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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for some help/advice about drinking husband

51 replies

TotHappy · 05/06/2018 21:48

Long story short, DH is a drinker. We've had a number of showdowns about it. Most recently (only last Friday) after another very difficult period, we had a talk during which I again expressed that I didn't like his relationship with alcohol. I explained the relationship with alcohol that I wanted and thought was appropriate and said that I would like us to have a dry month to 'reset' our expectations. He agreed. I also said that if he finds occasionally drinking/drinking in moderation too hard then I am happy to give up altogther. He said let's try the month and see how we go.
This dry month started on Sunday. Today he text from work that he was unexpectedly going round to a mate after work. Got home an hour ago, he'd been drinking.
He played with our daughter for ten minutes then put her to bed, came downstairs and asked me how my day had gone, I told him and then said 'you've been drinking?'. He just sighed and walked out - clearly in defensive mode and has no explanation.

I think i have to walk away from this relationship - I can't keep living with his drinking and since he's managed 2 days out of the month he clearly has no interest in changing. But i dont know what to do.

He asked me what was wrong a minute ago and I said 'you've been drinking and apparently aren't interested in talking about it. I think I'm going to go to mums in a bit and I'll come back to get dd tomorrow. Maybe you can start thinking about where you want to live.'

I dont want to end my marriage - I want him to change - but I dont see that I have any option. And I'm scared and upset and maybe not thinking straight. If I leave, would I be less likely to be able to retain custody of the house? I'm a sahm (with a very part time job). Should I even leave this evening as dd is now asleep? Even though I'd be back for her tomorrow. I dont think he would, but what if he went batshit crazy and locked me out or took her somewhere?

Am i over reacting? I dont think i am but I know he will try to suggest that I am controlling and over reacting to him just having a few,drinks with friends.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 05/06/2018 21:50

In fairness it doesn't sound like you want the same things. I'm not sure you are totally right and he's totally wrong. Either way if you can't live with him drinking at the levels he does you're right to plan to leave.

wish198131 · 05/06/2018 21:54

How much is he actually drinking?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/06/2018 21:56

How much is too much and what is his behaviour like whilst/after drinking?

Dapplegrey · 05/06/2018 21:58

Tot - he won't change unless he wants to. You cannot make him stop drinking.
Please go to Al Anon - you will find help and support there.

Giraffey1 · 05/06/2018 21:58

How much is he drinking, how often, and how long has this been going on?

toughasnails · 05/06/2018 21:58

Do not leave your home.
Do not leave him on his own with your daughter as you dont trust him
Ask him to leave until he can sort himself out

Maelstrop · 05/06/2018 22:00

Yeah, how much is he drinking? Falling over out of control? Or a couple of pints? Is there history like one of you is a recovering alcoholic? Or your parents were? Why are you deciding that he can’t drink? Do you want zero alcohol?

Abitlost2015 · 05/06/2018 22:01

Why go to your mum’s tonight leaving your daughter?

Graphista · 05/06/2018 22:04

It's less about the amount and more about the fact he only managed 2 days without a drink - he can't cope without alcohol.

A straightforward definition of alcoholism doesn't really exist, but personally I would consider him to be an alcoholic - because he can't live without it, he's prioritising it over his relationship (he knows how you feel and that he's risking you breaking up the marriage), and his child (not providing her with a full time sober father).

You know the 3 c's?

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Only he can do that AND only if he wants to, ultimatums etc from you won't make a difference.

StealthPolarBear · 05/06/2018 22:06

I agree however it sounds like that was th e ops idea and he reluctantly agreed. Which makes him an idiot but not necessarily an alcoholic

HyacinthsBucket70 · 05/06/2018 22:09

Talk to Al-Anon. They totally saved my friends sanity, when she realised that her DH couldn't stop drinking.

And put yourself and your DD first. He is putting alcohol first, and you can't stop him or control him. You can only control your reaction to it.

Original poster
TotHappy · 05/06/2018 22:12

The instinct to go to mums is to a) get away from him so i can calm down and not have the stress of his presence/a possible row and b) to show that I am serious about this and prevent my being talked round/thinking better of it in the morning as we have had this conflict so many times before.

Re levels of drinking - he's always been a heavy drinker, since we met, but so was I - we were students. Over the years my drinking has lessened for all the normal reasons - more responsibilities, worse hangovers, less disposable income, a better appreciation of the health risks, plus parenthood - and his as increased. Creepingly. Over the past 6 months or so he routinely drinks 2-3 bottles of wine, 2-3 times a week (generally one night on, one night off), or 2-3 litres of gin over the week. Sometimes more, sometimes less, that's prob the average.

I deliberately didn't say he's an alcoholic because he just gets angry and defensive and in any case it doesn't matter really - whether he's physically addicted or not ( I'd be astounded if he,wasn't but i dont really know how it works or is diagnosed), his drinking causes problems. He drinks money we dont have, he drink drives (hasn't for the last month but only because we had a huge showdown about that), he drinks anything and everything - cooking brandy, booze that I was given for Christmas, whatever. When drunk he can be laddish, reckless, more aggressive (not physically but much more prone to a row, less reasonable - like normal drunks). He rarely gets falling down drunk but then his capacity must be pretty high.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 05/06/2018 22:14

Yep that's shit loads!

agnurse · 05/06/2018 22:17

That's A LOT of alcohol. His drinking is causing problems for you and him. He IS an alcoholic.

