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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Accepting my son is getting married abroad

44 replies

Helendee · 07/06/2018 23:51

My youngest son and his fiancée announced last month that they are getting married in St Lucia next Spring.
Obviously I am sad that I won't be there for his special day and had a bloody good cry about it ( not in front of him of course), but I have come to the conclusion that it's their wedding and I want them to be happy so I am beginning to accept it.
However some family members are making me feel that I should be kicking up a fuss and telling them they are selfish, one even told me that I can't love him much if I just "let it happen"!
It's because I love him so much that I want his day to be perfect for them both! I can't win. Grrrrrrt!

OP posts:

nooka · 08/06/2018 00:21

I think (unless there are exceptional circumstances) it is a bit selfish to chose to get married in a way that deliberately excludes your parents, especially if it's just because you like the idea of getting married on a tropic beach (isn't that what honeymoons are for?). Nothing any of the parents can do or say really, but I'm not surprised the OP is sad about it. Can you not tell the family members that you don't want to talk about the wedding OP?

JonSnowsCloak · 08/06/2018 00:39

Sounds to me like they have their own reasons for just wanting it to be the two of them and the fact your future DIL has asked you to be involved in choosing the dress makes it clear it isn't about excluding you from the day. Totally suggest about party back home (I'm guessing they want this plan) with her mum and you organising and that way you have two celebrations? My friend got married abroad and had a party on their return therefore the 'celebration with family and friends' aspect still happened. You sound lovely xxx

Kokeshi123 · 08/06/2018 01:00

"I think (unless there are exceptional circumstances) it is a bit selfish to chose to get married in a way that deliberately excludes your parents, especially if it's just because you like the idea of getting married on a tropic beach"

That was my first reaction too, but thinking about it, I do believe that some people do things this way deliberately because they do not want an enormous wedding, where all the planning for it becomes exhausting and takes over their lives. In a way, it's no different to doing a registry office wedding but just combining it with the honeymoon.

I do think (as someone who had a wedding in my husband's country to which most of my relatives and friends in the UK could not come) that it is nice to have some kind of celebration in the UK as well--just not a "wedding." That is what we did afterwards in the UK. Just a big house-party at my mother's place where everyone brought dishes/booze potluck style and all the friends and relatives came and had a nice relaxing time. It was inexpensive and much more fun than most wedding receptions, and not hard to organize either. I even put on my wedding dress and floated around a bit for people to take photos.

agnurse · 08/06/2018 01:08

You might ask if they would consider videoconferencing the wedding. My mom's cousin had a daughter who got married a couple of years ago. Her husband's family was from another country and most of them couldn't attend. They actually Skyped the ceremony for his family.

VimFuego101 · 08/06/2018 01:30

Maybe the DIL just doesn't like the idea of a big ceremony. The fact she has gone out of her way to involve you certainly suggests it's nothing personal.

mathanxiety · 08/06/2018 02:03

I agree with Nooka. They could have a very low key morning wedding at home with just parents and close family and have an old fashioned wedding breakfast with a champagne toast, then jet off to the tropics later in the day.

1forAll74 · 08/06/2018 02:17

I think that you will just get used to the idea of not going to your sons wedding,especially as you have reasons for not going... My son was married in Las Vegas some years ago, and my daughter and her partner went along too,, but I didn't like flying anymore,but I had already lived in the USA for three years, many years before. But my son and his wife had organised a big party in the village here after a couple of weeks of being home. just like another wedding in the village hall.

Aus84 · 08/06/2018 02:34

I wish more parents were like you.

DH and I wanted to elope 12 years ago. We had the most romantic wedding overseas planned. Both our parents expressed their disapproval so we ended up having the wedding they wanted us to have, locally, with all the extended family. We are still sad when we look back on our wedding day, and wished we had gone ahead with our original plans.

How ridiculous you are being told you don't love your son enough. You are putting your son feelings ahead of your own. A true sign of how much you love him.

Aus84 · 08/06/2018 02:36

But then they are not having the wedding they really want. They are just pleasing other people.

geezawee · 08/06/2018 02:50

I think it's amazing that you've accepted it and you can feel happy for him and you don't have to kick off just because other people think you should. I'm not married but if I ever were to be, I've attended enough weddings to know it isn't for me. I couldn't cope with planning it or being the centre of attention for the whole day. I'd want to run away and do it. And if I do, I hope my mum is as understanding about it as you are.

mathanxiety · 08/06/2018 03:04

Weddings are as much about community and the wider family as they are about the happy couple. A wedding is an important event that is about establishing your own married unit within society and within your extended family. There is a public element to it.

I would be interested to learn whether this couple will be accepting wedding gifts from family and friends despite their private nuptials.

TeeBee · 08/06/2018 03:25

No, a wedding whatever it means to the couple involved. It's nobody else's bloody business how they choose to say their vows to each other.

Cantspell2 · 08/06/2018 03:32

Nearly 30 years ago so long before destination weddings became a thing I got married abroad without any family invited or attending.

It was just something we wanted to do. We wanted to be married but I am not the type who would enjoy a big wedding and due to the size of my family it would have to be big.
We didn’t ask for gift nor expect them. In fact the only present we got was a joke present from my brother.
We had no problem establishing our family unit amongst the wider family (whatever that means). Our families accepted that is what we wanted to do and just threw us a party 6 months after we got back.
My brother had the big family wedding, piles of expensive presents, plush photo albums and all the added expense and a few years later the big family divorce.
I had a private wedding the way we wanted and no divorce.

Monty27 · 08/06/2018 03:32

Rest on your laurels OP. I would have problems with having a huge show off wedding for my DC's. But I would like to be there.

Monty27 · 08/06/2018 03:39

If they wanted me to be of course. But I am sure they would. Good luck.
Why should people pay that silly money that weddings cost here mostly just for show?

MonsterKidz · 08/06/2018 03:45

You sound absolutely lovely and very supportive.

I think your son and New DIL are very lucky. If it helps at all, I had a wedding that I thought everyone else wanted - my parents and in-laws for example. There were many arguments about it all and tbh it has ruined my relationship with my inlaws and my parents and inlaws relationships.

I’m not saying this is relevant to your situation at all, but if you can (as you are) put what they want first and support them, you will only win for the future. I wish I had done that.

As for your other relatives, just tell them straight that you are happy with your sons choice of wedding location and can’t wait to celebrate with him on his return. End of.

MsJuniper · 08/06/2018 05:05

I think your attitude is going to be an investment in your long-term involvement with the couple. DIL obviously holds you in high regard and by not making a big deal of the issue and respecting their wishes I reckon you're likely to remain close and trusted which will be reap long-term rewards especially if children come along.

I think it's fine to suggest a party at home but it's not like it's something they are unlikely to have realised is an option so even with that I would go for more of a "if you're thinking of having a friends & family celebration when you're back I'd be happy to host/ provide cake/ contribute" etc.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/06/2018 05:56

My first reaction as a disabled person was their decision is heartless as you won’t be there and the bride’s parents will. However, you’ve clarified it will just be the two of them as her parents also cannot attend. I totally understand your sadness. It must have been very difficult to accept you won’t be there. Your dil sounds really lovely to include you in the dress buying and I do hope you get on well with her parents.

Your extended family really don’t get a say in how you should and shouldn’t react to your adult ds’s decision. You are far more likely to have a close and loving relationship with the couple if you carry on as you are and gracefully accept their choice. You’re doing just fine. Don’t let these people bully you.

einsteinsaunt · 08/06/2018 08:36

I did it. Very personal reasons involved for me which meant my family understood and supported. Not so much from my husbands side which was more understandable. Just support their decision as best you can.

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