

And after having 1 DC for some of the day and both DC for several hours (and both DC for all day in the school holidays presumably ...) DH then works an evening job, whereas OP gets to relax once the DC are in bed.

Plus I love on these threads how looking after DC is always incredibly hard work when the OP is doing it, but easy as anything when her DH is doing it ...

RedSkyAtNight

Both dc for 'several hours'? Where is that? OP gets home 5-6ish? So a couple of hours after school. Then she cooks for the dc because apparently he 'doesn't know what to make' whereas after a full day of work op is of course dying to try out exciting new recipes . Also op is doing bathing and bedtime routine even when dh isn't working.

OP hasn't said the dc are hard work, just that he/she is doing too much which is perfectly obvious to me as well. I expect the problems are very deep-rooted though.

It took DH and I a long time to realise we were on the same team and it wasn’t a competition to figure out who is more tired.

I also empathise on the not doing anything all day - I could list the things I achieved in the time it took DH to find the garage keys this afternoon but of course would sound like a twat so will resist!

It’s getting better however ...

I STILL have the mental load and it still pisses me off that I have to organise meetings to manage everything but at least now he is doing half of the ‘doing’ if not the thinking. I wish he would also do half the thinking but I always cave because when left to him we all miss out on something fun because he hasn’t organised it properly. If anyone has managed to properly turn this dynamic around I would love to hear it but after 15 years ultimately I don’t think he has housekeeping or social sectarial skills :(

Stop doing all the mornings. Just don't do it.

When he just doesn't cook, you have to so it because you are the one giving the children their dinner because he has gone out to work.

When you don't dress the children in the morning, he will have to do it because he is the one taking the children to school because you have gone out to work.

See how that works?

The person doing mornings has total morning responsibilities: get them up, dressed, fed, cleared up, teeth brushed and to school.

The person doing evenings has total evening responsibilities: plan dinner, cook dinner, eat and clear up, bath & bed.

There will be fewer rows if you each own your own end of the day properly.

Can you go into work earlier so you simply aren't there as an option?