SIL PROBLEMS

[Millsxtye1]

Hi. I’m new here and just looking for advice really. I’m having an absolute shit storm with my SIL recently over my pregnancy.
Soon as soon as I fell pregnant my SIL started being nasty to me. Started with just wee snide remarks but quickly escalated to her pointing out several times that my kids weren’t her blood family. (My partner doesn’t think this way as he is step dad but treats them as his own).
So basically as I’ve got further along in my pregnancy she has got worse and worse. A few weeks ago I had MIL on the phone crying saying I was being horrible to SIL.
Didn’t have a clue what was going on so asked partner to sort it out.
Turns out SIL doesn’t want me or MIL or FIL to be openly excited about baby on Facebook. So I lost it and had a word with her where she told me that I was hurting her because I was pregnant and it’s not fair that I’m giving her mum something she can’t.

I understand she can’t have kids and it’s a real shame. It’s not a recent thing or anything but I get it that it’s a painful thing.
But what I don’t get is the way she is treating me and being horrible to be. I thought she would be happy for her brother not angry with me. Its really upset me because I simply won’t hide my baby for anyone.

But now what’s really hurting me is my partner. He refuses to tell his sister that she is wrong to be treating me like this. I get it’s his family but he also has a partner and kids to put first also. She has caused such pain in our relationship because of all of this and he won’t even ask her to back off.

Either way I loose as it’s all his family against me but I just feel so let down by them all as all I’ve ever done is be happy I’m having another baby and that’s certainly nothing wrong.

Am I being wrong for celebrating my baby? :( I just want to be allowed to be happy without everyone making me feel bad for it. And I don’t want to have all this stress plus an unsupportive partner!

Sorry it’s so long! Thanks for reading x

I'm probably a bit more passive aggressive in this instance, I'd be saying to MIL "that's ok, I understand, you don't have to see the baby if you don't want to" and deliberately misinterpret what was said. MIL will back off if she thinks she isn't going to see her only grand child.

The other way is to 'love bomb' and make SIL feel like the special aunt, almost a surrogate mother, over involve her. It's so much easier to make an enemy your ally.

I thought she would be happy for her brother not angry with me
ultimately this is your DPs problem to deal with, his family, his problem. He sorts it out.

But now what’s really hurting me is my partner. He refuses to tell his sister that she is wrong to be treating me like this. Actually - you have a DP problem don't you?

Congratulations on your baby.

Family is complex especially when theres an open wound like here. I wouldn't unfriend on facebook - its an escalation. I'd create a close friends level for all the people i wanted to share precious news with, and keep them out of the baby news loop.

My own sister had fertility problems and had been trying for a few years to have a baby, falling pregnant once and miscarrying. I'd gently broached the subject we were planning to start a family in the next few years - then became pregnant first cycle off the pill. It was very painful for her, the older sibling, she'd been on an organic diet, lost weight, minimising stress, given up alcohol etc and there I was high stress job, eating too much junk, overweight and it just happened for me.

It did cause family tensions and I did feel talking openly about the pregnancy was a bit taboo - but not everywhere in life, just when with family. When DS1 was born my parents brought Dsis to visit. She expected to be waited on and acted the proper princess not even really looking at baby DS.

At 10 months old my parents had a special anniversary and we all got together for a few days centred around where I lived. DS1 is autistic, we didn't know then, he was gentle and persistent in his demands off her for attention. Going to which ever adult was closest and expecting his needs to be met. She melted and slowly got involved. Life got better for everyone.

It's not easy because it is a wonderful thing happening to you, but having wider family is wonderful too for you and your DC. If you can step back and rise above there may be a way forward. Shes coming from a bad place of jelousy and deep deep sadness. She's not wining here, everyone is missing out.

She is being unreasonable. But I can sort of understand why.

She has struggled with infertility, a situation which undoubtedly causes her hurt every day. Then her DB meets a woman who has D.C. and all of a sudden the family has children within. Not her children, not children she has grown to love from birth. That must have been quite hard to adjust to.

Now there is a baby on the way. The first baby born into the family. A special time for everyone. But tinged with sadness for her.

It doesn't sound as though you are trying to be sensitive to her. Maybe I'm wrong. And maybe you could tone down the celebrations when she might see them or be around them?

Again, she is being unreasonable. But try to give her a break.

I haven’t put a single thing about my current pregnancy on FB as a friend of mine is struggling to conceive at the moment. It just isn’t an important aspect of the pregnancy to me at all and I can see how much she is suffering. What has your relationship with SIL been like in other areas?

Your partner is the problem here! He needs to defend his wife!!!!!!

Actually I’ve reread your op and read the newer comments. I’d like to revise and add to what I said. I totally agree with Quartz that you haven’t tried to see it from her perspective at all.

