Petty tiredness or genuinely unfair?

[SkaPunkPrincess]

I work full time, DH part time.

Me office hours Monday - friday him some evenings in the week and usually both weekend days.

DC 5 and 2.

We have just had a tiff as DH has decided he is laying in this morning.

I am up between 5.30/6am (for context with no kids to get up for, I wouldn't have to wake till 7)
I do breakfast, get the kids dressed, get myself ready and wake DH when I am about 30 minutes from leaving so he can get up and use the bathroom before taking over and doing the school run with both DC.

He then looks after non napping 2yr old, does some light housework (wash up, push Hoover around, maybe a wash) and does school pickup and (avg) 3 nights in the week goes to work until 9.30pm.

I get home, make dinner, feed, shower and bed the kids then usually do some more housework before eating my own dinner. Whilst I eat I watch TV a bit and then it's shower teeth and bed for me.

At the weekends I look after both DC alone whilst DH works. I am again up first and inhale to shove DH out of bed if the kids are up to very occasionally get him to get the fuck up first.

I have just tried to get him to bring little one down (slept later this morning) and got told he is laying in and to fetch him myself.

He is really tired apparently 😠 fucking me too!

Am I BU to think he should be taking more of a share of the shit bits? Getting up at 5.30 to listen to my 5 year old 'sing' whilst eating his breakfast isn't my idea of a relaxing morning.

I accept may be. But I am so annoyed.

He has recently however stopped putting my delicate things in the tumble dryer. I consider this a small win.

(it just took 5 years and several rows over non-expensive but loved items being ruined)

It’s not very equal is it?

I think if I were in your shoes, I would get up on the mornings that he is working nights and once a weekend day and try to schedule it so you wake up with them 3 times one week and 4 the next so it’s more equal.

If that’s when they wake, you need to take it in turns to get up with them during the week. It’s really unfair for you to get up so early every day.

Of course he should be getting dinner ready and doing more at home in the day. It sounds like he’s choosing to opt out and leave everything up to you. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone like this who left me to get up every morning, didn’t want to help me/DC out by making dinner, chose not to do much in the day so I had to do it when DC in bed, etc. Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with though. It does sound unnecessarily hard for you.

YANBU, I feel he should do at least one of the 5.30am starts at the weekend.

I know you haven't asked about the sorting out what to cook & actually cooking it, but... as a family, you might find it fun to get together, decide what evening dinner/tea is going to be for each day of the week, & draft the shopping list. DH might feel more empowered to cook some of the meals if he's invested in this way? Just a suggestion, you know him better than I do and I feel your pain over ruined smalls in the tumble dryer. And creased, tumble-dried stuff generally - if he's not doing the ironing, surely that makes more work for you in the long run?

SkaPunkPrincess - you clearly are doing getting up at 5.30am far better than your dh, since he doesn't do it at all and you don't need to get up until 7am for work. Your dh could do getting up far better than he currently is for half the week, but he seems to think that's your job. As for cooking meals - no, you shouldn't have to tell your dh, but surely it's been your choice to decide it's easier to do it yourself than have to condescend to discuss meals with him and what the family should eat all week? What is different about the occasions when he actually does bother to cook? What is going on on those rare occasions that is different?

round usually iv defrosted some mince and there's a jar of bolognaise sauce in the cupboard 😂

I work full time I do absolutely everything in the house, for the kids and for my partner. The only thing he does is sometimes make himself something to eat and leaves the mess for me to clear up! I'm sick to the back teeth of it.

I think whatever arrangement you have with the kids for you working days should be done in reverse for his working days. So if you get up with the kids on your working days, he should do it on his.

(Although I also think it would be a bit fairer for the non-working person to deal with the kids in the mornings.)

Does that make sense?

SkaPunkPrincess - . Someone that apparently useless in the kitchen might well need a firm guiding hand and set menu behind him until he feels adequately trained up!!

You see he isn't. He can cook. He makes a fantastic curry and is the best at Chinese/Thai food. I know he can make mot anything from scratch. He used to before we had our first.

