To ask you why I don't love our dog?

[Stormwhale]

I'm going to preface this with the statement that the dog will not be being rehomed, is well looked after and dp absolutely adores her. She is getting old, there is no way anyone would take her on and we made a commitment for life.

I just don't love her, and a lot of the time don't like her either. I wanted a playful dog that could join us on our long walks, and bring extra enjoyment to our family life. We rescued a female staffy 4 years ago, who we were told was nearly 5. We now think she was actually older as the vet thinks she is definitely over 10 now. We have ended up with a dog who doesn't play at all, can't be let off the lead as she eats horrible things (and makes herself ill), has terrible recall despite extensive training, doesnt like other dogs (not aggressive, just scared of them), cannot be left at home as she has huge separation anxiety and will bark, howl, poo and wee, follows me and dp around constantly, doesn't settle unless told to go to her bed, is generally anxious despite masses of exercise, throws up all the time because she eats the aforementioned horrible things. She doesn't want anything to do with dd (4) despite her never putting a foot wrong, we have always supervised carefully to make sure she was gentle and respectful. Plus the expected things when you own a dog, the smell, the poo, all the gross things that are 100% to be expected.

I'm just tired of the relentlessly negative experience of owning her. Dp can see past it though, and just loves her like he does dd. Is there something wrong with me? With dd even through horrible phases I have never stopped loving or liking her, I just didn't enjoy the experience of beinf a mum as much. With the dog, to be honest I never started to love her. Dp did, straight away. I just don't get it. This is nothing like I expected dog ownership to be like. From what I can see, we are ticking all the boxes for caring for a dog in the right way, but I hate it to be honest. I cant even go for a bath if dp is out in the evening without her whining and pacing even if the door is open. It's just relentless and I feel trapped a lot of the time and guilty because unless someone is physically stroking her at the time, she is never calm and relaxed so I feel guilty for wanting to do something else!

I don't know what I need. Maybe just to let it out a bit. I know it isn't her fault that she is the way she is, it must have something to do with her early experiences, but I'm exhausted by it and finding the impact she has on our lives to be hugely depressing. Flame me if you feel you need to, maybe that will help I don't know.

Big hugs OP.

Just one thing, your DH needs to get over this:
he feels really upset at the idea because of how she will be perceived as a staffy with a muzzle.

Who the hell cares about perception when she is eating things that are making her ill? Those are some strange priorities and if he was that concerned, he should never have got a staffy in the first place.

I adore dogs. I grew up with dogs. I've had more than one rescue dog.

Our last dog was emotionally exhausting. He sounds like he had very similar traits to yours, OP - quite old, scared of other dogs, separation anxiety to name a few. As he got older still he developed a health issue that caused incontinence.

I found it very, very hard work. The separation anxiety and to a lesser extent the fear-aggression around other dogs did improve with the help of a behaviourist and a lot of consistent work by us. But that's what it felt like - work. There was none of the (comparatively) carefree enjoyment I'd experienced with any of my/our previous dogs. I felt like I could never really relax, especially out on walks where I/we had to a) walk him at anti-social times to minimise the chance of meeting other dogs and b) stay hyper vigilant for other dogs appearing over the horizon/round the corner etc. One of the main reasons for getting a dog is to have enjoyable walks but with him they always felt like something to be endured.

He never knew anything other than affection with us, all his physical and emotional needs were met and I'm glad on one level that we were able to give him a kind home for his final years. He was finally PTS due to cancer three years ago and I haven't been able to face getting another dog since, as he was SO draining to live with over the several years we had him. So no condemnation from me, OP.

Ps another vote for Adaptil here too.
Another thought for moments of high stress, a thunder shirt can be effective for some dogs.

Anxious dogs need training, it helps them manage their anxiety when they know there is an action they can perform for approval.

OP I know exactly how you feel. I love dogs, but I looked after a friend's rescue dog for two weeks and it was the most miserable, draining experience. Couldn't go out without her screaming the place down and then weeing and pooing everywhere repeatedly, and she literally followed me from room to room every second of the day. Despite being young, she wasn't at all playful and although she'd be exuberantly happy upon my return from going out anywhere it just added to the feeling of extreme neediness. Oh and she couldn't last the night without the toilet and woke up at around 5am for her first walk.
Poor wee soul, she'd had a shit start in life and I did have a twinge of sadness handing my little shadow back but mostly felt overwhelming relief and like a huge cloud had been lifted.

