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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What assumptions would you make? (Disability)

48 replies

Gluejam · 05/06/2018 18:06

This is quite outing but anyway: one of our friendship group has triplets. They were quite prem and two have special needs - mild autism/hypermobile type, both have statements, but they’re all at the same school so not severe enough for special School iyswim. Their mum is a bit dramatic by her own admission, but one of the group has recently had a spat with her, saying that the kids are not properly disabled, she’s seeing everything negatively, we’ve all got troubles etc. It’s caused a rift, and I’m wondering how (if?) it can be smoothed over? I personally have always thought she’s amazing how she copes, but apparently we haven’t all made the same assumptions.
Is the other friend being harsh or AIBU?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 05/06/2018 18:07

Other friend is being an idiot

French2019 · 05/06/2018 18:09

The other friend is being an idiot. And not a friend at all tbh.

TheOriginalEmu · 05/06/2018 18:09

Wtf? Friend is an idiot, If she had any idea how hard it was to get a echp she’d wind her neck in.

imip · 05/06/2018 18:11

I have two autistic children, they are in mainstream school. They are disabled and that’s why we get DLA. I find it very difficult to manage their SSD, particularly my older child who self harms.

The other friend is wrong and an oaf!

Dissmic · 05/06/2018 18:11

The other friend is being a twat and frankly I'd be looking at removing her from the friendship circle.

Also, there is NO such thing as 'mild autism'.

shakeyourcaboose · 05/06/2018 18:12

I'd likely be a tad dramatic with triplets! It's hard enough with one! Why does it matter to this lovely other 'friend' who clearly has no idea that they don't hand out ECHPs easily...

SmackFox · 05/06/2018 18:13

Well other friend could admit she was wrong and apologise for being an offensive twit for a start. That might go some way to smoothing it over.

SoddingUnicorns · 05/06/2018 18:14

Dramatic? Maybe she’s fed up of attitudes like the one her so called friend piped up with. Being in mainstream doesn’t mean they’re not disabled btw, it means there weren’t school places in a specialist school or that they can manage in mainstream with support.

I think your other friend owes her an apology, and tbh if you label her dramatic she could probably do without both of you.

MyDcAreMarvel · 05/06/2018 18:14

Mild autism? Is that a new condition? Is the “ friend” you op?

Original poster
Gluejam · 05/06/2018 18:15

Indeed. Oh it’s all horrible. Triplet mum is upset, and other friend thinks she needs to toughen up and is being pathetic. One of her kids has a kidney disorder which is now under control but as a result, she feels she knows what it’s like to have a child with additional needs, because for a while she did.

I feel like I’m caught in the middle.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 05/06/2018 18:15

hypermobility can cause pain. it can make you more tired, there can be bladder or bowel issues, it can effect ones ability to walk far. there can be effects on the heart and vascular system, eyesight, and any other part of the body that is held together with connective tissue. people tend to be effected in different ways.

hypermobility association

SoddingUnicorns · 05/06/2018 18:16

Oh and there’s no such thing as “mild” autism. There are degrees of severity, but nothing “mild” about it.

You could meet me and not have a clue I’m autistic, because I’d be masking like a pro. You also wouldn’t see me physically and mentally exhausted at home from a day of peopling. My children are autistic, they present in different ways, but again, people don’t see the meltdowns and the distress when they’re finished masking and are in their safe place (home). 2 out of our 3 are headed for mainstream, all that means is that they’ve been deemed able to cope, not that they’re not autistic.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 05/06/2018 18:17

Other friend is a fuckwit

Freshprincess · 05/06/2018 18:17

Triplet mum is amazing. Having had prem twin I know it's very very hard to let go of the anxiety around their health, you never forget that teeny tiny baby in the incubator even when they're perfectly fit and healthy.

Friend, on the other hand, is a twat.

SoddingUnicorns · 05/06/2018 18:17

Triplet mum is upset, and other friend thinks she needs to toughen up and is being pathetic. One of her kids has a kidney disorder which is now under control but as a result, she feels she knows what it’s like to have a child with additional needs, because for a while she did

Other friend is no friend, she’s awful. And a really shitty person.

AnnieOH1 · 05/06/2018 18:17

If the other friend has 3 sets of triplets all of whom have severe physical and mental difficulties then maybe she would have a point, but as I'm guessing she probably doesn't then she is massively in the wrong. Even if she feels justified in her private beliefs about the situation, they should still remain private imho.

Original poster
Gluejam · 05/06/2018 18:17

With hindsight there has always been a bit of friction between them, frenemies almost but it’s all coming to a head. Other friend is insisting we all get together as before, but triplet mum won’t come (and isn’t asked) so I see her by herself.

OP posts:
MonumentVal · 05/06/2018 18:17

Anyone who says "not properly disabled" is a twat. There's no proper way of being disabled and with conditions like hypermobility or autism the environment makes a huge difference.

MrsJayy · 05/06/2018 18:18

Your friend is a cruel person what even is properly disabled this poor woman had 3 prem babies all at once 2 of these kids have difficulties and instea of supportive friends she gets a total cowbag talking to her like shit and you obviously are agreeing with her.

SluttyButty · 05/06/2018 18:19

Other friend is a twat. Hypermobility can cause pain and is relatively common with autism.

Why oh why do people not recognise invisible disabilities? They think you need to be bed bound or permenantly in a wheelchair...

Original poster
Gluejam · 05/06/2018 18:19

No I don’t agree with her, and I’m still friendly with triplet mum.

OP posts:
spader1987 · 05/06/2018 18:21

So called friend is an idiot!

BlackeyedSusan · 05/06/2018 18:21

god I hate the attitude of "we had this problem" (for a short while now recovered, shorter period, fewer children, less severe, as part of a couple with lots of family support verses lone parent... or other unequal comparison) "and I coped..." (with support, probably without the same condition which is often hereditary)

fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when you get there fuck off some more

MrsJayy · 05/06/2018 18:21

Did you tell her she was out of order and unkind ?

SoddingUnicorns · 05/06/2018 18:21

If you don’t agree with her, have you pulled her up for being so nasty to triplet mum? Or disparaging behind her back? I would if it were in my friendship group.