SIL PROBLEMS

[Millsxtye1]

Hi. I’m new here and just looking for advice really. I’m having an absolute shit storm with my SIL recently over my pregnancy.
Soon as soon as I fell pregnant my SIL started being nasty to me. Started with just wee snide remarks but quickly escalated to her pointing out several times that my kids weren’t her blood family. (My partner doesn’t think this way as he is step dad but treats them as his own).
So basically as I’ve got further along in my pregnancy she has got worse and worse. A few weeks ago I had MIL on the phone crying saying I was being horrible to SIL.
Didn’t have a clue what was going on so asked partner to sort it out.
Turns out SIL doesn’t want me or MIL or FIL to be openly excited about baby on Facebook. So I lost it and had a word with her where she told me that I was hurting her because I was pregnant and it’s not fair that I’m giving her mum something she can’t.

I understand she can’t have kids and it’s a real shame. It’s not a recent thing or anything but I get it that it’s a painful thing.
But what I don’t get is the way she is treating me and being horrible to be. I thought she would be happy for her brother not angry with me. Its really upset me because I simply won’t hide my baby for anyone.

But now what’s really hurting me is my partner. He refuses to tell his sister that she is wrong to be treating me like this. I get it’s his family but he also has a partner and kids to put first also. She has caused such pain in our relationship because of all of this and he won’t even ask her to back off.

Either way I loose as it’s all his family against me but I just feel so let down by them all as all I’ve ever done is be happy I’m having another baby and that’s certainly nothing wrong.

Am I being wrong for celebrating my baby? :( I just want to be allowed to be happy without everyone making me feel bad for it. And I don’t want to have all this stress plus an unsupportive partner!

Sorry it’s so long! Thanks for reading x

Just unfriend them on Facebook? Or if you post pregnancy-related stuff, to can set it so you exclude certain people.

I know you shouldn't have to, but don't underestimate how bloody hard it is to see people's happy news all over FB when you've got fertility problems. I personally just hide people, which is what your SIL should probably do.

First world problems.
Why are you bothered with what they have to say.
Unfriend both MIL and SIL and live your life.
Enjoy your pregnancy, find new friends that you that have things in common with you and leave misery alone. This will bring you nothing by grief.
If husband does not want to say anything to SIL and MIL don't press it.
If you remove them from your daily live unless you have to be in the same room etc with them, you will be doing yourself a big favour.
Misery likes company and this sounds like it.

Am I being wrong for celebrating my baby?

Depends on what you mean by celebrating your baby? It's quite an odd expression to use when you're still pregnant. If you are making a big fuss of yourself around your SIL, then yes YABU.

There is no pain like infertility. Her feelings at you giving her parents what she will never be able to is VERY real.

YANBU for being pregnant and being excited aboutn it. It's great news. But it isn't great news for her so try to be tactful.

But you haven’t HAD the baby yet? So how are you celebrating?

No you are not unreasonable for wanting to enjoy your pregnancy openly

But have a bit of grace and sympathy dealing with your SIL. She's not being unreasonable she's just hurting

mill you have to think really carefully how you will proceed with this as it’s going to lay the foundations of how you will be treated in future years to come.

If you buckle under the demands now - expect to continue forever.

You can set your market stall out now and your SIL MIL & your DP (who is being a twat by the way) that your an adult who won’t be bullied.

Prepare and think about your responses when you converse with these women. Do not get drawn in to drama - rise above it.

Take SIL of facebook and explain if there is any complaints that you did it because you didn’t want to upset her further and don’t get drawn in to another argument.

You don’t need either of these women. And if this continues and your dp refuses to support you - I’d serious consider leaving and I never say that lightly on here.

If a husband or dp is prepared to let his wife be bullied by anyone then he is not a good husband.

My mental health suffered so my because of my mil and I literally had to pack my bags and stood at the door ready to go before my dh could see how fucking serious I was. My mil was banned from the house and I went NC.

Enjoy your pregnancy and don’t let anyone take the shine of it.

YANBU, your SIL is being unreasonable and a total dick about it. If she is being actively horrible to you then she’s massively out of order. SHEs jealous, which is completely understandable, but to act on it is unhinged.

If I were you, I’d have a serious chat with my DH. He needs to step up here and tell his sister to wind her neck in.

bang it’s not an odd expression at all.

I had infertility for ten years, two eptopics and three rounds of ivf. I never begrudged any one excitement over their pregnancy.

It’s envy and jealousy and op shouldn’t have to keep quiet about it

Your SIL is BU. Many, many people struggle with fertility problems. That doesn't give them the automatic right to been rude or unkind to anyone who is pregnant or who has a baby because they feel frustrated and upset. Ultimately, and as sad as it is for her, it's not your fault your SIL can't have children.

I would say, however, that there are always two sides. If your character is quite full on and you talk nothing about your baby and baby-related things whilst around her then I can see how that would grate. You need to choose your conversations carefully and be sensitive to her circumstances, too. Perhaps when the baby is born and she sees him or her she will begin to come around to the idea of being an Aunt.

I don't think being happy you're pregnant and expecting those nearest and dearest to you to be happy is unreasonable.

