AIBU to ask for some help/advice about drinking husband

[TotHappy]

Long story short, DH is a drinker. We've had a number of showdowns about it. Most recently (only last Friday) after another very difficult period, we had a talk during which I again expressed that I didn't like his relationship with alcohol. I explained the relationship with alcohol that I wanted and thought was appropriate and said that I would like us to have a dry month to 'reset' our expectations. He agreed. I also said that if he finds occasionally drinking/drinking in moderation too hard then I am happy to give up altogther. He said let's try the month and see how we go.
This dry month started on Sunday. Today he text from work that he was unexpectedly going round to a mate after work. Got home an hour ago, he'd been drinking.
He played with our daughter for ten minutes then put her to bed, came downstairs and asked me how my day had gone, I told him and then said 'you've been drinking?'. He just sighed and walked out - clearly in defensive mode and has no explanation.

I think i have to walk away from this relationship - I can't keep living with his drinking and since he's managed 2 days out of the month he clearly has no interest in changing. But i dont know what to do.

He asked me what was wrong a minute ago and I said 'you've been drinking and apparently aren't interested in talking about it. I think I'm going to go to mums in a bit and I'll come back to get dd tomorrow. Maybe you can start thinking about where you want to live.'

I dont want to end my marriage - I want him to change - but I dont see that I have any option. And I'm scared and upset and maybe not thinking straight. If I leave, would I be less likely to be able to retain custody of the house? I'm a sahm (with a very part time job). Should I even leave this evening as dd is now asleep? Even though I'd be back for her tomorrow. I dont think he would, but what if he went batshit crazy and locked me out or took her somewhere?

Am i over reacting? I dont think i am but I know he will try to suggest that I am controlling and over reacting to him just having a few,drinks with friends.

OP, you don't have to leave tonight OR talk about it to him tonight. (Don't waste time talking to someone who's drunk.)

Decide for yourself when he's at work, over weeks not hours, and if you can, consult a lawyer, al-anon etc as part of that. Consider some things: will it be easier to separate when DD is older? (Probably not... but there is the issue of supervised/ unsupervised visitation). Do you want DD to hit her teenage years thinking it's ok to drink 2 bottles a night? WHEN he's sober, is he so much better than anyone else in the world not only for you but for D.C. that it compensates? Can you handle his drinking increasing, as it may well? Will you start drinking to keep up or make his drinking easier to ignore? Can you face monitoring his drinking for the rest of your life? Does he acknowledge his drinking is a real problem or only a problem to you?

Yep, he acknowledges it when pushed to talk about it but I don't think he really believes it. As predicted, I am wobbling this morning. I've been living with it this long - why not longer? The idea,of facing him when he comes home is horrible - how should I be? Friendly? Unfriendly but civil? I don't have any answers to how things can go but I would want to get a job and stay in this house. Can he force a sale? Or am I likely to be able to keep it as I've got a young daughter to care for?

He already started last night about 'this isn't my fault, its 50-50, we're just different people', arguing that I have a need to exert control. So he's going to try to spin this as a mutual separation rather than him deciding that drink is more important than us.

It's not your job to help him save face.

Anything other than a hard boundary will enable him to continue to do this to himself.

If you draw a line, it allows him to decide which is more important, because he can't have both.

I think it sounds like you need support to stay strong in this.

It might be al-anon, or counselling, or something that sits better with you but it will help you strengthen your resolve.

Of course he won't want to leave - if he stays he can take advantage of your childcare, house-care etc while he continues on this path. A solicitor could help with this though.

The problem is, it's not in his interests to admit that his drinking may have caused you to split up because then he'd have to take responsibility for it and he is an alcoholic who has no intention of stopping drinking so he'll never take responsibility. So his only option is to try and drag you into the reason for a relationship breakdown. His primary interest in his life is not you or your dd, it's alcohol and in maintaining the status quo which allows him to continue drinking. If you sweep this under the carpet again, it reinforces his rral belief (not when he is pushed to say it) that nothing is wrong with his drinking and you've just overreacted or been 'controlling.' And unfortunately you then also become an enabler of the whole situation. Do you hide alcohol? Set limits? (Your dry month suggestions seems as though you do?) You then become the gatekeeper between him and alcohol and that's so stressful for you and makes him resentful of you. You are trying to keep him from the thing in life he actually has the closest relationship with: alcohol. So in effect there is an element of control, but it's desperation from you to try and improve the situation. It's a horrible, horrible way to live and your love for him will slowly shrivel up and die over the ensuing years (Your respect for him is probably already mostly gone, right?) Stay firm on the split. I'm not up on the legal side but I'm fairly sure you would be entitled to stay in the family home with your dd as the primary caregiver.

