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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Report my DD’s bully against DD’s wishes?

37 replies

TotallyChorkie · 06/06/2018 15:18

DD is 15. Girl has bullied her on and off since year 8. I have spoken to the school and little gets done. DD will have periods of respite and then it starts up again.Most of it has been low level name calling, pointing out things aboit DD’s appearance in front of friends. Telling her friends she cant touch them as they are infected. All very childish and DD sees this. She doesn’t want to report it and we have argued over this but She has insisted that she is happy to ignore it and doesn’t want to make it worse.

So it has been more of the same old stuff the last few months until DD came home and said that this girl had thrown a full water bottle at her head from the top of the stairs. she didn’t see her throw it but looked up to see the girl laughing and saying sorry, DD says the school will just ask her if she could prove it which she can’t.

I am livid and want to report but I also want to respect DD’s position on this. However I feel I need to be a parent first. Aibu to report?

OP posts:

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 06/06/2018 15:20

Your dd was assaulted. Report to school, give a time line to deal or you will report to the police.

MissionItsPossible · 06/06/2018 15:22

It's very easy to say report it, especially from the sidelines, but realistically, how would you envision doing so in regards to affecting your relationship with your daughter?

Original poster

TotallyChorkie · 06/06/2018 15:26

I feel that she has been assaulted and it is wrong but if I go ahead and report and it goes wrong, I could potentially make it worse for DD and also she is never going to tell me anything again. But how can I sit back and let this continue?

OP posts:

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 06/06/2018 15:28

As the adult you get to make the decisions imo.
And your dd should be respectful of that.
If she isn't at the time she will be later.

MissionItsPossible · 06/06/2018 15:32

^^ That's what I meant OP. You have to gauge the reaction and potential fall-out of your relationship. I'm not discouraging you from doing it, I'm just saying don't do it as a knee-jerk response without taking into consideration her feelings first, especially as the school sounds useless and ineffective. But on the other hand I don't know what to advise. Tricky.

PavlovianLunge · 06/06/2018 15:36

On balance, as much as I think bullying should usually be tackled head on, I don’t think you should report it. Your DD trusts you and is telling you what’s happening; if you report this against her wishes, it could affect her trust in you. Keep the lines of communication open, be supportive (which I’m sure you are) and encourage your DD to report the incident. You could perhaps say that if things escalate, the bullying will have to be reported, either by her or by you, but might that deter her from confiding in you?

It’s very difficult, I hope things get better for your DD.

Babdoc · 06/06/2018 15:40

If you don’t report it, the message the bully will take from it is “Well, I got away with that- I can do something worse next time. They’re obviously too scared of me to report me.”
Are you going to wait until it’s a brick thrown at DD’s head next time? Or a stabbing?
Your DD has been the victim of an assault. Why would you not report it.

Wolfiefan · 06/06/2018 15:42

Poor girl.
Would she be more open to reporting if the school tell the bully that someone else saw It? Would the incident be on CCTV?
Bullies should be reported.
My only concern here is that your DD may lose trust in you and not confide in future.

BlueJava · 06/06/2018 15:48

I believe you have to report - but talk to your DD first. Is there a teacher that she trusts that you could both talk to? If there is then ask for an apointment with the teacher. Once with the teacher go through the incidents but leave them in no doubt if they don't deal with it you'll need to take it further (police, report to Ofsted). I did have a similar situation to you a couple of years back with my DS, we identified a teacher he felt comfortable with then went to see him together. I left the teacher in no doubt of what the issues were and what I wanted the outcome to be. Do keep a log of incidents with dates too.

PinotAndPlaydough · 06/06/2018 15:50

Could you speak to the school, explain the situation and ask them to say it was reported by another child or was witnessed by a member of staff.

ReggaetonLente · 06/06/2018 15:50

I was bullied for a bit - albeit at a much lower level - and my mum went behind my back to report it, against my wishes. I found it really humiliating and embarrassing, and it felt like an extension of the loss of control that I already felt at being bullied. It really affected our relationship and I struggle to confide in her about anything meaningful even now. I didn’t understand why what she wanted mattered more than what I wanted, and it compounded what the bully had already told me - that I didn’t matter.

I do agree with you that it should be dealt with, and as a parent now myself I can also understand how angry my mum was, and you must be. But can you talk to her about why you feel it’s so important to report - it’ll help school see a pattern of escalation, that if things do get worse it’ll help this girl to be punished properly, even that she could be doing it on behalf of the next girl who isn’t able to tell her mum or speak up. That’s what I’d try and focus on, a genuine, grown up conversation, rather than going behind her back and overruling her wishes.

Best of luck, it sounds horrible, your poor DD. Lots of hugs and quality time in the meantime.

RideOn · 06/06/2018 15:52

Could you persuade her to come with you and tell a teacher? Even if she can't prove it and no action is taken. So school aware - mainly for the next "incident".

Thosewhomatterdontm1nd · 06/06/2018 15:54

At 15, you want your DD to know that she can stand up to bullies and that you will support her. It’s an important life lesson that she doesn’t have to put up and shut up.

I wouldn’t report it, but I would encourage her to.

It might - probably will - be difficult, so she will need your support, but handled correctly it could be empowering for her.

good luck x

Italiangreyhound · 06/06/2018 15:58

I would report it. Putting up with even low level bullying is very bad for anyone's self esteem. Why would the girl say sorry if she had not thrown it? Even if dd had seen her, it would be her word against the other girl.

