To hate how you're just expected to be okay.

[Mangoo]

I've had 2 miscarriages in the space if 6 months and I'm just so f*cking down! The last happened in April and I'm just expected to be okay now but I'm really not.

My mum and DP have been great but it's almost as if they think I should be okay now. I know it's because they don't like seeing me upset all the time but I don't know how I'm supposed to just switch this off and 'get on with it'. I went from quite enjoying my job to just loathing being there because all I want to do is be at home. I have lots of colleagues around me having babies or showing me pictures of their grandkids etc... My own DP has kids from ex relationship and I've gone from really enjoying watching him with them to it being like a knife in my chest everytime I come home to him playing with them on the sofa etc...

I'm really struggling and I can't help but feel so lonely :(

So not to drip feed I'm in my mid twenties and my mother had a chromosomal issue when TTC and ended up having a large number of miscarriages and a still birth which absolutely terrifies me as I'm convinced I'll be the same which I think is giving an extra dynamic to this whole thing.

I know you can't just sit and wallow in sadness but I bloody want to and hate being told 'you have to deal with this' as if it's so easy to switch off :(

There are no set rules on how you should be feeling. The best advice I can give is to discuss it with your dd and explain how you still feel.

I had 2 mc in a short space of time. The first I was sad but believed all the "there must be something wrong with the baby" and moved on.
The 2nd hit me for six!! I fugured there must be something wrong with me.
My 3rd pregnancy was basically a "get this mc over then we can have tests" I just didn't register that this pregnancy would work. I bled early on which seemed to confirm it would end in mc....but my ds is now 10 and was obviously a fighter.

Hi Op. I had two miscarriages before my first successful pregnancy (12 weeks in jan 16 and 6/7weeks in May 16). I then fell pregnant again in July 16 and we were blessed with ds.

In my experience I found people do not know what to say at all. It's either met with silence or stupid comments. I felt really hurt by a lot of close people so for you.

I would suggest you go to the consultant appt and find out what can be done to help you. There is so much nowadays and your mum managed to have you so there is hope. You'll feel better once you know what you are faced with and what you can try to help the next pregnancy stick. For me I was prescribed two different antibiotics to take throughout the whole pregnancy as my miscarriages were a result of infection. I wasn't happy with taking them but I did and it meant the pregnancy went well. I did have blessing up to 15 weeks which was stressful but I took it one day at a time which helped.

All the best

Hi Fruitloops!

Yes the 2nd certainly hit harder than the first. With how common MCs actually are I tried to tell myself I was just one of the unlucky ones. But the 2nd convinced me I have the same troubles as my mum which just knocked me for six as you say. I'd never allowed myself to think about that possibility before and so I was just thrown into facing it head on.

I understand what you say as well about thinking 'just get this one over with'. I feel like that will be my first thought the next time I see that positive test again. My DP is all for thinking positively but I was stung by that last time. I let myself believe it would work and so it just shook me more when it didnt. We even wrote down a list of names like a bloody idiot which is still in my draw. I can't bring myself to throw it out or even pick it up because it just reminds me how sure I was and how little I knew then.

Sent you a PM

@Mangoo my husband also has a BT. His Mum had an extremely disabled baby and when they investigated it turned out to be a translocation (but also has two additional lovely children, neither of which have a BT) so he was tested before I met him and it was known. When we started TTC we went to the genetics team and they have been very good. I am currently 8 weeks pregnant and I have the support of a genetics counsellor. I am hoping to have CVS at about 12 weeks so we know what the position is and can make a decision. I would definitely suggest talking to the genetics team. It is not hopeless!

I knew this thread would be about miscarriage before I opened it. YANBU. Its heartbreakimg and sucks the joy out of pregnancy. Have you tried contacting Tommys? They are really supportive. I follow them on facebook and regularly repost their stuff on sensitivity. I lost a baby at 13 weeks 2 years ago. I will never get over it. Im grateful to have had a baby following my mc, but I had some very dark months, both when trying to get pg agsin and during my pregnancy.

I wonder whether you are simply terrified of having the same genetic issues as your mother? If that is the root cause then you need to find the courage to go back to the geneticist with your husband. The greatest fear is the unknown and actually facing fears head on -whatever the outcome- makes it easier to cope with. Worse case scenario you can be better prepared for your next pregnancy. Best case you are a fit healthy young woman with every possibility of an enduring pregnancy and have just been one of the unlucky ones to have two in a row. Take the bull by the horns. Go back to GP and ask for another referral and then keep the appointment,

@Bumbers thanks for sharing. I hope everything goes well with your pregnancy! It's great that you've got the support of your geneticist.

So far as I'm aware (and from what my mother can remember) her translocation is far more likely to cause early miscarriage than a living baby with a disability. All her losses were under 12 weeks and the babies (twins) she lost at birth was down to a complication unrelated to her BT which is not hereditary.

I think from reading posts by you ladies who are in a similar situation with BT I'm going to definitely try and reschedule my genetics appointment. I'm feeling a bit more comfortable after hearing your positive experiences!

@Lokibear thank you. It absolutely has sucked the joy out of pregnancy. Instead of excited I'm bloody terrified of the next time I miss a period or take a test because the whole rollercoaster starts again!

Thanks for the suggestion I'll have a look at Tommy's :) I've got a few suggestions for websites so I'm going to give them all a good look later. (I'm spending the day spring cleaning before DSS' get here and wreck the place later )

@Banana yes absolutely im terrified of that. I've said in the thread I'm very emotional and a bit of a wimp (I don't come off well on this thread at all ha!) and have been finding it easier to just mope around a bit and feel sorry for myself. But after reading everyone's comments on here I know I need to get on with it so I'm definitely going to look into seeing if I can see the geneticist and get the ball rolling. I feel a bit silly for cancelling the last but I was in a much worse state at the time than I am now.

