Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To ask you why I don't love our dog?

46 replies

Stormwhale · 07/06/2018 13:22

I'm going to preface this with the statement that the dog will not be being rehomed, is well looked after and dp absolutely adores her. She is getting old, there is no way anyone would take her on and we made a commitment for life.

I just don't love her, and a lot of the time don't like her either. I wanted a playful dog that could join us on our long walks, and bring extra enjoyment to our family life. We rescued a female staffy 4 years ago, who we were told was nearly 5. We now think she was actually older as the vet thinks she is definitely over 10 now. We have ended up with a dog who doesn't play at all, can't be let off the lead as she eats horrible things (and makes herself ill), has terrible recall despite extensive training, doesnt like other dogs (not aggressive, just scared of them), cannot be left at home as she has huge separation anxiety and will bark, howl, poo and wee, follows me and dp around constantly, doesn't settle unless told to go to her bed, is generally anxious despite masses of exercise, throws up all the time because she eats the aforementioned horrible things. She doesn't want anything to do with dd (4) despite her never putting a foot wrong, we have always supervised carefully to make sure she was gentle and respectful. Plus the expected things when you own a dog, the smell, the poo, all the gross things that are 100% to be expected.

I'm just tired of the relentlessly negative experience of owning her. Dp can see past it though, and just loves her like he does dd. Is there something wrong with me? With dd even through horrible phases I have never stopped loving or liking her, I just didn't enjoy the experience of beinf a mum as much. With the dog, to be honest I never started to love her. Dp did, straight away. I just don't get it. This is nothing like I expected dog ownership to be like. From what I can see, we are ticking all the boxes for caring for a dog in the right way, but I hate it to be honest. I cant even go for a bath if dp is out in the evening without her whining and pacing even if the door is open. It's just relentless and I feel trapped a lot of the time and guilty because unless someone is physically stroking her at the time, she is never calm and relaxed so I feel guilty for wanting to do something else!

I don't know what I need. Maybe just to let it out a bit. I know it isn't her fault that she is the way she is, it must have something to do with her early experiences, but I'm exhausted by it and finding the impact she has on our lives to be hugely depressing. Flame me if you feel you need to, maybe that will help I don't know.

OP posts:

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 07/06/2018 13:27

YANBU!

You’ve given plenty of reasons for why you don’t like the dog, so it’s not a mystery.

You’re not obliged to like every single animal, just like you don’t like every single person. There’ll be dogs you love and dogs you dislike just like humans.

Do you think you rushed into choosing this dog before getting to know her? In the future would you try and spend more time getting to know a dog at the shelter before making a decision?

Wolfiefan · 07/06/2018 13:29

No flaming. You haven't got the type of dog you envisioned.
Muzzle to stop the eating awful things?
Harness and longline or rent a secure space sometimes.
She may well not be getting enough exercise/stimulation if she's not allowed off lead at all.
Could/would DD like to do some training too? Build a bond, tire and train the dog and give you a break too.
Have you consulted a vet to check for underlying issues or a behaviourist to tackle the separation anxiety? It's an awful condition but can be treated.

Original poster

Stormwhale · 07/06/2018 13:31

I think we went for this dog because she was so gentle and she still is. That is definitely her best personality trait. We were told she could be left, walked well on and off the lead etc etc. She seemed to tick all the boxes on our list, but in reality she is nothing like that. It could be that the rehoming process was stressful and has amplified her anxious streak, I don't know.

I guess my question is why does dp still adore her and just see past all the problems and I can't? Am i just cold? Objectively I can see that she is a nice friendly dog, but the negative side to owning her just drowns that out completely and stops me feeling anything warm towards her.

OP posts:

Evigglad46 · 07/06/2018 13:32

It sounds like the dog has mental health problems. I dont particularly love my dog. I take care of her and i am being Nice, but would not shed a tear when she dies. Kids love her, husbond love her. She is Very well trained. I am just not a person who loves animals. But i take care of them all.. but this dog sound unhappy and needy and would drive me crazy...

Wolfiefan · 07/06/2018 13:33

Are you at home more whilst DP works? Does most of the work fall to you?

Tinkobell · 07/06/2018 13:34

What a sad post OP, I don't know what to say to you really as there's no magic wand here. Maybe try some of the anti-stress remedies like Adaptil? I'd have a chat with a vet that is very good with dog behaviour. Can you organise doggy day care once in a while just to get a breather?

Original poster

Stormwhale · 07/06/2018 13:36

According to the vet we are doing everything right. She just feels it's a staffy thing, they are inherently needy and anxious. I have spoken to dp about a muzzle, but he feels really upset at the idea because of how she will be perceived as a staffy with a muzzle. She is on a long retractable lead on walks, so is zigzagging all over the place. On a normal day she gets at least an hour walk, and a few times a week she will get a 2-3 hour walk when we go to the woods/seafront/country park etc.

The main thing dd enjoys with her is giving her her meals or treats. Otherwise the dog is not interested in interacting with dd at all.

Behaviourist is not affordable at the minute. We have insurance, she has decent food, flea/worm treatments, sees the vet immediately if there is a problem, so we can afford her needs, but she is already costing us nearly £600 for home boarding while we go on holiday as she needs to be the only dog, not left on her own etc. That doesn't come cheap.