In your shoes i would talk to dd and say it will be reported by you but how and exactly what to say, your dd can input into that. She needs to be empowered, your dd, but she can't really be allowed to make this decision. It might be a bit like any low level abusive relationship where a person thinks putting up with it is the lesser or two evils. Long term, I don't think it is.

Lovemusic33 · 06/06/2018 16:03

You can report it but unless dd gives a statement then it probably won’t get anywhere.

My dd gets bullied a lot, she’s 14 and has Aspergers (and some mobility issues), dd can take quite a lot but a few months ago a girl in the year above was taking the piss out of how my daughter walks, it continued for a few days and there was no way I was going to stand for it. I contacted the school several times and eventually threatened to go to the police, as soon as I threatened with the police the school jumped on it, pulled the girl in for a stern talking too and told her to stay away from my dd. We haven’t had any issues with her since.

Email the school, tell them you will not stand for it and tell them they need to sort out the child who is doing this too her or you will be getting the police involved. Hopefully this will be enough for the school to sort it out.

BottleOfJameson · 06/06/2018 16:08

I agree with report to school then escalate to police if the school's response is inadequate. I'm usually incredibly observant of the fact that kids are young and immature and make mistakes and there's usually a reason for bad behaviour etc. But what this girl did to your DD was physically dangerous. It is unacceptable that your DD is forced to be in a place where she is physically assaulted.

fantasmasgoria1 · 06/06/2018 16:10

Please try and report this. It’s brilliant you are taking this seriously. I was bullied horrendously at school. My dad used to take litte notice other than to give me money to buy clothes etc which he thought was easier. My mum went to school twice in my first senior year and was fobbed off so she stopped trying. I was bullied for five awful years and it would have been so much easier to have had my mum fighting my corner like you are for your dd!

Failingat40 · 06/06/2018 16:11

Don't report it behind her back but you should totally encourage her to stand up to this girl.

She needs to know that if she goes unchallenged it will continue.

My son was being bullied by a tough nut boy in his year last year, quite horrible stuff happening, throwing blue fizzy juice all over him, punching him hard as he walked past, from behind at the lockers, even put a lit cigarette down the back of his collar!! The school wasn't interested so we told our son to make sure he leathered this boy the next time he laid a finger on him and that he had our full support in doing so.

It worked.

The fear was taken away and my son knew he had some control. The name calling ended up being returned in a much more cutting way, I knew what the boys weak spots would be and that worked.

The other thing I'd do is wait for this girl after school get her alone with your daughter and humiliate her. Do whatever needs to be done.

I fucking hate bullies.

twotallgiraffes · 06/06/2018 16:12

The same happened to my son and after years of keeping quiet he broke down and told me. He didn't want me to report it either but I contacted school and they told him it had been caught on cctv but they couldn't see who the bullies were. He told them and they never went near him again. The bullies were also threatened with the police as they were assaulting my son on a daily basis. Little fuckers.
Anyway I'd say report it.

MissionItsPossible · 06/06/2018 16:14

The other thing I'd do is wait for this girl after school get her alone with your daughter and humiliate her. Do whatever needs to be done.

Don't do that. The only person who will come out of that badly is you, the adult, picking on a teenager.

DobbyisFREE · 06/06/2018 16:17

At that age I would have been livid if you went against my wishes and certainly wouldn't trust you again. I realise that by reporting it you want to help but it doesn't. If bullies get punished, they take it out on the victims and it gets worse - I can tell you that from experience.

At 15 I'd be seriously discussing her going to a different school / college for 6th form and leaving it all behind her. When I was 16 I left school and went to college, I did a course that I loved with other, like-minded people. It was away from all my old bullies and my entire world changed. I realised that life didn't have to mean endless torment and those 2 years were the best of my life.

Failingat40 · 06/06/2018 16:17

How so? She can report it all she likes... her on her own and two of them ... nothing can be done.

MixedHerbs · 06/06/2018 16:19

I wouldn't advocate the above poster's advice at all, but I too (being of a devious nature) am a fan of more direct action.
I'd type a note to the school's safeguarding officer and phrase it as if it is a classmate of your dd's. Type the envelope as well. Think carefully about your phrasing eg 'our lunch break' 'she has bullied my friend in the past but then she threw a bottle down the Science Block stairs and it's gone too far'. The. Post that letter close to the school. The wise teacher should confront both your dd and the bully st the same time, thereby making it clear that no tales have been told - he information came from a another student.
Then file away what you have done in the furthest recesses of your mind. you are hurting no-one, least of all the bully who if she carries on like this will one day meet an even bigger bully and no good can come of that. Whoever sends us our DC sent you this one to look after and protect - so by hook or by crook....

Strawberryfield12 · 06/06/2018 16:23

It makes my blood boil on your behalf, but I think everyone else is right saying you shouldn't go behind DD's back. Try to reason with her and convince why is it important to report it. If her own well being doesn't feel important enough for her, could you try to reason with her that it actually is her duty to try stopping it because the bully could in the future be even more vile not only with her but also with somebody else?
For few months somebody at the past job tried to bully me (after having done so with many more people in that company) and one of the reasons I reported her and went through the full grievance procedure was the thought that I would have done everything in my power to stop the person and force the employer to sort itself out in this area and if the said person went on bullying somebody else, it would definitely not be on my conscience.

jay55 · 06/06/2018 16:38

The school haven’t done anything about it for years. It’s all very well your daughter being able to handle it but she shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of shit.
What if it’s a brick next time?

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