to mistrust DH's attitude to friends, one in particular

[mugOfCoffee]

DH has a group of friends with whom he went to university 20 years ago. They're a bunch of fairly normal adults, varying degrees of complexity, niceness, sense, integrity, etc. They have tended to think of themselves as a large group of very close friends so interlopers like me are usually given a bit of a trial by fire. Twelve years in I still feel that most of the ones to whom DH is still close strongly dislike me and that they wish he'd married someone else.

Dh's view on the various complexities of friends' behaviours tends to be "X is my friend, we share history together, I'll support them because they are my friend from uni". This includes remaining friends with people who've behaved very unpleasantly, broken up others' relationships, in some cases been fired from jobs for dishonesty, etc.

They're not all fraudsters or shysters by any means, but they do tend to rally round and protect the few that are. I find this inexplicable and unpleasant, that they hold their friends to a standard of behaviour that is lower than, say, the standard required for their wife and kids.

One particular case is a distinctly unsavoury manchild who is a very plausible liar. When I first knew DH this guy was wanting DH to commit fraud on his behalf. I put my foot down and said "it's him or me" and DH sheepishly agreed that the behaviour was unacceptable. The fraud didn't happen in the end as the guy managed his immigration woes a different (and legal) way (which involved lots of lies to family and friends instead of lies to the Home Office). But DH has continued to see him (rarely) and correspond with him (frequently), was his best man, etc.

We're visiting this guy's town on Friday. I said we could see the guy at a mutually convenient place that is neutral territory, and that on said neutral territory I would NOT be parenting this guy's kids for him. I said we are not visiting his home and DH is coming back home with us in the evening, not staying out with the friend.

So this morning I find out that we've organized to go to this guy's house and that then DS and I are coming home by ourselves and DH is going out to dinner with the friend. I ask why the arrangement has changed and get told that it hasn't. I ask whether it is necessary for us to go to this guy's house and get told that it is as DH "wants to see some things on his computer". What things? "Just things". Apparently I'm being controlling and unpleasant about DH's lovely dear friend of nearly 30 years (this one went to high school with DH as well as uni), I want to control who DH is allowed to see, I keep changing arrangements, etc.

I don't trust the friend as far as I can sneeze, and I think DH is acting like a sneaky, lying, sulky teenager. I am wondering if DH has invested in the friend's latest ridiculous and probably semi-illegal scheme, or something.

AIBU about the friend group as a whole or the dodgy friend in particular?

YANBU to dislike your husband's friends but YABU trying to dictate or control how and when he sees him, especially as he sees him rarely. Just let your DH go and see his friend, you do something by yourself.

Yep, difficult.

No help to you but I had an ex who, while being a nice guy overall, was part of a group like this. Yes to holding partners to a higher standard than 'da mates.' It was one of the reasons he was dumped I'm afraid. Bottom line is, a better person would have had better mates too. And I have no time for man-children, twats or hypocrites. They were also terminally boring, as all inward-looking 'gangs of mates' are when they get together.

As for this visit, well - 'we' have not organised to go to his house, have 'we'? You don't want to and you said so. So nope, it's not the plan because one-third of the people in the plan aren't up for it. Controlling that ain't. Your DH changing the plan and then telling you - that's the controlling bit!

And investing in his twatfriend's latest scheme? That's another ball game altogether and I'd make it clear that in a marriage, that doesn't happen. Your finances are joint. That's the end of it.

Totally happy to take DS home and be his parent, while DH goes out with dodgy fried. What really worries me here is the feeling that DH has turned into an untrustworthy teenager under this guy's influence.

My sister was a troubled teen who got up to all sorts. I know what sulky lying looks like.

"Apparently I'm being controlling and unpleasant "

That was my first thought too. And second.

" I think DH is acting like a sneaky, lying, sulky teenager."

You didn't give any indication of this.

"AIBU about the friend group as a whole or the dodgy friend in particular?"

