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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this is so easy and convenient for him?

40 replies

Lackofeffort · 08/06/2018 10:05

So me and DP are separating, we're in the process of splitting the days. Basically he wants to pick the DCs from school three days a week and take them to my house and spend time with them here. So from 4-6pm something like that, the thing is I don't want to see him that often and I don't want him to see them at my house.

I just feel like it's so easy and convenient for him to bring them to my house, have a cup of tea, play with them for 10min and play on his phone for the rest of the time whilst the DCs are playing in their bedrooms. I can just imagine that this is how it will be, cuz it's like that right now.

And then there's his mum, she doesn't like me and the feeling is mutual. We've had so many problems in the past and I can't stand her, if he's here to see the kids she's going to want to see them here aswell. I mean this is a woman who already comes to our house 3-4 times a week.

I just feel like he wants it easy, come here and see them. If he had to take them somewhere, he would have to make an effort and actually spend time with them.

Or if he had to see them at his house, there wouldn't be a room to sent them to. So again, he'd have to spend time with them. He's never taken them anywhere on his own, if he does take them somewhere it's always with his mum. I take them to places on my own, parks, indoor playground etc.

AIBU to be annoyed by this?

OP posts:

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 08/06/2018 10:07

YANBU

don’t allow this. Set the boundaries from the start. He needs to take them to his place or out somewhere. Your house is categorically not available. Change your locks.

Spaghettijumper · 08/06/2018 10:08

Of course YANBU. Doesn't he understand the concept of separation? Tell him straight that you're not his servant any more and that he has to sort his own life out. Oh and you never want to see his mother again.

OliviaBenson · 08/06/2018 10:08

Yanbu. It could also be really confusing for the kids.

Could he not take them out or see them at your MILs house?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 08/06/2018 10:10

YADNBU. You need to set the boundaries now, because changing them later will cause all sorts of problems. Making his life easier is no longer part of your job and he needs to do his share of actual parenting without you there to help/supervise/do the actual work for him.
I think it's also entirely fair not to let his mother come to your house at all. She can see the kids when they are with their father.

sleepylittlebunnies · 08/06/2018 10:12

No that would annoy me too. Will you be at home at the same time so you can cook the tea etc.

He needs to move forward. He picks the kids up, take them to his house, helps with homework and interact with them, give them their tea then bring them home to you.

He needs to realise that his ongoing relationship with his kids is separate from yours and your home and so is his mums. You have separated so do things separately. Also what about weekends and school holidays?

HollowTalk · 08/06/2018 10:12

I wouldn't have my MIL around at all, if she couldn't be civil. She can see the children when they're with their dad.

He needs to keep away from your house unless he's picking up or dropping the children off.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 08/06/2018 10:14

What’s his reasoning? Why has he never taken them out alone? Is he having them on weekends at all? How old are the children?

sheepsheep · 08/06/2018 10:22

Say no.

Seriously. You do NOT have to facilitate him being a parent. You have to make the kids available if he is a suitable parent, coming to an agreement about who has them when, but after that, he is on his own. It has to work both ways and suit you as well.

Right now, when it is all fresh, is the most important time to set the boundaries of what you will and won't accept, because it is so much harder to change things once a precedent has been set.

His mum will have to see them on his time, and he will have to step up and be a parent.

Juells · 08/06/2018 10:38

You're separated. I wouldn't allow him to set foot in my house. He will feel like he's still living there, he'll be leaving cups and plates all around for you to clear up, you won't be able to be comfortable in your own home.

Absolutely out of the question. Don't entertain it for one minute.

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/06/2018 10:44

I suspect it's control. After all, how could you possibly meet someone else, when, on the days when XH has the kids, he's coming round and sitting in your living room when you want to be alone with your new bloke?

Answer: you can't. And that's what he's after, as well as not having to parent his own children.

Take back control and tell him how it will be (ie, not in YOUR house!)

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 08/06/2018 10:44

Boundaries are your friend. You had to enable his mum visiting when you were together. No more! You had to enable him to do the bits of parenting that he chose, no more!

Tell him, his time, his problem.

I do occasionally have my ex come here for the evening or to stay the weekend when it suits me (to go away with my DP) as the DCs prefer that is after many years of boundaries where they packed a bag and went to his house only.

Set the tone for this split by being strong, unbending, saying no, that doesn’t work for me. The idea of his time and your time is that when the DCs are with the other parent you get a break because you’re doing all the parenting alone the rest of the time. Having him in your house is not a break, it’s extra stress and it means he can have a nosey about, see if you’re going out etc.