OP posts:

Frenchiemamax · 07/06/2018 13:36

I feel bad for you and the dog! Maybe she is feeding off of your emotions when you’re around her. Is she more anxious with you than your OH? (Not blaming at all, you can’t help if you don’t love her)

Confusedbeetle · 07/06/2018 13:37

Rescue dogs can often have issues and rescue places do not always tell you the whole story. Maybe a behaviourist can help? Or a dog sitter/walker to take the pressure off. Bonding/loving is not an automatic thing, and not always easy. I think if you had help with some of these behaviours you would be halfway there. Separation anxiety is common in rescues, May also be why she was put up for rehoming

Original poster

Stormwhale · 07/06/2018 13:38

I would say her needs are met equally by dp and I at the moment as he is temporarily out of work due to illhealth. I am studying and sahm so at home usually.

I will look into adaptil, thank you for the suggestion.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 07/06/2018 13:40

Quite a few of the things you mention are pretty typical in dogs, and others are just down to her personality. It also does sound like she's quite an old dog as so not "up for much" any more. Maybe you're not as much of a dog person as you thought, or maybe you'd have been better off with a puppy (cute but a huge amount of work).

Original poster

Stormwhale · 07/06/2018 13:41

She is equally anxious around dp or I. She has to be constantly near us. The minute one of us moves she has to jump up and follow, will never stay in a room by herself. It's just constant. She paces and whines by the door if we are home alone and just go for a wee. She does the same if it's dp.

I have to pop out, but will come back to this asap. Thank you for any and all advice.

OP posts:

LilCamper · 07/06/2018 13:43

If she is insured you can ask a vet for a referral to a behaviourist.

villainousbroodmare · 07/06/2018 13:45

Sounds tough. I have a few clients with highly anxious dogs who imo feed off the neediness but it wouldn't appeal to me at all. Some dogs show a significant improvement with anti-anxiety medication in conjunction with behavioural therapy but nothing is going to transform your animal's innate personality tbh. The behavioural therapy is something that you can read up on yourself... you don't necessarily need sessions with a behaviorist if that's out of your budget. I suppose the other thing I would suggest is some clicker training, nice walks etc just to focus on the positives with this dog and try to appreciate her good points. No dog or person is perfect.

Singlebutmarried · 07/06/2018 13:49

As she’s an only pooch I’d recommend the adaptive collar. We had one on our staff cross. It worked, til the other twonk of an animal ate it (the went into a chill like trance for 2 days). The plug ins are ok but the bit that goes into the wall gets v v v hot 😕

Time40 · 07/06/2018 13:52

Am i just cold?

No. You just don't like a dog, and that's absolutely fine. Your dog sounds like a total and utter pain in the arse, and I would absolutely hate it.

If I were you, I would be starting on a campaign to get rid of it.

SleepFreeZone · 07/06/2018 13:58

Let me guess ....... you are the one cleaning up the vomit and the poo and having your daily life disrupted by what you can and can’t do just incase it leads to the dog becoming anxious?

If the answer is yes then this is why you don’t love the dog.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 07/06/2018 13:58

YANBU! She doesn't sound like a great dog for you! But you've cared for her and given her a lovely home regardless so I would congratulate yourself on a job well done and hope that if you have another she's a better fit for you!

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 07/06/2018 13:59

I feel your pain. My dc take the p guessing which room I am in by the Lurchers at the door.
Can't wee / have a bath without them lying AGAINST the door!!
They pile up ON TOP of each other if there is only a small space next to me on the sofa!!
And I am allergic to ddogs!!

Thespringsthething · 07/06/2018 14:07

My family got a dog when I was in my late teens/early twenties and living at home some of the time. I just never loved the dog! I was always kind, took it for walks, and as it was really quite old, cleared up the poo and so on, I stayed up with it when it was very ill/dying, but once it was gone, that was that for me. My mum was distraught and truly loved the dog, I didn't. I did know I wasn't a doggy person and all my experience of being around a nice well behaved but smelly dog just confirmed that it's not for me.

I think even if you had a young dog, they are a significant tie on your time, holidays and so on.

You have done right by the dog and you have to pat yourself on the back for that.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/06/2018 14:13

YANBU. You're not being unkind to the dog, you just don't feel affection for it, and why should you? If it's 10 or so it will probably die fairly soon - and then perhaps you can put your foot down about getting another.

(I would not have a dog or a cat, and a partner wanting one in a shared home would be a deal breaker for me.)

ByeMF · 07/06/2018 14:21

We also have a very anxious rescue dog. He's extremely loving, loyal, extremely well behaved given his awful background. But the neediness drives me crazy. So no, you're NBU.

Blobby10 · 07/06/2018 15:06

This might sound barking mad (pun intended!!!) but my parents had problems with their young GSD who was very aggressive towards other dogs and humans and excessively protective of my dad. She never attacked or bit anyone but would always 'get in first' by barking loudly and straining at the lead when anyone came up and, partly due to the reputation of GSD's, she scared a lot of people .

My parents heard of a local 'dog whisperer' and, full of scepticism, made an appointment. The information this lady gave meant they addressed specific things and the dog is now one of the most calm and well behaved animals I know! I have no idea how it worked, whether the DW was just lucky with her guessing, whether she is an amazing storyteller or whether some form of Dr Doolittle ideology was going on.

But it helped my parents dog go from borderline being PTS at 2 to enjoying the last 5 years and hopefully a couple more before natural causes take over.

The DW charged £25 btw so a lot cheaper than a vets consultation!

Onlyoldontheoutside · 07/06/2018 15:11

I am not a dog person.I find it is like having a toddler that doesn't grow up.You have to be able to give them attantion,walk them and play.
I prefer cats as they areore independent and not so totally reliant on you all the time.

zzzzz · 07/06/2018 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flip

1 2