You feel how you feel, you can't force love, but you sound extremely kind and dutiful and your family have clearly offered the dog a good and loving home. I just feel for you!

Depending on how open to this sort of thing you are, you could check out Animal Communication?
I personally have had amazing results with it.
On Facebook there’s a group you can post on where students are training - many need animals to work on and all they need is a photo.

Oops link:
m.facebook.com/groups/108017555944728

Thank you so much for all the advice. I am ordering the adaptil collar as the plug in wouldn't be safe with dd if it gets hot. I'm really glad I started this thread, and am grateful for the compassion you have shown me. I have felt like I must be a monster because I don't unconditionally love her like everyone seems to love their pets. I'm really grateful to the posters who have said they have felt similar or would struggle in my situation.

I think once this dog passes away, we will remain pet free. This has had too much of an impact on our quality of life. It has actually got to the point where we feel we can't try for another baby because it's too much with dd plus this dog.

I must just say that dp is brilliant. He understands that I don't feel the same way he does and absolutely pulls his weight. It tends to be him who cleans up the sick if it's just on the laminate flooring, but it's me if it's on the rug or carpet in dds bedroom.

We have our holiday coming up, so I will get two weeks away from the stress of it. I think I'm less able to deal with it at the minute because I'm not sleeping well, and feel quite anxious in general. I think it came to a head today as I had to go to something alone that I found very difficult because we couldn't get the dog looked after. I could have really done with dp there, but it just wasn't possible. I think I felt very resentful when I wrote my post.

Daft idea.
We had a poorly cat and bought a green machine from Bissell. A small carpet cleaner. It was a godsend.
Shame he can't spend the odd day in daycare to give you a break but sounds like he wouldn't cope.

OP, if anything the stuff you’ve told us makes me think very highly of you and what a good person you must be. It’s easier to take care of an animal you’re in love with. It’s much harder to do so when you’re not fond of them. Having an animal is such a huge commitment, it’s a hard slog at times that most people get through because of the rewards.

Without those rewards you’re basically sticking with it and doing everything you can for her because you are honouring the commitment you made to take care of her for the rest of her life when you adopted her. That makes you a selfless and committed person in my book. To continue to look after her to your best ability, even coming on here to seek advice, shows that even if you don’t love or even really like her, you respect her and care about the commitment you made to her. In a world where many many people adopt an animal and then send them to a shelter or let them run free as a stray or even neglect or abuse them, you’re refreshing. And I’m not worried about your dog not getting the love she needs as it’s clear your husband loves her and she’s hopefully feeling that care and love from him at least.

It takes a lot of guts to admit what you have here (it seems sort of similar to the brave women who finally break down and acknowledge they don’t love or like their own child or regret having them, and manage to get past the fear of being judged to seek help and advice). Maybe you’ll never actually like or love the dog but it’s obvious you respect her as another being worthy of care and that is a beautiful thing. Perhaps in time you’ll manage to become begrudgingly neutral housemates or find aspects of her you enjoy more. But she is a lucky dog to have found a family where even though things haven’t worked out how you expected them to, she has a home for life :)

I could be totally wrong in the case of your dog, but we saw an amazing behaviourist for our dog's annoying traits and she said that most dog behaviour issues stem from a dog feeling like you aren't the leader, so they have to step up and take leadership. This can manifest as anxiety if a dog feels that its had a role thrust on it that it doesn't feel up to. In our case, our dog was reacting to other dogs while on the lead, because he didn't feel we were taking charge of the situation. In the same way, he would be constantly pacing around and bothering us In the evening, barging through doors etc.
We were also told that it wasn't so much walking as mental exercise he needed. So, walks have become training opportunities, by making him sit and wait while we walk away, getting him to find toys etc. We hide his biscuits around the house to find, and he has to sit and wait in an open doorway whilst we eat, rather than be shut in the kitchen - all things that wear him out mentally and stop him fussing so much.

@WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam - your post has made me really teary. Thank you for being so kind. I just wish I could flick a switch and feel the way I want to about her.

