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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bride and Predjudice

31 replies

Puffycat · 07/06/2018 23:20

Oh MN! I’ve just started watching this prog and I really need some perception put on this!
If my DD wanted to marry someone of the same sex, trans, a different religion, culture or colour, as long as she was happy and her chosen partner was a good person who loved my DD.........you have my blessing!
BUT I, as a mum, I really can’t get my head around her marrying a guy 35 yrs her senior!
AIBU?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/06/2018 23:21

What's the difference?

HollowTalk · 07/06/2018 23:21

There is another thread on this in the TV section, OP!

Original poster
Puffycat · 07/06/2018 23:22

That’s what I’m asking you!

OP posts:
HappyLollipop · 07/06/2018 23:22

Yeah that one was the only one shown that made me feel uncomfortable, I didn't blame the grandad one bit for having a hard time coming to terms with it.

HansSoloTraveller1 · 07/06/2018 23:22

I agree op its a power dynamic thing isnt it? Which is strange because im 26 and one of my closest friends is 30 years older than me. I dont know. I just find him odd which is unfair because i dont know him.

Original poster
Puffycat · 07/06/2018 23:23

Thanks Hollow I’m new to this

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/06/2018 23:27

But I'm turning it back and asking you, what is the difference to YOU about an age difference vs a cultural/religious difference? Because if say that assuming there's no suggestion of abuse, your attitude of acceptance should surely be the the same

SleepingStandingUp · 07/06/2018 23:28

I do think he kinda played on the eccentric doddery old man routine a bit which made it odd, if assume with an age gap the guy would act younger not older

Original poster
Puffycat · 07/06/2018 23:34

I’m not entirely sure @SleepingStandingUp.
I think maybe that 35 years is such a huge gap. There’s 13 years between me and DH and you do start thinking as you get older, that said, he’s a lot healthier than me so ho hum.
In the case of the 29 yr old, let’s say they have kids when she’s 32, he’s going to be in his 70’s.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/06/2018 23:40

I did think it was interesting that they didn't push for details on whether she wanted kids because that would be the big consideration for me. I had DS at 33, DH was 41. If he'd been 68 he possibly wouldn't be able to do the things he does.

I think its also really easy to do the 35 years, so when she was 15 he was 50, that's disgusting. But if they didn't meet til she was 25, and in a work / volunteer role which is a great leveller re age, it isn't the same

HelenaDove · 07/06/2018 23:42

I think its great that the prejudice and discrimination against same sex marriages and as for the racism.............i was fucking appalled.

But it does seem that another prejudice has come along to fill the gap and that is the age gap relationship.

HelenaDove · 07/06/2018 23:45

That should have been I think its great that the prejudice against same sex marriages is called out.

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 07/06/2018 23:47

I'm pretty shocked at how comfortable the parents are saying they have a problem with their DCs partner. The couple who hadn't told anyone their DS was marrying a man, and were appalled that they planned to kiss once married Shock!

SleepingStandingUp · 07/06/2018 23:50

Yeah, ask those casual comments about limp wrists and funny walks. Says alot about what the General attitudes around them must be like for them to think that's ok. Their reaction about the kiss in church Shock

Original poster
Puffycat · 07/06/2018 23:50

I know it’s prejudice, that’s why I’m asking opinions.
I genuinely can’t get my head around the fact that if my DD wanted to marry someone 35 years older I would bloody hate it!
I always thought I was pretty open and this has made me think.
Know what, I’ve just come down on the side of my fence that has always said “ doesn’t matter darling, race, colour, religion, sexuality”
Age? I would never be happy about her being with someone older than me, but, I would be polite and welcoming.
Tell you what tho, hurt her in any way way and bye bye grandad

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 07/06/2018 23:58

DH is 23 years older than me. I was almost 19 and he was 42 when we started dating.

I do remember my dad saying "i think hes too old for you but as long as he doesnt hurt you then im ok with it"

26 years later when i go on the Relationships board or lurk on the dating threads and see the high expectations of women now like being expected to shave off pubic hair + other expectations. i thank my lucky stars that i have never had these expectations placed on me.

DH is 68 and thinks that kind of thing is ridiculous. He grew up in the 1960s and saw a lot of social change and he thinks that things seem to be going back the other way.

Original poster
Puffycat · 08/06/2018 00:11

Haha @HelenaDove!
Point well made.
Pubes aside, I understand where your dad was coming from

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 08/06/2018 09:50

Puffy do tou think it's that - when she was born he was out having sex, when she was 5 he had a kid, when she was 15 he was 40 think? Would he have fancied her at 13? 15? 17? 19? If he fancied her at 19 why not 18 and if 18 why not 17 and if 17...?

MissionItsPossible · 08/06/2018 12:14

I had a mini argument about this with the bf.

He expressed outrage at the parents attitudes to the gay couple and thought the mother of the woman who was marrying the white transgender was bigoted and prejudiced. Didn't stop him saying "ugh" when the age difference couple came on and he called him a dirty perv. I asked why he was being so prejudiced for and he said he wasn't but "it was disgusting". I told him he sounded like the parents of the other couples and he started sulking. Prejudice, it seems, is never okay, except when it is.

Bumper1969 · 08/06/2018 13:53

Is it because of the dirty old man idea? I also imagine it's the idea that she is much more likely to be an early carer and young widow.

AbsolutelyBeginning · 08/06/2018 13:54

Your mind is pretty open, but it could be more open. Don't cross bridges before you come to them. Surely the man would need to be judged on his own merits if the time comes?

Original poster
Puffycat · 08/06/2018 15:43

I know you’re right Absolutely but I’m pretty sure I’d still find it hard to get my head round. I do consider myself to be pretty open minded but this has made me question that.
Bumper’s point about being an early carer or young widow is very valid.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 08/06/2018 17:43

My sister met her second husband in her mid 30's, widowed within months of marriage. Another friend widowed in early 30's after several children together. Partners very similar age. So whilst the odds are higher...

Anyway, I don't think any one who feels horror at the thought is honestly thinking beyond dirty old man unless you'd feel similarly horrified if you found out the same-age partner had a serious illness or disability that would put your child into the carer / widow position

Original poster
Puffycat · 08/06/2018 22:21

You know what? I’m going to hold my hands up and say that I think it is ‘the dirty old man scenario ‘ . Just had a conversation with DD (15) about all this.
She agrees and has now gone off to research the social implications.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 08/06/2018 23:18

The social implications of what?

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