What assumptions would you make? (Disability)

[Gluejam]

This is quite outing but anyway: one of our friendship group has triplets. They were quite prem and two have special needs - mild autism/hypermobile type, both have statements, but they’re all at the same school so not severe enough for special School iyswim. Their mum is a bit dramatic by her own admission, but one of the group has recently had a spat with her, saying that the kids are not properly disabled, she’s seeing everything negatively, we’ve all got troubles etc. It’s caused a rift, and I’m wondering how (if?) it can be smoothed over? I personally have always thought she’s amazing how she copes, but apparently we haven’t all made the same assumptions.
Is the other friend being harsh or AIBU?

Oh and I take my hat off to your friend. I have autoimmune diseases and an ASD child. To look after three and two with SN makes her a superwoman in my book.

Other ‘friend’ is a cunt. If she’ll say that openly to the mother of disabled children, she’s saying worst about the rest of you in private.

Your other friend is a TWAT! Hats off to triplet mum. It must be difficult with three children, add on top disabilities, and it must be very difficult.

The other friend is being more than harsh, wow! At the end of the day, the friend sees a snippet of the mum’s day to day life, it is incredibly hard having a disabled child. It’s even harder when you have idiots like that making hurtful, uncalled for comments.

My dd has autism and I always get “but she doesn’t look autistic” “eh but she’s really cute” (hate that one!). Dd is a beautiful child but only my close friends who we see often and the couple I have sat and cried to know the ins and outs of her condition. Others don’t know about her liking the rain but hating getting wet, eating off her plate by putting her mouth down to it like a dog so she doesn’t have to touch things, me literally wrestling with her to stop her running out into the road or the numerous locks we have inside our house to stop her getting into the bathroom or kitchen unsupervised because she floods the place or plays with scissors and all the hundreds of other things that our life involves because of autism.

Unless you live it you don’t understand it. The triplet Mum needs an apology and some understanding and support, and to have triplets and two with autism, jeez, she’s superwoman!

Yes we’ve talked about it and she is sympathetic to a point of course, but has “had enough hearing about it.”

I don’t know why I didn’t see this before but other friend is judgemental about a lot of things. Another of the group fell out with her a few years ago, and oddly, triplet mum took other friend’s side so she effectively cut off from her too. Then other friend got back in touch with this woman and they are the best of mates again. Triplet mum feels that she’s been frozen out.

Nobody should ever make assumptions about illnesses which seem hidden. I am amazed at someone managing with triplets, never mind the extra work of dealing with these disabilities. Until we are in someone else shoes, we do not know anything about them, we do not even know if they are coping. I recently took a friend out for dinner, she has an older child with autism. It was a rare treat and she did not stay out for long because she thinks her son cannot cope for too long alone. I do not live with him, so am not going to judge his level of autism and what he cannot do, she knows her son better than me. Her life has been like that for 18 years and nobody has any idea about how tough that is. You can only be supportive of the friend with triplets, it is up to the other friend to sort her shit out and make ammends.

I have a child with hypermobility it's hard work . He cannot stand on 1 leg without dislocating his knee or hip. He recently had whiplash from us putting on a jumper! His fingers dislocate when he uses his hands to push himself up from sitting to standing.
He looks like any other child , but when I'm helping him onto swings and slides people look at me like ' he should be able to do that himself ' he can't.
Also getting a child statemented is not easy . They have to go through so many assessments by different doctor's and educational psychologists etc
So yes not every disability is viable and your friend is being a dick.

Triplets are like nothing a singleton parent can understand (I have twins and I can only imagine what an additional dc throws in) so add to that any additional needs and it's very challenging. Triplet Mum has got through baby and toddler stage to primary school and deserves a medal. Other "friend" is an unhelpful dick.

Why are you friends with other friend if she’s so spiteful and horrible? “Had enough of hearing about it?” Maybe triplet mum has had enough of being belittled and disparaged by someone who is supposed to be her friend!

Friend is an idiot.

I have two children with autism and if someone said that to me or one of my friends I’d cut them out.

She has no idea what it’s like to cope with one disability let alone two.

She a fuckwit. Your friend should drop her like a sack of poo.

When other parent as triplets with debilitating medical conditions, she can comment. Until then, she should stfu.

I get accused of similar by family members for my kids. Yes I know it is worse for others and at least my kids aren't terminally ill but before anyone passes judgement I'd suggest they walk a day in the shoes of an autism parent. Many children 'mask' in public or at school and they save the meltdowns for at home where they know they are safe.

It is sad and isolating when you can't offload on family members and friends. Sadly this is when she will find out who her true friends are and many simply are not interested .

And friend says triplet mum is dramatic do grown women really freeze each other out it is all a bit high school isn't it

Wow, I've met her sort - they're pretty stupid and beyond redemption ime

Do you think there’s anything that can be done? I don’t think she will apologise. She is a lovely person but very sure of herself if you know what I mean.

Not ‘properly disabled’? What on earth is that supposed to mean? Does your friend think statements are handed out to all and sundry? I don’t think you’re going to be able to educate your friend, unless she’d like to spend 24 hours in the company of TripletMum...

Just having triplets is quite a feat of everyday living. The struggles may be invisible to the "friend" but they're real nevertheless. Unkind.

I can't see that there is anything to be done is there? I mean Other Mum is clearly pretty ignorant and judgmental and feels quite free to air her opinions. Why would or should Triplet Mum even want to try to fix this? It's not a silly disagreement, it's a criticism of her children and of her as a parent and that cuts deep. I really don't think there's any coming back from that and in Triplet mums shoes I'd be thinking why the fuck would I want to "smooth things over?"

Tbh if I were you I'd be careful not to try playing peacemaker as it could very easily look like minimizing to Triplet mum.

Do you think there’s anything that can be done?

If she won’t listen, I don’t think so.

I don’t think she will apologise

Then she’s a very selfish, arrogant person.

She is a lovely person no, she isn’t. She’s deliberately and purposely being horrid to someone who needs support not fucking snide comments and nastiness.

but very sure of herself if you know what I mean

I tend to find sure of themselves people are often the ones who know the square root of fuck all about the thing they’re so sure about.

Have you spoken to triplet mum? How is she?

I think I'd be putting it to butch mum that triplets mums life is bloody tough and she needs to back off. BTW she's not lovely for belittling a mum of kids with special needs

Butch = bitch

And usually sen parents are on their knees metaphorically speaking.

Imagine worrying what people are saying about u and your kids at school. The whispers of other parents when yours don't behave as expected. The socially limiting side as many places can't take sen kids