Floot I think you could be on to something. Because she doesn't play, perhaps she doesn't get nearly as much mental stimulation as other dogs. Her walks are in varied locations, lots of interesting things to explore and sniff out, but she is missing out on games with toys etc as she just isn't interested. I'm going to look into extra training with food rewards as she is massively food obsessed. She does the basics, sit, stay, come, etc apart from recall on walks, but we have never tried to do tricks or anything. Perhaps if I tried to do some bits like that with her, maybe we might bond a bit?

I'm feeling a bit more positive about it after this thread so thank you. It doesn't feel quite so hopeless.

Could you put up a stair gate so she can't get upstairs? At least then she can't be sick in your daughter's room, which would make anyone feel resentful.

Try the puzzle kongs if she's a foodie - you can put kibble or cream cheese inside and they gnaw at them for hours x

Walking what a lovely supportive post. And I agree.
How about scatter feeding or brain games?
We do ringcraft, good citizen training, tried hoopers and agility and do obedience too! We have played hide and seek (but that nearly backfired once when she sought out an entire family hidden in the trees that wasn't us!!!)

Argh forgot to say if she has proper separation anxiety then you need to leave her alone for no longer than she can cope with. That may be not at all to start with. So no to the stairgate. Bedroom door closed.

m.youtube.com/playlist?list=UUoMVCOpuJNsPpqsKxCc6zLQ

The behaviourist we worked with, Stormwhale - her videos are excellent, and there's a couple on there about what to do on walks, games etc.

Our very nervous, fear aggressive rescue is on zylkene tablets, they calm him down - he also has a thunder shirt

OP I really feel for you. We also have a very fearful and reactive/occasionally aggressive rescue dog so I understand some of how you feel. BUT...ours makes up for her issues in so many other ways, she's loving and gentle at home, she loves to play, has always been clean in the house, and can be left for short periods of time (although not for the first year, she had one of us with her 24/7). I love her beyond words but I can easily see how things could have been very different, and I have nothing but admiration for you for committing to your girl despite how you are feeling. I have no experience with proper separation anxiety, but a few points on the other things I just wanted to share that have helped us:

The Buster activity mat is great for mental stimulation, and it's something you do together so it may help you bond, as you say above. You can buy extra add on bits for it to make it more interesting and challenging for her. Nina Ottoson toys are also good if she's food motivated - if we need to go out we leave her with one of these, and with a Kong frozen with treats inside, which distracts her a bit

It sounds like you can't put her in daycare? Don't give up with this - we were initially refused and told ours would never be suitable because of how she is with other dogs. However after about 18 months we found a lady locally that was willing to give her a try and we now leave her fairly regularly - she will only take her on days where she has other dogs with placid temperaments and she feels she can control the situation. It has done wonders for her as she has gone from refusing to get out of the car to running up to the door wagging her tail, excited to see her buddies and for us - in the first year we had her we had just 1 night out together! We also found a local couple on dogbuddy.com who were very dog experienced but don't have any of their own, who take her overnight - they even sleep on the sofa with her if she is scared in the night

To pick up on floots point, one behaviourist we saw advised us to make her work for her food so that she understood her place in the pack - so every dinner time she has a portion of her dinner hand fed for doing sit, give paw etc. No dinner unless she does as she's asked. No treats unless she does something first, it can be as basic as sitting nicely in a certain place. They also advised to make a MASSIVE fuss of her every time she does something we want her to, so a huge 'Yessssss, GOOD GOOD girl' and an ear rub

We take chunks of cheese on every walk, which encourages her to keep close if we're at the park off the lead, and helps to get her past other dogs by distracting her if she's on lead. It need to be a high value treat ( so for yours might be roast chicken, or hotdog sausages) so it holds more appeal for them than whatever you're trying to get them away from

I have no idea if any of that will help in your situation but even if not, hopefully someone else might find it helpful! I wish you luck, you sound like a lovely caring person who wants to do right by your dog regardless of not feeling like you love her.

costa can I ask what sort of difference the Zylkene has made please? I've not heard of it before and willing to try anything that might reduce ddog's anxiety!

It just takes the edge off his anxiety and relaxes him. It’s a natural product made from milk proteins that are supposed to remind them of their mother, I think