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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset with DH?

41 replies

Snappymcsnappy · 05/06/2018 16:08

I was walking to the shops today when I was repeatedly whistled by a strange man.

I didn't acknowledge it was meant for me at first, only when I turned around, curious as to where the whistling was coming from did I see a man I've never met before walking towards me.

I asked him if he was whistling for me which he said he was and asked if he was okay.
It was hard to understand his accent so I had to ask a few times but he kept repeating that he liked me.

I thanked him and carried on with my walk.

Rational part of me says I am overreacting hut I am actually quite upset!
I found it intimidating and threatening.
It's quite a predatory thing to do, IMO.
Who whistles someone from across the road then goes over to tell them how much they like them?

My DH was not bothered in the slightest!!!
Not concerned for my safety, not jealous, nothing!
I'm really bothered.
He would be bothered right???

OP posts:
Original poster
Snappymcsnappy · 05/06/2018 16:09

He should be bothered I mean??

OP posts:
MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 05/06/2018 16:10

I don't know that he should be jealous but I think he should be sympathetic or annoyed on your behalf. Men whistling at women in the streets is horrible and it's totally understandable that you were upset by it. Your DH should be able to empathise with that!

Thesearmsofmine · 05/06/2018 16:12

My husband wouldn’t be bothered. I’ve had random men stop me before to tell me how beautiful my eyes are or whatever and he hasn’t been bothered by it.
What would you like your DH to say or do?

AmazingPostVoices · 05/06/2018 16:14

My DH wouldn’t be jealous, O think that would be an odd reaction tbh.

He’d be concerned if I was upset though. It sounds like you dealt with it although in future I’d advise you to ignore rather than engage.

Thesearmsofmine · 05/06/2018 16:14

I do agree that men whistling etc in the street is horrible btw.!

BlueJava · 05/06/2018 16:15

I can really relate to the first part of your post OP! I went for a coffee recently by myself (house was being viewed!) and this guy stood way too close in the queue, he then wanted to pay for my coffee (I had never seen him before) and then wanted to sit at my table when there were loads of others free. Each time I was polite and said no, he then said "with posh women like you it takes a while to talk you round you're all up yourselves but like it dirty really". I replied "Go fuck yourself and move away otherwise you'll be wearing my coffee on your filthy fucking t shirt you stinking moron" (this was actually factually correct - he did smell!). He did move away eventually. But I was slightly worried he was going to follow me out when I'd finished.

As for your OH, I think men just think differently - he won't understand you felt threatened and intimidated. He probably just thinks you met someone a bit weird and doesn't understand. This isn't true - the guy was intimidating and I totally know what you felt, but he doesn't get it. Hope that helps!

KirstenRaymonde · 05/06/2018 16:16

He isn’t bothered because he hasn’t spent his entire life dealing with this shit and having to negotiate through these interactions and the fear attached to them, so won’t understand why it feels threatening. To him it won’t be, if anything it’s flattering to him, because he doesn’t have the context in his life of the fear created by unwanted advances, because he’s a man. I’ve had to really explain it to my DP before, he does get it now, but it took a while.

This saying resonates - men fear women will reject them, women fear men will kill them. Men just don’t get it.

Sirzy · 05/06/2018 16:17

If it was that intimidating and threatening why keep trying to engage with him rather than just walking on and ignoring?

I think you are over reacting to expect your husband to have a dramatic reaction

senioritabonita · 05/06/2018 16:17

I don't understand - why did you thank him? Why would your husband be jealous of someone you don't know or like?
If you are harassed by a man it is better to tell them once clearly that you want to be left alone and do not speak to them again.

If he was not from the UK it may be a cultural difference. I grew up in the Caribbean and got used to be whistled at from alley ways and windows constantly......

GibbertyFlibbert · 05/06/2018 16:19

I don't know whether he should be upset but in your place I too would be miffed if he wasn't, if that makes sense.

I don't think a man really understands how threatening it feels

Bea1985 · 05/06/2018 16:19

TBH my hubbie would probably laugh and say "what a freak". (Assuming i was fine and hadn't been hurt or touched or anything).

1wokeuplikethis · 05/06/2018 16:20

My husband would be very bothered if that happened to me. As to whether he would say anything, firstly it depends on how big the bloke is and if the kids were with us and secondly more likely I would tell him to forget about it.

Pretty brazen of the fella to chat you up in front of your husband. Was your husband right next to you? Were you holding hands or anything?
Bizarre.