I know a man who used to visit the DCs in his ex’s house and then complained to me that he’d seen her sexy undies on the washing line, and who was she wearing them for? You don’t need that shit!

Ginkypig · 08/06/2018 10:45

Your separated, it's his responsibility to work out a way to see his children that doesn't involve you.

These are his children and if he wants to keep a relationship with them then he needs to step up and be s responsible parent.
Part of That means finding a venue that can accommodate spending time with them. In the long term if he doesn't it's not you that will stop him seeking them but eventually they will see his lack of "trying" and the result will be they won't feel the need to try either.

Sausagerollers · 08/06/2018 10:45

He is your ex. He has to have a home which is suitable for his DC to play and sleep in.
He needs to be entertaining them, feeding them, doing homework with them, clearing up after them etc. Otherwise you're just his nanny/cook/housekeeper and he'll go back to his nice clean home and leave you to do all the real parenting.

Also MIL can visit her grandchildren on HIS time in HIS home. This is what separation is & don't let him persuade you otherwise.

Juells · 08/06/2018 10:47

I know a man who used to visit the DCs in his ex’s house and then complained to me that he’d seen her sexy undies on the washing line, and who was she wearing them for? You don’t need that shit!

Exactly. It's about control. And not being arsed to make other arrangements. Just NO.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 08/06/2018 10:47

I agree with pp. I wouldn't let my ex through my front door. He chose to leave, he doesn't get to come back and play happy families. He takes the kids out.
Set those boundaries now.

Handsfull13 · 08/06/2018 10:49

Definitely don't allow this. It's your home now not his so he shouldn't be in it expect pick up and drop off.
He'll feel comfortable there so the next thing you know he's helping himself to your food and drink and watching your tv while ignoring his kids.
It also takes away your time to be alone. If you have things to do or you just want to sit and do nothing. Especially if you have to work do you really want him left alone in your house.

Juells · 08/06/2018 10:55

Never underestimate how much ex's want to control, still. At one time I used to go away with a BF for the weekend when my ex had the children, and I will admit that I used to passively aggressively walk out to my car all dressed up and carrying an overnight bag as he drove away with the children. He said "how come your mum goes away every weekend?" and my eldest smartly said "because she can". 😂

He still thinks you're there to service his needs, you have to piss on your boundaries to get the message home to him that you're not.

RightOnTheEdge · 08/06/2018 10:57

YANBU you need to tell him no. I have a dp who sounds like yours and would be just like this.
He needs to take them and get into a routine for everyone's sake.
What if you have a new partner in the future? You won't want the ex hanging around the house all the time.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 08/06/2018 11:04

You are separating - spell it out to the twat. Separating. This means that YOU don’t have to put up with his shit anymore.

If HE wants to see the children HE picks them up and takes them out, to wherever he’s living, his Mums...HIS problem.

He does NOT get to doss around your house.

Change the locks
Door step handovers

Start as you mean to go on...

...and that means his mother sees them when it’s his time with them and never sets foot over YOUR doorstep ever again!

Branleuse · 08/06/2018 11:08

tell him mate, weve split up. Youre not coming round my house three days a week. Not happening. You need to sort somewhere else to take them

MumofBoysx2 · 08/06/2018 11:11

I would definitely not do that! You have to make a clear distinction. You are splitting, so he needs to take them to his place/out/wherever. Don't let him and especially not his mother use your house! Just be firm!

danci · 08/06/2018 11:11

Two birds, one stone. He takes the kids to his Mum’s.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/06/2018 11:12

Agree with PP: you do not have to allow him into your house and it's good to set the precedent now - he takes DC out or they visit him..
Though, just being cautious: is all the legal stuff in place? Is it your house, in your name? If it's very early days, the tenancy/mortgage is still in joint names and there is no formal agreement, it may be more tricky to keep him out if he refuses to be reasonable.

rainingcatsanddog · 08/06/2018 11:14

Yanbu
Can't he take the kids to his mum's house and drop them off after tea or something?

FizzyGreenWater · 08/06/2018 11:15

hahaha NO.

'Oh no, that really won't work for anyone. Above all, it's really important for the children to now start seeing you as an equal parent. Not some uncle who comes to visit them for a couple of hours and bring them home from school. Your home also needs to be somewhere they see as a home location. They need time with you there alone, parenting them.' etc.

And then the first thing he will do is draft in Mummy to do the parenting at his place instead, so two twats with one brick, so to speak.

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