to mistrust DH's attitude to friends, one in particular

[mugOfCoffee]

DH has a group of friends with whom he went to university 20 years ago. They're a bunch of fairly normal adults, varying degrees of complexity, niceness, sense, integrity, etc. They have tended to think of themselves as a large group of very close friends so interlopers like me are usually given a bit of a trial by fire. Twelve years in I still feel that most of the ones to whom DH is still close strongly dislike me and that they wish he'd married someone else.

Dh's view on the various complexities of friends' behaviours tends to be "X is my friend, we share history together, I'll support them because they are my friend from uni". This includes remaining friends with people who've behaved very unpleasantly, broken up others' relationships, in some cases been fired from jobs for dishonesty, etc.

They're not all fraudsters or shysters by any means, but they do tend to rally round and protect the few that are. I find this inexplicable and unpleasant, that they hold their friends to a standard of behaviour that is lower than, say, the standard required for their wife and kids.

One particular case is a distinctly unsavoury manchild who is a very plausible liar. When I first knew DH this guy was wanting DH to commit fraud on his behalf. I put my foot down and said "it's him or me" and DH sheepishly agreed that the behaviour was unacceptable. The fraud didn't happen in the end as the guy managed his immigration woes a different (and legal) way (which involved lots of lies to family and friends instead of lies to the Home Office). But DH has continued to see him (rarely) and correspond with him (frequently), was his best man, etc.

We're visiting this guy's town on Friday. I said we could see the guy at a mutually convenient place that is neutral territory, and that on said neutral territory I would NOT be parenting this guy's kids for him. I said we are not visiting his home and DH is coming back home with us in the evening, not staying out with the friend.

So this morning I find out that we've organized to go to this guy's house and that then DS and I are coming home by ourselves and DH is going out to dinner with the friend. I ask why the arrangement has changed and get told that it hasn't. I ask whether it is necessary for us to go to this guy's house and get told that it is as DH "wants to see some things on his computer". What things? "Just things". Apparently I'm being controlling and unpleasant about DH's lovely dear friend of nearly 30 years (this one went to high school with DH as well as uni), I want to control who DH is allowed to see, I keep changing arrangements, etc.

I don't trust the friend as far as I can sneeze, and I think DH is acting like a sneaky, lying, sulky teenager. I am wondering if DH has invested in the friend's latest ridiculous and probably semi-illegal scheme, or something.

AIBU about the friend group as a whole or the dodgy friend in particular?

Thanks all for the perspective. It is useful to know that people would do things differently here and that I may be coming across as controlling. Also to have it pointed out that DH being naive some of the problem.

Really though, why is it down to you to control or bring your DH into line/ If he loses all sense of resposibility under the influence of others then he's no more than another DC.
I could not live this way. Years and years of it??
Stop trying to police him, let him do what he wants. If he acts like a prize eejit then tell him to go carry on doing so with his friends.

I'm sorry but you really are coming across as incredibly controlling. Could this be why you are still seen as an interloper by most of the group? You're trying to lay down the law like a parent with a wayward teenager, telling your DH where, and for how long, he's allowed to see his friend.

You say you are worried because your DH turns into an 'untrustworthy teenager' under dodgy friend's influence. But it's worth considering whether it's your behaviour, trying to coerce your DH into doing what you want him to do that is causing this reaction.

I don't think OP is being controlling, she's worried about her husband spending time with someone who has no integrity or morals and who will lead her husband in to making very bad choices. What OP is trying to do is protect her marriage and her DC's stability and I think she's very wise to do so!

OP, the problem is with the hold this idiot manchild has over your DH. But if you say this to DH he will become defensive of the friend, which puts you on the outside. If you imply that you're concerned because the idiot friend will lead your DH into making bad choices, possibly dangerous ones then he will feel undermined and disempowered by you. So it seems like you need to find some way of telling him not to turn into a dick when he's with idiot friend in a way that doesn't insult either of them. Men can be such hard work! And at some later date you should try to have a conversation with him about changing the plans and then pretending you had never laid down any boundaries in the first place!

I have skimmed this but I'm not sure if the people who say op sounds controlling have acknowledged that she has been gaslighted by her dh who isn't being honest about plans changing and is being secretive about the things he needs to see on the computer - of someone who tried to persuade her dh to commit fraud!

Op I don't think you are being controlling, I would not be happy if my dh started to lie about visiting a dodgy friend but I am not sure how I would handle it either.

My bfs "mates" are twats. Whenever he's needed help or support nothing at all. Not a phone call or anything. Sick of it.

I would find it very controlling of my spouse told me which friends I could or couldn't see and whether I was "allowed" to visit their homes or not.

So would I under normal circumstances. But I'd be the same as you OP.

I feel for you but don't think it's reasonable to do anything other than decline to spend time, or for your DS to spend time, with this friend or others of his ilk. What you DH does with his friendships is his own affair.

I’m actually judging you so hard I am banging an invisible gavel.

So this friend had ‘immigration woes’. He wasn’t trying to defraud a granny out of her last £20, he was probably frightened he might be deported away from his friends and the life he knew. And he considered doing something a bit dodgy and desperate.

And rather than feeling sympathetic or worrying about him and his awful situation you put on a cats bum face and start tut tutting about the Home Office?

And whatever he did do you’re judging him for that as well because although legal he had to bend the truth a bit.

I’m kind of understanding why his friends don’t like you.

Dancingtothebeat, let me assure you that I would share your view if this were a case such as you describe. Suffice it to say that May's hostile environment wasn't a thing in 2006, this wasn't about immediate deportation, and the guy is a white, middle class, rich, highly educated commonwealth citizen. So if he had been deported it would have been to a ghetto a bit like, um, Richmond.

You talk about your DP as though he is a child?
I'm sure he can decide who he wants to be friends with