Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

....in changing an informal agreement?

32 replies

Anxious2772 · 05/06/2018 21:35

My ex and I have had an informal arrangement over our child for some time, recently I've had to seek advice from a solicitor as the divorce process has started and the solicitor advised that the current child arrangements are disruptive and should be reconsidered.

As such I told my ex that rather than pick the child up at 7pm on a Friday as per previous arrangements he could pick up after swimming on Saturday morning because picking her up that late (she is 5) isn't acceptable really.

Today he threatend that if I don't agree to maintain the original (informal) agreement that his solicitor will file for an interim child arrangement order on an urgent basis on Thursday which will enforce the original (informal) arrangement.

Can he really do this? Everything I read says urgent is for welfare or abduction issues only and any CAO must legally be preceeded by mediation (MAIM)

Any advise welcome. (apologies I have posted this on a couple of the pages just desperately looking for any response)

Thanks!!

OP posts:

Fruitcorner123 · 05/06/2018 21:37

I don't know if he can do this sorry. The thing is unless your ex is travelling a long payback with your child I think YABU to take a whole night off him like that. 7pm is not that late.

maskingtape · 05/06/2018 21:39

What's wrong with 7pm? It's not a school night. If you're dead against it, can't he pick up a little earlier so she doesn't miss a night with her dad.

Ruffian · 05/06/2018 21:40

I know you're asking for advice rather than opinions but I don't think 7pm is too late for pickup on a Friday. Why does the solicitor think they are disruptive?

Rachie1973 · 05/06/2018 21:42

Why? Does he take her to swimming on Saturday?

LegallyBrunet · 05/06/2018 21:43

Unless your ex lives a significant distance away from you, 7pm is not late to be picking up a 5 year old on- especially on a Friday- and it’s not fair he loses an entire night with his child.

Original poster

Anxious2772 · 05/06/2018 21:43

He works in London so can't pick up earlier and sometimes isn't there until 7.30 which is her bedtime, she is out cold within 5 minutes of going to bed as is always exhausted. Equally she is up early on Saturdays as she has multiple lessons in the morning. ultimately he is missing approx 2 waking hours with her and based on the fact he has her nearly 50% of the time I don't think it is unreasonable to cut back 2 hours. If he ONLY had her at the weekend I would understand.

OP posts:

cowfacemonkey · 05/06/2018 21:44

I think 7pm is fine on a Friday and if you were OK with it before then I wouldn't change it now. Being skeptical it sounds like the solicitor is finding ways to prod the bear meaning expense for you and profit for them.

Flowerpotbicycle · 05/06/2018 21:44

Even if she falls asleep in the car on the way back with him she’s going to wake up settled and happy in her dad’s house so YABU.
Weekend mornings with your kids jumping into bed with you for cuddles are without a doubt my favourite part of parenting, let him have that on his weekends.
7pm is not that late and she can sleep in the next morning anyway

JazzyBlues · 05/06/2018 21:45

I think you're being a CF tbqh. You sound pretty vindictive and petty in wanting to take away your DD's time with her dad. 7pm is not late at all and a court would not accept this.

It may also count against you in future, as your exH could use it as an example of your manipulative and unreasoanble behaviour.

Rachie1973 · 05/06/2018 21:45

Can he really do this? Everything I read says urgent is for welfare or abduction issues only and any CAO must legally be preceeded by mediation (MAIM)

Few well placed lines, and mediation can be skipped over quite easily, I helped a friend recently who's partner had just taken the little one, then told the police he suspected his ex would kidnap the child as she'd made verbal threats that his mother had witnessed (she hadn't btw) . The order was immediately put in place pending an investigation. It resulted in Cafcass & the courts deciding for them. No mediation at all.

MissVanjie · 05/06/2018 21:45

7’s not massively late on a Friday

She could go in her jamas, skipping bath won’t hurt especially if she goes swimming the next morning

Rachie1973 · 05/06/2018 21:46

I don't think it is unreasonable

why ask on AIBU then?

Flowerpotbicycle · 05/06/2018 21:46

Also if your child is that exhausted by doing swimming after school then she’s also going multiple lessons on a Saturday morning then maybe drop some of the lessons... it sounds a bit much for a 5 year old tbh

MissVanjie · 05/06/2018 21:46

From your update though yanbu, they are worn out at the end of the week at this age

Fruitcorner123 · 05/06/2018 21:50

ultimately he is missing approx 2 waking hours with her

It doesn't work like that though and you know this surely. If he picks her up on Saturday he will have to pay more maintenance and it will be counted as him having 1/7 less time because they count using nights.

It's not clear where her classes are though,-or why a 5 year old has multiple classes on a saturday morning that are more important than seeing her dad does he have to drive her back to your area in the morning? Him being in London doesn't tell us anything because we don't know where you are!!

Ruffian · 05/06/2018 21:50

I don't think it is unreasonable to cut back 2 hours

On the other hand, for the sake of 2 hours, he has been made very upset at an important time in your divorce proceedings.

Fruitcorner123 · 05/06/2018 21:51

fail on deleting

wobblebot · 05/06/2018 21:56

I can't ever understand this.
Dads that want a better relationship and to spend more time with their children are constantly fought by the mums trying to take time away.
Can't you just be happy and grateful that he gives a shit?
So many children's dads are always looking for a way out of their parental responsibilities, at least he cares enough to fight for his tone with his DD.
7 is not too late, it's just a crappy excuse to remain in control.

InfiniteCurve · 05/06/2018 21:56

Multiple lessons ,on a Saturday,at 5? When she is normally out like a light at bedtime as she is always exhausted?
That seems more disruptive than a ( slightly) late night going to her Dad's on Friday evening,tbh.

PlaymobilPirate · 05/06/2018 21:59

If me and dp ever split I'd hate to share overnights but I would because I know that one of the best bits of having a child are the sleepy bedtime cuddles, the snuggly wake up when they dive into your bed on a morning etc. I'd hate for my so not to have that too

I'm guessing your ex doesn't want to miss that bit either

TrippingTheVelvet · 05/06/2018 22:29

YABU

Wallywobbles · 06/06/2018 03:53

Thé judge in my divorce imposed a 7pm pick up and drop off when my kids were 2&3. I think your solicitor has advised you badly. Conflict is in his interest not yours.

Skittlesandbeer · 06/06/2018 04:50

There are two things that seem unreasonable to me, in your post.

Firstly, since when does a solicitor decide that an arrangement is ‘disruptive’? It sounds more likely that you find it so, and you want outside justification for changing the rules.

Secondly, even if an arrangement needs another look because it has shortcomings it is unreasonable to just spring a change on the other parent, as a fait accompli, with under a week’s notice. What did you think would happen? You poked your ex where it hurts, he lashed out in return.

It’s time you had a hard look at yourself, and got to the bottom of your true feelings about the divorce going through. It’s fair enough that you feel hurt and scared, but unecssarily thrusting your kid into the middle by changing the arrangements on a whim is a really BAD parenting call.

FernieB · 06/06/2018 06:06

Agree with previous poster re the solicitor. From your post it sounds as though you were fine with your existing arrangement until your solicitor told you not to be! A messy divorce means more hours and more money for a solicitor (maybe I'm just being cynical).

Also how would you plan on telling your child about this? "Daddy can't pick you up on Friday anymore and won't be taking you to swimming" (makes it seem like it's his choice) or the more honest "I won't let Daddy ....,,, etc".

FrancisCrawford · 06/06/2018 06:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread