To think that ‘gentle parenting’....

[Balthazarsbonnet]

Is completley ridiculous?

I have a friend with a child the same age as mine (3). I like and value this friend, and shes had quite a shit life, with some turbulent times recently. Shes not with her sons dad anymore.

We had children at the same time, and i always felt very affectionate towards her little boy. But recently, his behaviour has behaviour has been appalling.

He doesnt listen to anything, hits btes and kicks other children; has insane ridiculous tantrums that go on for hours. My friends response to this is to indulge him as much as she can, never tell him off, and let him decide what to do. For example, if my child picks up one of his toys, he will come over, snatch it and push my kid over. My friends response is to tell him: dont worry, you dont have to share anything, as her philsophy is ‘well adults dont have to share’. She believes that telling him off would ‘damage his self esteem’ and that he’s ‘not being naughty, just expressing himself’

Its got so bad her ds’ nursery have had to have a word with her about his behaviour, saying that he is hurting other children and doesnt listen to anything. Her response to this is to get annoyed that hes being told off, and to refuse to accept there is a problem.

I have experience in child health, and i dont think he’s autistic, or another disgnosis that would explain the situation. Its just her ‘gentle’ approach that is stunting his sense of empathy, discipline and self regulation.

In a deprived area, i feel you would this neglect. However, because shes middle class and is ‘gentley parenting’ its fine. I worry what will become of him, and i can fully imagine that as soon as school raise any issues, she will pull him outand home school him.

AIBU to wonder who came up with this gentle parenting bullshit, and wonder what they were smoking?!

*call this neglect

That is not gentle parenting

Just one heck of a confused and struggling lady!

Thats not gentle parenting, its just rubbish parenting.

That doesn’t read to me as the definition of ‘gentle’ parenting. More ‘permissive’.
Well, it’s only going to get harder for her.

@peanut -what’s gentle parenting then?
Cos she’s read bloody books on it and quotes them ad nauseum!

You are conflating gentle parenting and permissive parenting, they are different things.

what you describe isn't gentle parenting

That's not gentle parenting, that's crap parenting!

Oh dear that’s hard work.

I consider myself a gentle parent. But not a permissive, lawless one. My children have boundaries and consequences but I don’t smack (and try not to scream and lose my temper until they’re In bed!) they’re must respect other people and the world and I explain thoughts/feelings as to why.

Your friend seems to have no sense of discipline in place at all, gentle or otherwise!

I don’t consider myself a ‘harsh parent’, would never ever hit my child, try not to shout, co-slept as I couldn’t bear to leave them crying and would never force my child to eat something they didn’t like.

But they do get told off/punished for hurting other children, I expect them to share and follow social norms, and past 2.5 I expect them to listen to me.
That’s just normal parenting, isn’t it?!

This is an example of a gentle parenting site my friend follows. Quotes: it’s normal for toddlers to hit and bite, normal for preschoolers not to want to share. Well, yes it is, but they need to be told not to do it and taught social norms and appropriate behaviour! Not just let off because it’s ‘normal’

www.gentleparenting.co.uk/kc/gentleparentingtips/

That's not gentle parenting, it's letting your child walk all over you and everyone else.

Gentle parents would remove their child if they were hurting another and explain gently why they shouldn't do it (but not get angry at them). It still involves discipline and boundaries.

Agree with all the above posters. This is not gentle this is crap. Its not about being permissive its about responding to and treating them in an age appropriate way, respecting them as individuals and being empathetic in order to teach them boundaries, show them appropriate ways of behaving and guide them when it comes to managing their feelings/sitautions.

What you are doing is similar to gentle parenting, except some gentle parents wouldn't tell their children off. They would still explain that they shouldn't hurt/scratch/bite and remove their child from the situation. No decent parent allows their child to go round hurting others because 'it's normal behaviour'.

Likewise with sharing - children don't necessarily have to share all of their own toys but they need to learn to take turns when outside home. When at home, if they don't want to share a toy with a play date, they shouldn't get it out in front of them.

FWIW, I don't gentle parent - I do more what you do but I read a lot into it when mine went through a hitting phase a couple of months back

Quite a common situation I’m afraid. I also have a friend like this. It’s very very frustrating.

Personally I have big views on "sharing." I've always told my children that if they don't want other children touching or using something, then it's fine, and similarly, if something is somebody else's and they don't want them to play with it, then they have to respect the boundaries the other child has set out. I do agree it's something that adults aren't ever expected to do.

On the other hand, biting, kicking or pushing would never be an acceptable response to someone touching a toy!

I definitely agree that this isn't "gentle" parenting. She's just not parenting her child at all.

Yep, not gentle parenting at all. A confused interpretation I'd say.

The link you've provided includes the text you've quoted under the heading "reset your expectations to what is age appropriate and normal". Gentle parenting recognises that biting / hitting / tantruming may all be part of the spectrum of a healthy toddler's behaviour, due to their stage of development. That understanding allows a parent to challenge the behaviour with empathy and insight, and appropriately for the child's development and understanding. It's not about saying "Oh well, it's 'normal' so I'll allow it".

I do 'gentle parenting' with my 4 though I dont label usually label them and your friend isnt 'gentle parenting', she isnt doing parenting at all.
Mine dont kick, bite, snatch etc and if they ever did they would be stopped.

I know someone like this. There is nothing gentle about it just lazy. But then again I don't see why we have to label everything, I just call it parenting.

Agree this is not gentle parenting.

However I think kids shouldn’t be forced to share. When mine were little I would ask them to leave toys they don’t want to share at home instead of taking them to the park.

Children need boundaries; she isn't providing any.

This is shit parenting.

I feel sorry for the Reception class he's going to enter soon ... incoming nightmare for the staff and other children!

Different parenting styles work for different children imo. My friend follows gentle parenting with her toddler and her toddler is an absolute delight to be around, certainly does not lack in empathy at all. So it seems to have worked really well for her...
I think with your friend there are more issues than just that she is trying to follow that technique.. it doesnt sound like its working for her child... perhaps her son has problems that need tackling in a different way due to his father leaving? Even if very young children can sometimes become very angry and aggressive in response to that. Even if they are not being gentle parented.
My other friend has had terrible violence problems with her toddler since his dad left... and shes certainly no follower of the gentle parenting movement.

I’d describe my parenting style as gentle parenting, but with a rod of steel at the core 😀

I’ve never smacked, used a naughty corner / chair, humiliated or called my children names, isolated a child. I’ve never told them they are naughty, or stupid, or clumsy, etc. I always distracted them from bad behaviour rather than shouting / smacking, and if possible anticipated when less desirable behavior was gong to arise and avoid it! I always child proofed rather than put them in a position of being able to break / damage anything precious. But they always, always, always knew where the boundaries were and what the consequences of crossing them would be.

I’ve got a friend like yours OP. She’s really struggling too, her home life is not easy and her kids are just awful to be around: mine watch them with open mouths as they punch, trip, kick and tantrum all over the place. struggle to spend time with them as a family these days. She wants to be gentle, her own upbringing was harsh, as is their dad, she’s trying to counteract that by being more “gentle” I think. But as a result she’s totally failing to set out and enforce any consistent boundaries with them, and they run all over her.

You are confused OP.

That’s bad parenting. Not gentle parenting.