Only about 10% of alcoholics are actually on skid row (i.e. homeless). The other 90% are "functioning alcoholics". There are alcoholics who hold down jobs, provide for their families, etc. Just because he's not falling down drunk doesn't mean he's okay. By your description, the amount he's drinking exceeds the objective measure of heavy drinking (more than 2 drinks a day for a man, or about 10 drinks a week).

I would DEFINITELY recommend that you go to Al-Anon. Unfortunately the only one who can changing his drinking habits is HIM. You can't force him to change. But if he is creating problems for your family, you may need to decide whether you can live with those problems.

Original poster
TotHappy · 05/06/2018 22:25

Exactly - he is causing problems. I dont want to live with him the way he is, and like you said, I cant change him. What are Al-Anon going to tell me apart from that? I hate the idea of going to a room with a bunch of strangers to talk about my personal life tbh.

What do I actually DO? I dont think he'll leave. And I think pp are right, I'm not going to leave my daughter here tonight with him.

OP posts:
overduemamma · 05/06/2018 22:29

I'd maybe start looking for a solicitor and checking your options. X

Original poster
TotHappy · 05/06/2018 22:34

Yep, he's just been in and said he's not going to leave, we'd have to split everything down the middle, sell the house. I think he's wrong.. Isn't he? In the primary carer of a two year old,daughter, almost entirely a SAHM

OP posts:
milliemolliemou · 05/06/2018 22:38

OP Al-Anon don't get you to sit round and discuss things - they're there to advise you on possible courses of action. AA is the one where you have to confess your dependency in public and usually, helpfully, have a sponsor to contact when you feel the need. Talk to Al Anon, talk to a solicitor or CAB and then decide what path to take. Does he have anywhere he could go if you asked him to leave? Good luck.

yousignup · 05/06/2018 22:39

I told my DH to leave 2 months ago because of his drinking. It's awful. It's also not your fault, but you seem to know that. My DH doesn't admit he's an alcoholic either. His perception of what one is, is exactly what the PP above described. Little by little he is turning into a monster when drunk. Your DH will probably do that too.

Graphista · 05/06/2018 22:42

I'm the child of an alcoholic. Not a fan of al-anon myself not had good experiences with them.

But can help some people. My mothers found it useful.

He is drinking a LOT, I'd definitely class him as an alcoholic, but the definition isn't the point.

The point is you've (understandably) had enough of his relationship with alcohol, the way he behaves when he's had a drink (takes a lot for an alcoholic to be 'drunk' but they can certainly behave differently when they've had a drink).

The aggression is worrying, my father was violent when he'd been drinking (but still cruel and aggressive when sober). It tends to worsen this type of behaviour, there's certainly ime (personally and knowing of other alcoholics and abusers) a correlation between heavy drinking and abuse.

I DEFINITELY wouldn't tolerate drink driving and, honestly if he drives most days, given how much he drinks does he ever drive SOBER? Imo you should be reporting him for this. It's not just himself he's endangering. Hope he never drives your dd anywhere.

In your position I'd want him to leave and not even consider a reconciliation until he'd been sober a year.

2 of my fathers siblings are also sober alcoholics BUT they chose to get sober. Different methods but both methods require continued lifelong work at it.

My dad is now a 'dry drunk' but makes out he's a recovering alcoholic. He's no longer drinking not from choice but because he is bedridden, can no longer physically buy it himself and nobody will buy it for him.

There's a difference.

idlikemoresleep · 05/06/2018 22:50

Having been with an alcoholic for just short of 2 years (no longer thank god) I'd say that definitely is alcoholism.
An alcoholic doesn't necessarily have to drink every day, or be physically dependent on the stuff but the fact that he prioritises it over you and your feelings is a big no no.

I tried so hard to make my ex partner stop, he went to AA but every time I went back he'd start up again because he was only ever stopping drinking to get me back... as soon as I was he'd run off back to the pub again. Unless he really wants to change he won't, you need to decide whether you want to continue being second to alcohol or to put yourself first and walk away.

I wouldn't leave him in the house with DD though, pack him a bag when he's out of the house tomorrow and tell him to find alternative accommodation until he decides what's important

Aquamarine1029 · 05/06/2018 22:54

So long as you are not in physical danger, do NOT leave your home without your daughter. If you are in danger, call the police, leave, and take your child with you.

Original poster
TotHappy · 05/06/2018 22:54

He won't go - doesn't really have anywhere to go i suppose. His parents live other end of the country, his friends have no space other than sofas I presume.

I know I will find it very difficult not to crack and talk about this with him, and then we'll agree another compromise which he won't stick to, if he's here with me in the house. Because i love him... When he's sober.

OP posts:
PleasantPain · 05/06/2018 22:55

Seek legal advice asap. But don't tell him.

junebirthdaygirl · 05/06/2018 23:24

Don't discuss drink when he has drink taken as just causes rows and gets nowhere.
As you wont want to leave the house tell him to move to the spare room / your marriage is over and you will be seeing a solictor. He needs to see consequences. Pick one sentence..l am not putting up with this anymore or drink all you want but l won't be around to watch you. Then do not enter a discussion.
Its tough . But action is needed not words as he only hears that like it will all blow over.
Make sure your parents know and his parents and don't try to protect him in any way.
Alanon will give you a place to be supported even if you say nothing you hear other peoples story and that is helpful.
Mind yourself and your little one.

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