As for what Jessica has written, her two sils have acted totally differently to her infertility. Yes, there is actually no need to post stuff on Facebook at all. I don’t bother. But you obviously have a choice what you do and don’t post. The problem, with Facebook is that it always gives some idealised version of events and none of the shit stuff.

I am disabled and steer clear of all the fun photos of people, who’ve been doing so much fun stuff with their lives while I’ve been writhing in pain, totally exhausted and struggling just to get my dd to and from school let alone enjoy my life. It sounds as Jessica is more like me and looks away.

Your sil is more the angry type and demonstrative. And probably to her it feels as if you’ve stolen her entire family, parents and brother. I don’t agree with her behaviour. But it’s understandable when she’s in pain.

Disgraceful indulgent behaviour from sil.
Why do people compares themselves to others, life is precious.

How dare she put one itota of misery and negative vibes on you.

I would remove myself from the the situation... And just say.. I really feel for sil but its not how I would be teat get if the situation was reversed. I'm not going to have my pregnancy ruined because of these people.
Then totally distance yourself, don't engage etc

I can't belive.. People except others to behave differently during pregnancy for them.

Tact, talking is one thing but expecting them to tone down their joy?

I guess I come at this from totally different experience... I have friends who lost their baby just after birth.. Friends who came close to death in pregnancy... Friend who lost thier dc when under 10. It apalls me to think that any previous moment may have been ruined because of burning jealously of relatives.
You can be like that over anything!! Stop it! It's nothing to do with you you and non of your business.
If they get in your face and ask personal ibsentive questions to you.. Fine.. But don't diminish their joy. They may be robbed of it

Dd has two friends who are adopted at school.. .

I would block her on all social media and go LC. She is being unreasonable, which to some degree is understandable, but she has gone way overboard in her behaviour.

Celebrate your baby with your friends and family.

I would unfriend her on Facebook so she doesn't see your posts. I feel for your SIL and I would personally just let whatever she said just wash over me. She's very jealous and understandably so. Yes she's not behaving fairly at all but she's hurt and can never have what you have. Let it go.

She's not being unreasonable she's just hurting

Many posters on Mumsnet seems to have this bizarre notion that infertility excuses all sorts of appalling behaviour. She's absolutely entitled to be upset at her infertility. She's absolutely entitled to find op's pregnancy difficult to deal with but none of that excuses or justifies her or mil behaving in the way they have. If she finds it difficult, then it's up to her to figure out how best to deal with it. She could block op on Facebook, speak to her and explain how she is finding it difficult and asking not to be included in updates etc. I would expect op to respect the request and use tact in her interactions with her. Behaving like a bitch is not acceptable behaviour, regardless of her own problems.

OP - I think your dh is a big problem here. He should most definitely be telling sil and mil that their behaviour is unacceptable and that if they can't be happy for you both, they need to at least behave in a polite way. I would definitely be limiting contact with both, including after the baby is born.

Just restrict your posts so she can’t see them. Not sure how you will hide your baby though..!

Your SIL IBU in her behaviour but I can see it stems from jealousy and hurt so I wouldn't just go NC. It took us 2 years and a miscarriage to get to 11 weeks in our current pregnancy so I know what it's like to suffer everyday that you don't have that longed-for child. That said, I don't know what it would be like to never be able to have a child (fx this one keeps sticking).

Until I got pregnant with this one I did find it extremely hard to be happy for others who were pregnant or who had a baby or even a child. I saw countless people get pregnant and have their babies while we were still trying. But I forced myself to at least pretend to be happy for them to their faces and then I'd cry at home. By at least pretending I gradually did feel happier for people. Now I'm on the other side; I have friends who would like to have children and after my dating scan I will tell them I'm preggers. But I won't send them weekly updates or photos unless they ask out of respect for their potential feelings.

It sounds like your SIL hasn't got to this place and she's not helping herself by blocking you on FB or limiting contact in person. Her behaviour is unreasonable but it's coming from her jealousy. Share your joy on FB but don't include her in your posts and don't go overboard on talking about it when she's around.

Hopefully she'll give herself a good talking to soon but until then you don't need the aggro. Share the joy with those who want to hear it and treat her as you did before you got pregnant, talk about other things, meet up with her or whatever.

She needs to change but she needs a bit of space from baby things to do that.

Depends how you are 'celebrating'. One post about the news and the one scan post is enough. Anymore IMO is tacky and oversharing.

This is your child's aunt for life. Maybe worth getting off social media and onto face to face meet up time to build a relationship that is deep and meaningful for you all

@Sunflowersforever - This is your child's aunt for life

Given the sil's comments about the op's other children, I'm not sure I'd want her around the new baby. It sounds like she will treat the children very differently even if she gets over her jealousy and nastiness.