Yes and yes.

Yes you do sound controlling.

Its fine to say you and DS wont be going to this persons house, and that you won't be looking after his kids, etc, but its not ok to say your husband can't see him.

I'd be really unhappy if my boyfriend told me I couldn't see one of my friends because he didn't think much of them.

I’m wondering how legal your DHs transactions are. I get the impression he’s probably as bad as the rest of the group.

its not ok to say your husband can't see him.

Wow, good thing that she said exactly the opposite then ain't it chesty ? -

Totally happy to take DS home and be his parent, while DH goes out with dodgy fried

Phew!

I don’t think your controlling - just worried and rightly so.

But your dh is an adult and if he chooses to fuck up it’s all on him

'You can judge a person by the company they keep'

V true.

You sound controlling and hard work.

mymycherrypie I think DH is ok, largely because his work is in a different field and doesn't involve money other than a salary. But today's argument makes me wonder about investment either of time or money from DH that he might be trying to cover up.

This isn't "your friend is ugly/boring, therefore you can't see him", it's "your friend is manchild, a known liar with dodgy tendencies, a chauvinist - and your behaviour is looking dodgy too - THAT is why you can't see him for any length of time in private"

That was an update @FizzyGreenWater that was posted while I wrote my post. Calm down.

Original post says :

I said we are not visiting his home and DH is coming back home with us in the evening, not staying out with the friend.

If op doesn’t trust her husband not to invest their money without telling her then she has bigger problems than one idiot friend.

To clarify - I have not forbidden DH from going out with this guy, I have said I am unhappy about it and that this is because I know the guy is dodgy and I note DH's behaviour changing too, around him. Dh thought that was controlling and told me I had lied about my knowledge of plans - but DH had changed plans (including me and DS in those plans) without asking me.

"That is why you can't see him for any length of time in.private" - sounds pretty controlling to me

I would also add if I had a partner and I disliked many of their friends, to the extent you mention - and not without good reason, I hasten to add - I probably wouldn't have married them. I'd have bailed out of the relationship long before that.

I can't see that it's controlling to worry about your DH having contact with someone who has tried to involve him in fraud - particularly when, first time round, DH didn't recognise what he was in danger of getting into for himself.

You do sound like one of those women who thinks of a partner as a work in progress rather than a person. You dislike all his old friends, so you try to cut him loose from them; you worry that he is 'influenced' by them and can only be saved from their wickedness by you micromanaging his behaviour - it's not surprising he rebels.

This isn't "your friend is ugly/boring, therefore you can't see him", it's "your friend is manchild, a known liar with dodgy tendencies, a chauvinist - and your behaviour is looking dodgy too - THAT is why you can't see him for any length of time in private"

If I was your DH, i'd be going out all night with my friend then. Just to prove a point.

Yanbu. how annoying. But you can't win or you come across as controlling as many pp have said.

Unfortunately your only option is to steer well clear and play the cool wife. Or ltb.

SGB I haven't cut him loose from all his old friends. The reason I know that some of them still see me as an interloper 12 years on is that we spend a lot of time with these people.

Many of them are fine, complex, interesting people. Some are my cup of tea, some aren't. What worries me is the rallying round the few who are REALLY not my cup of tea because they're known liars, cheats and/or fraudsters.

The rallying round that lot has almost all happend since we got married. I might have approached the question of marriage differently had it happened beforehand.

I think you should just let you husband see his friends by himself if you don't like them.

I think YANBU to take care of your family's interests wrt to legal and financial involvement with these friends. However, I think it's deeply unreasonable for you to try to dictate the place of their meeting and when your DH leaves. You're treating your husband like a child, so it's no wonder he's behaving like one.

Christ, what university is this?

YANBU, why would he just go out for dinner without you and dc? If you are away as a family you don't dump your oh and dc to go to dinner with someone else!

Haha Medea: one that turned out lots of people qualified to wreak havoc in the City.