Get legal advice, because information is power. If you know what you can do, or will have to do, to end the relationship, then you are going to be immune to emotional blackmail or empty threats from him - you don't have to act on the advice unless/until you are ready.

But policing his drinking will not work. It never does.

@EarlessToothlessVagabond you're right. You're so right. That is how we are and I hate it. I dont want to have to say that I've lost respect for him but that is the truth. But i feel so grief stricken about all our plans, hopes and dreams, the future I thought I had. How horrible to have to tear down before you can build back up. It feels as though it would be easier if he'd died.

I'm so sorry OP You can't control his drinking. You can only control your response.
It sounds like he's always been a bit like this and you've outgrown that pattern of drinking.

@Wolfiefan yes, exactly. Which makes me feel guilty that I'm the one who changed the goal posts - but then we were always upfront about how those goal posts would have to change once we had kids. I thought he would stop, like I knew I would, because I thought it was a choice, not his driving force. Silly me.

Not at all. Many people drink pretty heavily as students or young people. It's not a problem for them all. They grow up and stop or reduce their consumption. How were you to know that he was dependant and not just having a great time? That's not on you.

Can you get the locks changed when he’s at work.

Not if it's his house too!

Hi op. I think you're right in that if you split, as primary carer of your DD he can't force a sale. You'd be able to stay there until she's 18 (or possibly longer if she goes on to do HE). If I'm talking shite I'm sure someone will put me right, but that was the advice I was given 2 years ago at a consultation with a solicitor when I left my husband. (I ended up buying him out of the property so didn't pursue this other avenue).

I'm sorry you're going through this. If I were you I'd make an appointment with a solicitor to discuss the house and financial side, then discuss it with him when you've all the facts. As you say, it's been going on so long now, so as long as you're not in any immediate danger from him, and it sounds like you're not, maybe put off the big talk until you've had that legal advice. Best of luck.

Yeah... I have no/very little money for a solicitor. I've read on here before about the 'free half hour' but I have honestly o idea of fees after that (if it's offered). Any ideas of a ball park figure for a consultation to discuss my probable rights financially /custody? Just an initial meeting to gather the facts?

You can definitely get free consultations with some solicitors - that's what I had, and where I was given that info about your right to stay in the family home with your child. My appointment lasted nearly an hour. Have a look and see what firms local to you offer - and they'll also be able to advise about fees.

OP, I've been where you are. EXH was (and probably still is) a high-functioning alcoholic. I would try to negotiate deals with him about drinking, and then of course he would do it in secret. He eventually had to leave a job before he was pushed, and then in his next job it was soon noticed, but he was working as a consultant by then and not as an employee.

He put me off drinking so much that I barely touched a drop for the last year I was with him. If I had a drink then I was "preaching", so the easiest way round it was to give up, although to be fair I haven't drunk much for years.

My main point though, is that when they are like this, they don't change. They either expect people to enable them, or they will shit their ears. So sorry that you love him when he is sober, but over time that will be less and less often, and you will just resent him.

Any of you who've been in this position and left - what about the kids? I cant deny access can I - and don't want to. But... If the drinking escalates? How can he be responsible for her?

Thank you, so much, for all the kind words.

I'm a bit further down the line. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He started at aa 7 years ago but has never really dealt with it completely. I found was taking tablets etc to compensate. 2 years ago he had perforated ulcer caused by codine. He also suffers from depression. That was diagnosed long after the drinking problems started.

He moved out 1 week ago. This was after a couple of episodes of having a drink and me finding he was still taking tablets.

The final straw was him having a drink in sole charge of kids.

It's been a crappy few years - often I just wished he would disappear. I was close to asking him to leave before but had same excuses - he would have no where to go. He would spiral and lose his job etc etc. I felt responsible.

We had been nearly at this point a few times but I would never act that day and then it would seem easier to brush it under the carpet and just carry on.

He will only sort the drinking when he acknowledges it is an issue and it will always come first - there will always be a 'Reason' to have a Drink.

Even if he was clean for 12 months I don't think I could ever trust him again and I don't want to live the next 30 years like that.

I will deny access if he drinks and I told him that. He had a drink Monday and I would not let him pick them up from school today as I did not know how he would be. It's hard I am having to assume no support rather than plan for him to do stuff and then be let down because he has had a drink.

