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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accepting my son is getting married abroad

44 replies

Helendee · 07/06/2018 23:51

My youngest son and his fiancée announced last month that they are getting married in St Lucia next Spring.
Obviously I am sad that I won't be there for his special day and had a bloody good cry about it ( not in front of him of course), but I have come to the conclusion that it's their wedding and I want them to be happy so I am beginning to accept it.
However some family members are making me feel that I should be kicking up a fuss and telling them they are selfish, one even told me that I can't love him much if I just "let it happen"!
It's because I love him so much that I want his day to be perfect for them both! I can't win. Grrrrrrt!

OP posts:
Domino20 · 07/06/2018 23:52

Aren't you invited?

LoniceraJaponica · 07/06/2018 23:52

Have they not invited you?

Original poster
Helendee · 07/06/2018 23:54

Yes but knowing we won't be able to go for financial and medical reasons.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 07/06/2018 23:55
  1. well done on accepting his choice, there’s nothing wrong with being privately upset
  2. other relatives need to be told, very directly that it is not their business.
Boredandtired · 07/06/2018 23:55

My brother has just announced similar, we've all been invited but the location makes it nigh on impossible for many family members. My mum is really upset but it doesn't really bother me at all if it's what they want. Seeing as you are being so supportive why not suggest a celebration party here when they get back?

SemperIdem · 07/06/2018 23:56

Also - you sound like a lovely mum. I’m sure it’s been hard for you to accept you can’t be there with your son Flowers

Boredandtired · 07/06/2018 23:57

You do sound lovely and I'm sure they'd be up for a celebration, it's not the same but you get to be involved.

Original poster
Helendee · 07/06/2018 23:58

Thank you Semperldem, obviously as a mum I would have preferred it to have been otherwise but it isn't so I am putting my energy into getting excited for them and sharing their plans; my future DIL has even asked me if I would like to help her choose her dress, along with her mum. Smile

OP posts:
Fluffyears · 07/06/2018 23:58

We married without family, not because we didn’t care but because logistically it would have been a nightmare (I might also have ended up in prison for mil slaughter). Their wedding, their way and if you care you’ll give your blessing. That’s what to tell the nosey beaks telling you how you should feel.

Original poster
Helendee · 07/06/2018 23:59

Yes I think a celebration when they return is the way to go. ☺️

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 08/06/2018 00:00

I have to say in that situation I would have thought it was fairer that they just got married abroad without any other relatives there, if they knew you couldn't go.

You do sound lovely OP

FranticallyPeaceful · 08/06/2018 00:00

I want to get married abroad with just my DP and children, but I’m worried people (especially my mother) will feel upset as you are... and I totally understand, I’d be upset too really

KarmaStar · 08/06/2018 00:00

Agree with @boredandtired,you sound a living and understanding mum.
Ask if he'd,or the,would like you to organise a celebration (and a blessing?)for their return.

Shosha1 · 08/06/2018 00:01

My only child got married abroad. His wife to be was South African, and they had to marry there.

It was just how it was. I think I was more worried that he was toattally in his own and knew nobody but his DW.

We saw the photos within minutes, and on return when both of them were here they had blessing so we didn’t feel like we missed out.

KarmaStar · 08/06/2018 00:01

Loving not living!!

Original poster
Helendee · 08/06/2018 00:02

Ineedaholidaynow

Yes it will just be the two of them as C's parents can't go either.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 08/06/2018 00:02

That’s lovely op! Get involved in the ‘wedding day’ dress and then maybe mention that she could have another dress should they have a celebration once back at home. ASOS does lovely wedding dresses

Original poster
Helendee · 08/06/2018 00:03

Thank you for the replies, it just hurts to be told I don't love my boy enough when in reality my family are my entire world.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 08/06/2018 00:04

What Semperidem said, in both posts.

Like you, in my feelings I would be really, really upset, but I would fix on a smile and ensure the rational, logical words came out about it being their day, and their choice.
I would certainly tell the relations that very clearly (the bit about it being their day, their choice, not the bit about me being upset, obvs).

Original poster
Helendee · 08/06/2018 00:04

Lovely idea Semp.. Smile

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 08/06/2018 00:12

You love him so much that you want him to have his wedding his way.

Bourdic · 08/06/2018 00:13

I’d ask them about their plans for a celebration when they get back.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/06/2018 00:16

My BIL and his then girlfriend planned to get married abroad just
the 2 of them, mainly because both sets of parents were divorced and other family complications.

My MIL gave them her blessing (although I am sure she was sad not to be attending) and said the only issue would have been if any of the other parents had been invited.

However, one of the other parents made a real fuss and demanded that BIL paid for them to fly over and attend the wedding. In the end BIL changed their plans and got married in the UK and had to put up with various family shenanigans.

Hard as it is OP you are doing the right thing and other family members should shut up.

Holidaycountdown · 08/06/2018 00:16

We married in Mauritius knowing that it was likely no family would attend, our mothers and respective partners were able to join us but nobody else. We had a reception on our return so we had a less formal ceremony for immediate family at the party venue before the rest of our guests arrived, perhaps this is something they might consider depending on their reasons for marrying away from home? (Plus I got to wear the dress twice Smile) Either way you will get the opportunity to celebrate with them and I’m sure they want to include you as much as they can from their actions so far. Flowers

Loonoon · 08/06/2018 00:19

I would be very sad if my DCs did this but I hope I would be as accepting and loving as you are OP. You say you can't win but you are totally winning by being a loving mum and MIL who supports her DC as he makes his way in the world as an independent young man. Tell your interfering relations to butt out or fuck off .