Report my DD’s bully against DD’s wishes?

[TotallyChorkie]

DD is 15. Girl has bullied her on and off since year 8. I have spoken to the school and little gets done. DD will have periods of respite and then it starts up again.Most of it has been low level name calling, pointing out things aboit DD’s appearance in front of friends. Telling her friends she cant touch them as they are infected. All very childish and DD sees this. She doesn’t want to report it and we have argued over this but She has insisted that she is happy to ignore it and doesn’t want to make it worse.

So it has been more of the same old stuff the last few months until DD came home and said that this girl had thrown a full water bottle at her head from the top of the stairs. she didn’t see her throw it but looked up to see the girl laughing and saying sorry, DD says the school will just ask her if she could prove it which she can’t.

I am livid and want to report but I also want to respect DD’s position on this. However I feel I need to be a parent first. Aibu to report?

At 15, you want your DD to know that she can stand up to bullies and that you will support her. It’s an important life lesson that she doesn’t have to put up and shut up.

There are a number of similar comments, but I'm quoting just the one.

That's a nice sentiment, but I didn't 'put up and shut up' and it made my school life a whole lot worse. I mean pushed out in front of oncoming cars in the dark worse, or having a knife thrown at me worse.

Just be prepared that if your daughter does tell the school what is happening the bullying may escalate. It might not - I hope it doesn't - but it is something to keep in mind.

This makes me so sad to hear stories. Where is the support? It is the reason why DD does not want it reported.

I read @ReggaetonLente post and thank you, I relayed to my DD what you said about the bully was taking away her control and I was not going to do this to her too. I told her that she was in control of what happened now and would have my full support. I also asked about CCTV as neither of us had considered this.

She came back after a while and said that she might go and see a teacher and ask if it was captured on CCTV. If it was then the school will need to deal with it and if not then at least she has made them aware but she can keep it very conversational rather than a direct report of bullying. I am hoping that her teacher will be encouraging and supportive and will give DD the confidence to move forward with a statement.

"mirime I am so very sorry that this happened to you.

However, I have also read, on mumsnet, of people who did not report and the bullying went on for ages and left them very badly affected.

Parents and schools need to stand up to bullying, the school needs empowering to exclude bullies.

I know it is very hard but if it is not reported I think there is still a chance it could escalate as the bully thinks they are invincible.

Yes I agree. It is escalating in my daughters case because she has been ignoring the name calling and low level rubbish and so bully has resorted to going to her friends and physical violence. She wants DD’s reaction in some form or to see at least that she is bothering/upsetting her.

My DS is also suffering from ‘low level’ bullying. DH didn’t want us to report it, believing it’s just part of growing up and he just had to learn to deal with it, as well as worrying it would make the situation worse. It was the wiser DS, who said ‘if I don’t say anything, nothing changes’ so I went in and together we made a statement. The bully was suspended, and DS feels happier, though still slightly apprehensive around them. As the adult, I think it’s your call.

She sounds like such a mature girl OP and you sound like a great mum. Wishing you both lots of strength.

@Italiangreyhound it was a warning to be prepared, I wasn't saying don't do it!

I have no regrets about my actions, I know I did the right thing.

@mirime sorry I wasn't complaining about what you said. I was sympathising with what happened.

I think there can be arguments for all actions but I have heard person say that the person who bullied them actually asked later 'why did you accept it.'

It wasn't clear to me whether you regretted exposing it. But I do sometimes struggle to understand things that are not really obvious so it is good to know you did not regret speaking up.

@Italiangreyhound that's ok, I was just clarifying.

And the whole thing was because I defended someone else who was being bullied. Didn't even like her that much and I ended up getting the worst of it - no good deed goes unpunished and all that! But it was definitely the right thing to do.

Your daughter does not have any confidence and it is going to get worse. You can do something about this by getting her into one of these classes:

Martial arts classes teach children important lessons about self-defense, confidence, respect and discipline. Two well-known styles are karate and taekwondo. ... The main difference is karate focuses on traditional self-defense maneuvers, while taekwondo often focuses on competition skills.
These are life savings skills that will help her as she grows.
Also you can teach her that there are bullies in every aspect of this world and as she gets older she will meet them.

I'm glad that your daughter talked to you. Please report it.

This isn't a couple of things that you can brush off and say - well, you've only got a year to go so let's ignore it.

This has been going on since year 8!! Is there anything else going on behind it or does she just see your daughter as a soft touch and a vulnerable target so she can pick on her ? Is it a jealousy thing?

You cannot let someone control you with fear, put you down and abuse you. Soon they will be out in the big wide world and this bully will be a very small fish in a big shark infested sea. If she throws a bottle of water at someone's head in a bar, or a place of work or in the street she may find herself reported to the Police or beaten up herself.

Encourage your daughter to join you in putting in writing now how ineffective the school have been at dealing with this problem and how long it's been going on for.
You could say your daughter is scared of reporting it because she thinks it will get worse and is scared of the repercussions. But that you've had enough and want to make a formal complaint. And If your daughter is not safeguarded from this person you will then be writing to the Chair of the board of governors.
Finally if Governors don't do anything you go to the department of education and report the school for having a poor anti bullying policy.

Did anyone decent witness the girl throw the bottle and can make a statement that you an ask the head to keep anonymous?The more witnesses the better.

Finally, assure your daughter that school days will soon be gone forever and she can look forward to enjoying the rest of her life without a pathetic and insecure arse trying to upset her. And one day she'll look back on it and wonder why someone acts like that because it says a damn lot about what kind of person they are.

@mirime Don't let the bastards grins you down ... and all that.