I was with an alcohol dependent partner for 3 years. Terrible. 8 pints of Strongbow without fail every night. More at the weekends and secretly having a ‘livener’ if he could get his hands on it. Gin, red wine, anything going. He was even swigging from a bottle of cider that was for ‘show’ on a shelf and topping it up with water so I wouldn’t know!

He knew he had a problem and was ashamed of it but carried on drinking. I approached AA myself and was told that he had to want to give it up himself otherwise help would be fruitless. He was a real Jekyll and Hyde on it. I gave up with him in the end.
I agree with other posters, try and seek help if you can. I got out of the relationship because it was affecting myself and my daughter. Best thing I ever did.

Had a call back from local solicitor this morning - initial consultation £120, dealing with children and finance matters £215 p/h. Haha. No. How do people find money for divorce?

We're at a sort of stand off at the moment, no discussion whatever since Tuesday, just civility in front of daughter then separate rooms. I've been sleeping in the spare room which is bloody knackering for my back actually but don't quite see how to get him to go in there! Don't quite see what my next move can be.

Ok, just typed a huge update and lost it - short story:

A) brief chat yesterday where he said he didn't want dd to grow up with separated parents and I said I'm not prepared to come second to alcohol anymore, which his actions suggest I do. Also I don't like who he is,when drunk and,don't want to live with him.

Then he seems to have tried a bit of lovebombing, super helpful in house,and with dd, bought me my favourite pic n mix with a post it hidden inside 'I miss you' leading on to

B) today another brief conversation, which he opened by saying he would prove I didn't come second to alcohol. I said I'm not the person I want to be when I cant trust him and tried to spell out that he was giving the message on Tuesday that 'doing what I want is more important than keeping an agreement with my wife.' I also said again that I don't like who he is,when he's drinking and I don't want to be around him.

He got very defensive as soon as,I mentioned trust - he always seems to see this as a massive overreaction as if he's thinking 'its just a drink with a mate and you're making it a massive relationship ending deal?' I would have liked to say more about the way I cant trust him because he treats all arrangements/ agreements as optional, and also more about what the consequences of his drinking have been for me, but he was itching to get away. The upshot was him saying let's do the rest of the month (i.e. Dry), which he kept repeating.

I feel very uneasy about him shutting me down - of course no one likes hearing criticism about themselves but I felt I deserved a hearing.

Anyway. I made no promises other than agreeing to spend tomorrow with him and dd. I did not say I would try or I would work on things. I can't afford to see a solicitor atm anyway so not really losing any time. I can still be gathering info etc. But I am not very confident that I will see any sustained change in him, even though I desperately hope I do.

Have I been played?

Honestly, I would like to say you haven't but you have and I think you know that.

there are solicitors out there who give an hours free legal advice. you need to do a good trawl on the internet to find them or ring your local Citizens advice or womens advice group.

He knows full well that this isn't about addiction, its about trust. this is why he doesn't want to talk about it because then he would have to stare into the face of some pretty unpleasant truths about himself.

its a mercy he hasn't killed anyone drink driving.

He is going to try to turn this into being your fault. it will be along the lines of "well I was going to stop but then you said xxx and I thought no why should I "

he honestly has to admit his addiction first and that it is a problem before he moves on. he wont actually do this and mean it until he hits rock bottom and I suspect he isn't there yet.

without sounding harsh, I think you need to take your rose tinted off. the man you are in love with isn't the man that's in front of you. its a sort of sanitised softer version of him. you cant turn the clock back. He is going to mess up his own life and job, your life and your childrens because he loves alcohol way way more than he loves you or his family.

my worry now is that he will start drinking in secret which makes it tricky for you to know what state he is in.

I would say him getting some counselling and/or seeing a doctor and/or joining AA has to be in the mix somewhere.

in some ways I think it is BU to expect an alcoholic just to stop, they cant. Not on their own and not without help.

in the meantime, stop wasting your energy on what he is potentially doing and spend time getting your own ducks in a row starting with some proper legal advice. good luck OP its a long road ahead,

Well this is what they do, they play their cards right for a bit and then the drinking starts/increases again.

Obviously there are people that are exceptions to this and manage to quit for good but he doesn’t sound like he is in that zone. He is still defensive from the sounds of it and trying to gloss it all over now.

It’s a tough situation but you also have your DD to consider aswell as yourself. Is his drinking affecting her in anyway?

How are you getting on @TotHappy?