I tried to conceive for 2 years before I was successful and I wouldn't gave treated anyone the way your sil is acting. She sounds like a brat. Your dh needs to at least acknowledge how they are making you feel even if he's being a wimp by not dealing with it.
Don't hide your pregnancy but I wouldn't involve them and I wouldn't make it a priority to tell them when your lovely baby arrives- they've made it clear how they feel so be happy in your life and let them be on the periphery.

Yokatsu puts it nicely, TANBU to be enjoying your pregnancy but be thankful you don’t know the pain if infertility, especially as it’s the 1st grandchild (I assume from your post)
Having said that, your DH needs to be a bit more sympathetic to you, but try and cut her a bit of slack, she will probably come round when the babies born

Your sister in law is a selfish bitch and her infertility is NO excuse for her shitty behaviour and snide comments. If she has a problem she can block all your pregnancy related stuff on Facebook and choose to gracefully bow out of as much as she can.

Your dp is probably just trying to keep the peace, he’s probably been between a rock and a hard place. I wouldn’t make a huge fuss out of it, just carry on as usual and let sil and mil deal with it between them.

It depends. Are you being a total pregnancy bore on Facebook? Are you posting updates every day and does every status refer to your pregnancy? I have a couple of cousins on Facebook who are like this. They do my head in and I don’t have fertility issues. If I did they really would be very upsetting. Maybe take a step back and be honest as to whether you’re being a bit insensitive.

Your sil should be blocking your pregancy stuff but she isn’t. Therefore yes, absolutely block her. As for when you are around her, it isn’t nice to constantly talk about the baby. Having had to go through ivf, it really is horrible to think you may never have a child but cannot image how devastating it is to find out you definitely won’t. I would avoid her as much as possible tbh both before and after the birth. It sounds as if she needs a lot of therapy and is choosing not to get some and very unfairly taking her pain out on you instead.

I tend to agree with footballmum. Although she is being a bit unreasonable all this ‘I’m not going to hide my baby’ stuff does make me wonder if you are posting a lot. It’s sad but no one really cares about your pregnancy like you do, so maybe give that a thought if you are overposting.

I suspect there's two sides to every story here. Long term infertility is incredibly painful and misunderstood. It's not just 'taking a long time to concieve' it's 'this will never happen for me'. Try to take yourself out of your happy, cosy bubble (congratulations btw!) And empathise with her. How might it feel to know that you will never have a biological child?

When you post all over social media (making an assumption here) it invades other people's everyday thoughts and can be really hurtful as it's a constant reminder of the thing they want, but can't have. It's a bit shit really. Of course they can unfollow, and if I was her I would do that to minimise the everyday impact on me - or alternatively you could downplay your pregnancy a bit in solidarity with another woman who's having a tough time.

I am infertile and my SILs both have two children. It's been tough, and they have handled it completely differently. One has put nothing on social media, the other has done weekly bump updates. Guess which one I'm more here for now she's had the baby? It's the one that had some respect for me.

You are not being unreasonable to be happy about your pregnancy, but you are unreasonable to think that your happiness trumps her misery.

Drama llamas. I have similar with dhs side and I’ve withdrawn from both.

I like a quiet life.

I'm in same boat with my full sister and it is very difficult. I rarely post any baby stuff on fb but friends do tag you in articles etc.
It is devastating for your sil to not be able to have children so some tact is required.
I wouldn't block her without discussing it first though. I tried to be tactful with my sister and not message etc with scan updates (I'm having a complex pregnancy so lots of extra scans) but she took it wrong way and now isn't speaking to me for excluding her.
Maybe your DH could talk to his mom n sister and ask what they want. Then you can decide if it's reasonable and make a decision

You mentioned your SILS infertility very late in your post which made me assume you don't understand what a massive and painful thing this is for people.

I do think if you have a family member or close friend who has fertility issues, it would be kind and pertinent to keep your own pregnancy a little bit low key when they are around or where they can see it (FB)
Just to be sensitive and not cause them any more hurt than necessary.

It must be really hard for her to see her parents so excited when she knows she will never experience that with them.

You are so lucky and it's great to be excited but maybe you could extend some compassion to others who are not so fortunate.

You've posted in the wrong place unfortunately.
Your partner and his family are behaving atrociously but people will pick holes and tell you it's your fault.

Whattheactualfuckmate

"Celebrating a pregnancy" is an odd expression. If someone told me they wanted to celebrate their pregnancy I would assume they meant with a one off event, like a baby shower. I wouldn't expect someone to spent the entirety of their pregnancy celebrating it.

Where should she post? The magical place where everyone agrees with you and validates your pov even if they have another? Facebook or Instagram then OP...

Jessica Relationships maybe but even that has been infected by the Dick Virus recently.
It's not about everyone agreeing it's about people picking holes, making up their own narrative and sticking the boot in for fun. It's unpleasant. Threads go weird and pointless. It's like a lot of angry frustrated people use this forum as some sort of punch bag place.

Derailing slightly, but who's sticking the boot in for fun? It seems to me that people are sharing their similar experiences, and the OP can take from that what she wants and choose how she manages it going forward...

No you have not done anything wrong but I dont think you have really tried at all to see it at all from her perspective and exactly what infertility can do

The problem is I think is you have two people (you and your SIL) who are both so focused on seeing it from their perspective they are not being compassionate and seeing it from the others

Because I dont think you do get infertilty at all and how bitter and twisted it can make people - for example did you take it into account when you told her