BlueGenes · 05/06/2018 16:21

I’m assuming your husband wasn’t with you? I agree that wolf whistling is horrible but I really wouldn’t class it as threatening behaviour (although I get that it can feel like that).

Preparefortroublemakeitdouble · 05/06/2018 16:21

I had a workman flash me the other day. And all my husband did was laugh and said "i had my hob cleaned and a show". I was upset by his reaction but I was more upset that a man showed me his penis when I was home alone. So I am not sure what a normal reaction would be

DeadGood · 05/06/2018 16:21

I find your reaction to the man slightly odd - have you never been whistled at before, or were you trying to make a point?
I also would not be thanking someone who whistled at me.

AmazingPostVoices · 05/06/2018 16:31

I had a workman flash me the other day. And all my husband did was laugh and said "i had my hob cleaned and a show". I was upset by his reaction but I was more upset that a man showed me his penis when I was home alone.

I assume you called the police Prepared? Your DH’s reaction to that is odd.

Original poster
Snappymcsnappy · 05/06/2018 16:34

I suppose I expected my DH to be concerned that someone would do that, acknowledge that it was inappropriate etc.

To answer some of the less sympathetic responses.

I didn't realise the whistling was directed at me at first.
I heard it, wondered where it was coming from so turned and looked(as most people would?)
When he came towards me I assumed he had something important to ask me, I wasn't expecting to be basically propositioned!

I didn't thank him for whistling me Hmm
He kept repeatedly saying I like you so I said thank you and got the hell out of there..
I said thank you because I was frightened of him getting aggressive if I told him to piss off or whatever.

OP posts:
MustShowDH · 05/06/2018 16:35

OMG Prepare! Did you call the police?

I hope you're okay. You shouldn't have to put up with this anywhere, but in your own home is unforgiveable!

Hogtini · 05/06/2018 16:35

Why did you engage with this person and question whether the whistling was for you? Why did you thank him if you found it 'intimidating and threatening'?! Confused. I'd have just ignored and carried on/looked at my phone etc.

I have to say DP would laugh at this like pp have said assuming I wasn't harmed.

What did you want from this? Him to get angry, seek out the man and and mark his territory? Bit confused.

Original poster
Snappymcsnappy · 05/06/2018 16:36

And no my husband was not there.

And it wasn't wolf whistling, I have had that and ignored it/carried on walking.
This was separate loud whistles, I thought it was odd which is why I looked to see where it was coming from.

OP posts:
Charolais · 05/06/2018 16:38

You mentioned he had an accent, well maybe that is acceptable behavior from where he is from. I think it’s called cultural enrichment.

missbattenburg · 05/06/2018 16:38

I think it can be very hard for (some) men to understand how whistling can feel so threatening.

As women, we have received so many messages from parents, media, etc that we must be careful of sexual violence. Right from when we are young: don't walk home alone, don't wear those clothes, be careful not to lead anyone on etc etc.

Over our lives it can add up to a strong awareness for potential danger when faced with unwelcome sexual interest from someone - especially when not handled the right way.

Men typically have not been brought up to fear that so can struggle with "it's just a whistle, a whistle cannot hurt you".

I remember having a similar conversation with a male friend in which he saw putting a hand on a knee as a gentle form of flattery and I tried to explain that it could also be the single most scary thing that had happened to someone - DEPENDING on who was placing the hand on you. Someone you like, trust and have been flirting with? Sure, a brief touch can be thrilling. Your boss who holds economical and professional power over you and who has a reputation as sexually pushy? Fucking terrifying and very threatening.

I would still hope your dh would listen and try to understand why you found it scary, though.

Preparefortroublemakeitdouble · 05/06/2018 16:39

No I didn't call the police. I was so shocked and then my Dh minimised it in such a way, I thought I was being stupid.

summerinrome · 05/06/2018 16:42

I think you are expecting a reaction from your dh and actually you are just coming across as a little attention seeking.

I don't think it is right that people should whistle, but it is hardly the end of the world for a fully developed adult woman to deal with this in a mature fashion.

You should have totally ignored the whistler and carried on walking. You then engaged in a conversation and encouraged even more attention from him, you must know by now that ignoring or pulling him up on his behaviour would have been better

RemainOptimistic · 05/06/2018 16:43

Of course you stayed calm and positive towards this man - you were being threatened. It makes sense in that situation to appease, you have no idea if he's about to grab you, stab you, grope you...

Fuck's sake some of the responses on here, victim blaming much?! Be glad you have never been a victim of this type of entitled sexist shit.

OP your DH just doesn't get it. Most of us here do.

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