He has just become lazy. He doesn't want to cook, says he gets sick of thinking about what to have for dinner. 😐

We did a weekly menu for a while but guess who had to decide what we had each day and shop for it?

Time for a come to Jesus meeting. Whoever is working less should do more at home (generally speaking) IMO. He is working part-time and could obviously do more housework and cooking. He may well be tired. But for heaven's sake, given your schedule you must be exhausted.

A come to Jesus meeting?

I think you both are tired and both do a lot. Nothing will ever be split completely equally it’s about give and take really. I’d suggest each getting a decent lie in at the weekend. That saves me and my partner from insanity. And I’d say that some people do get up better than others. My partner is better in the mornings than me but I’m also better at other things so it balances out really.

Yup, your dh sounds lazy, SkaPunkPrincess! And he's getting away with it at the moment. As a matter of interest, btw, when do you both get a proper chance to spend time together, if you work all week and he works all weekend and several evenings?

I think both of you should get up at the same time every weekday and get the kids ready for school run. If both of you get up surely you won’t need to get up that early because it won’t take so long to get ready? Then have one lie in each at the weekend.

cadbury it's nothing to do with how long it takes to get ready rtft dear.

round not often. but we try to get it where we can as we have no additional help with cc. The next time will be when we splash out on a babysitter for my birthday.

What on earth is a "come to Jesus meeting"

It's so weird on MN how people use odd words and phrases and then assume everyone else will know them!

So i'v just had 'why didn't you wake me up' you could have had a lay in if you wanted. I didnt know DC were awake.

I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER TOO! and you did fucking know because you spoke to dc1 twice when he came into the bedroom.

He knows I was pissed off yesterday and exactly what about but the lazy wanker still can't muster the self motivation to get the fuck up himself without being asked.

When you have to ask someone to do something constantly it gets tiresome and you start feeling like a nag.

Still pissed off this morning then.

Add to that DC keeps making annoying random loud noises this morning and no amount of asking him to please stop is working, I am close to losing my temper.

My DGM used to say that men are like dogs, they need training early on.

I don’t wish to treat my DH like a dog but I was very clear about my expectations when we moved in together, then chose to get married and have DCs.

My DH is very hands on and an equal partner. He was very ill some years ago and I had to do everything because he simply couldn’t. As he recovered, he seemed content to let me keep doing everything and I thought I was going mad.

I gently reminded him of my expectations and he was frankly slow to improve. So I just stopped doing anything for him and he got the message within a week.

My go slow included staying in bed until 12 one Saturday morning...

Your language is quite nasty isn’t it op. In regards to waking up if I don’t have an alarm then I don’t, my partner wakes me up instead. Would it hurt to just wake him up? I agree with a pp that I don’t like to repeatedly ask because then you sound like a nag but I also did the same and set clear boundaries before moving on with the relationship. Even before having each child I’ve made clear on how I want things. If things slip (even with myself) then we talk. We are far from perfect but this helps.

Sorry mum 😂

Really?

Commenting on my language is irrelevant to the thread and y'know I'm a grown up and well, il swear as much as I fucking well like.

Especially on an anonymous internet forum about my DH 😂

So yeah, really.

The 5.30 am starts for you represent the unfairness here, although they're not the only issue obviously. Would he do it the other way round? Doesn't sound like it. He needs to understand the burden on you. In my experience this is typical male behaviour. You need to stand your ground now otherwise resentment will fester. That's not healthy for anyone.

Using the MN rule of thumb of "equal leisure time" I don't think the weekdays are actually too unabalanced.

OP might get up at 5.30/6 with the DC, but she gets to sit down once they are in bed (let's say 7.30?) whilst DH is still working till 9.30pm (having got up at 7.30/8??) By the time DH has got home and wound down, I imagine he won't be going to bed until at least 11pm - whereas OP can go to bed earlier.

I think I'd balance it up by suggesting DH gets up early on Sunday mornings (when he hasn't worked late the night before).