And my DP really wants me to go. He was begging me to go the first time with him but I couldn't. I feel bad for that as it's his situation too and he deserves to know what he's up against as well so I think we'll try and get seen together definitely.

I completely agree with you.

I have been ttc for 4 years. Started the IVF process last year. Had lots of stressful, heartbreaking bumps in the road so far, things keep going terribly wrong! Things started to move forward with it all but then I had a miscarriage in February, and a failed embryo transfer last week. I have no more embryos left and i’m terribly fucking sad. I’m not ok. Nobody seems to understand, and they expect me to be positive 100% of the time “relax and it will happen” etc etc.... How I absolutely hate that fucking phrase, it’s beyond insensitive.

I found out on Thursday that I need an operation before anything can move forward again. The waiting list is big. I’ve had enough!!

You aren’t alone, I promise you.

VillageFete I'm so so sorry.

People are so insensitive I agree. Whilst they probably mean well, telling you to just relax when you're going through the most stressful time of your life isn't helpful and it makes me so cross.

I think people just don't know what to say unless they've felt what you're feeling and so it can be really hard to find proper support in real life which is so sad.

I won't insult you by saying I know how you are feeling because I can't imagine all the added stress and worry you have re your operation and IVF etc... but I do know what it's like to some
degree to feel hopeless and that no one understands so I really hope you find some support and comfort on here through others who've been in your shoes like I have with this thread. It's been absolutely brilliant to hear from people who've gone through it and reached the other side. It shows that the future may not be as bleak as it seems when you're in the midst of the storm.

I am sending positive thoughts and luck to you.

@Mangoo You do understand how it feels though, the uncertainty and desperation. You also know how it feels to get pregnant and then have it snatched away. It’s incredibly difficult to just get over that.

I do already have a (naturally conceived) almost 9 year old miracle, so I am beyond lucky in that respect, but it doesn’t take away the desperate feeling of wanting to complete my family. I also feel incredible guilt at not being able to give her a sibling, something she so desperately wants. I won’t give up just yet, I’ve got one more round of IVF in me, I just don’t know when that will be because of this operation.

I'm glad you're going to go to the geneticist. I went to one during my recurrent mc testing and she was knowledgeable and lovely.

I've had 6 miscarriages and have three children. 1 mc before dc1, then 2 before dc2, then three before dc3. Our karyotypes came back normal, which was a bit of a surprise tbh because the fifth miscarriage was identified as being down to a fairly rare chromosomal anomaly. Genetic clotting issues were definitely part of the story for me (I have two), but not all of it, as I carried two babies to term before they were diagnosed and therefore before being on heparin. A lot of what makes a pregnancy miscarry is simply a mystery, which makes in harder in some ways but oddly easier in others, as you realise it is really not something you can control in any way.

I wish you all the best, and that you get your baby one day.

@VillageFete yes I do. That feeling of having a pregnancy snatched away along with all the dreams of the future is gut wrenching. I'm so scared of having to go through that again (though cautiously hopeful I may not have to).

I'm really glad you have your miracle LO though I appreciate it may not ease the pain your experiencing now I imagine you draw some comfort from her.

I too experience the guilt but from a different angle (putting my partner through this is hard to watch) and I know it can be really really difficult to deal with.

I hope we both get where we want to be

@anelderlylady thank you for sharing your story. Great to hear that you got your babies after so much heartache. It really gives me hope in my situation.

Definitely going to see the geneticist when I can. I imagine they deal with all sorts of situations surrounding this sort of thing and know how sensitive it is. I feel very fragile at the moment so I just hope they are gentle!

But I imagine** not now.

Well ladies I just got my positive test again. Feeling very scared and sad (which is surely not an emotion you're supposed to feel at this time?!). I just feel a bit hopeless like I've already decided what's going to happen.

Any positive vibes you could send my way would be appreciated

Congratulations OP! It’s so natural to be scared and overwhelmed and feel wary of even attaching to the idea of being pregnant again after your losses.

Do you know about the pregnancy after loss thread? It’s called fresh start and you’ll find it in the pregnancy board.

It might feel too soon but when you’re ready head over and chat to women who’ve been where you are and completely understand how you’re feeling.

Wishing you every success with your pregnancy

Sending you all the vibes!!!!!!!

And a gentle hand squeeze.

Congratulations. Scared and sad is perfectly normal and natural. This may sound a little twee, but I found that telling myself 'today I am pregnant' and ignoring everything else - from pregnancy books to talking to people, really helped. I also told everyone I wanted to know in case of another loss. My poor mother was told 'im pregnant and I dont want to talk about it' in the early weeks. Keepong everytging crossed for you x

You're not alone, and you don't have to be okay if you're not. Take things at your own pace, even if that means taking a few weeks off work if you can.

Congratulations. I know gearing that probably brings mixed feelings though. I felt the same when i got the positive test again. I cant tell you it will fade quickly, it may but equally it may linger.

Take every day as it comes and if you need to talk, feel free to PM me .

@LokiBear I like that idea. DP is excited, maybe I should just take tonight to be a little happy and share in the moment with him.

I worry that I need to 'self preserve' by just completely detaching from it but I know I can't. I know I'll worry constantly.

I've told my Grandma. She is very religious (but not the strict type!) and so I've asked her to pray for me. I feel a bit silly as I'm not really a believer myself, but I will take any help I can get.

@Ruby37 thank you! I wish I could. I've just taken the last of my annual leave this week though annoyingly :(

@WeepingAngels - thank you

Congratulations!
And perfectly normal ans understandable to feel how you are xx
Had a mc in April, awful experience xx
Lots of love to you xxx