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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit sad for my son?

35 replies

PumpkinPie2016 · 05/06/2018 15:45

I am probably being totally ridiculous but I am feeling quite low at the moment so please be gentle.

I am married and me and my husband have one little boy who is 4. For various reasons, our son will remain an only child and I am mostly very happy with that decision (can't change it even if I wasn't).

Our son is loved and has grandparents/aunts and uncles/neighbours all of whom love him to bits. He goes to preschool full time and seems to have plenty of friends there - always talks about them and gets plenty of party invitations. Lots of his friends came to his party too. He has swimming lessons in a group and I take him to messy church where there at lots of the kids and adults. He sees plenty of people and I know he is extremely lucky.

However, we have just had half term and at points, I felt really sad for him as wherever we went - swimming/park/lunch/library etc I saw other kids with their siblings/friends and my son is just stuck with me to play with Sad due to my working hours, I don't really know any preschool parents to meet up with and we live rurally where our neighbours don't have young children for him to play with.

I just feel like although I try to do lots with him, he missed out on having playmates of his own age. In fairness, he seems happy and I am hoping that when he starts school this year we can start having kids to play/for tea.

I was going to get him into gymnastics classnor something but the timings are after school and to be honest he is shattered and just wants his own house and toys.

So, I suppose I am asking aibu to feel a bit sad but equally to keep going as we at until he is a bit older and can invite kids round from school/has enough energy for an extra club? Does anyone else have this with their only child?

OP posts:
Germantree · 05/06/2018 16:00

Hello, sorry I only have one child but she is very small so I'm not really in the same position yet, but just felt your post needed someone to reassure you.
My husband is an only child and fwiw he LOVES it. Always talking about how much he loved his childhood. He was always centre of attention, doting mum and dad, super confident at school because he almost (arrogantly!) assumed everyone would be as interested in him as his family was! (I should add that he's grown up since and is very humble and lovely now). I understand the feeling of wanting another to give him a sibling, but if that's not an option, please believe me that it's not the end of the world. As long as he is happy and loved he will be fine. Like you said, hes starting school soon anyway where he will meet hundreds of new people throughout the years. And he can't miss what he doesn't know, if that makes sense. I'm sure his childhood memories will be happy ones whether or not he has a sibling.

Germantree · 05/06/2018 16:03

Also should add that a close friend has a sibling who is only 18 months younger than her - they have never got on, and always fought. Now they are both grown up they are practically estranged. Clearly having a sibling does not guarantee a happy playmate!

MrsPatmore · 05/06/2018 16:05

There is a one child thread on mumsnet which is useful to read through.

AmazingPostVoices · 05/06/2018 16:10

Play dates and extracurricular activities will pick up as he gets older.

One of my DD’s best friends is an only and she’s a great wee girl with loads of friends.

Her parents sign her up for lots of holiday club activities and often invite friends for days out.

Wearelocal · 05/06/2018 16:12

Don't worry, he'll have plenty of friends when he gets to school. I'm an only child and I loved it. No sharing (I still can't share food!) and undivided attention. I went to every club going and had lots of friends.

kitkatsky · 05/06/2018 16:12

Right now he's too young to notice and you're still the centre of his world, so don't beat yourself up. Once she starts school he'll make friends and the situation will hugely improve

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2018 16:14

My DBro made my childhood a misery. Stop worrying about another life that you have absolutely no idea would be better. And could be worse.

Tiredofit · 05/06/2018 16:57

I have 3dcs but the older two are 22 and 20 so ds3(11) has always been like an only child. His best friend in school is an only child and we often take him out with us or ds goes with his family. However ds often prefers to go alone with me and loves his own company. He does go to clubs and groups but is always glad to get home. It will get easier as he gets older and makes friends at school. Quite a few of ds's friends are only children. I think it's quite a popular choice these days.

Original poster
PumpkinPie2016 · 05/06/2018 17:14

Thank you for the responses so far - you have all helped Smile
As he gets older, I would be more than happy to take a friend out with us so that will hopefully be an option if he wants to.

I should be thankful really - he is very good at amusing himself!

I do understand that siblings aren't always a good thing - I am the middle of 3 and though I always got on with my older brother, I never really got on with my younger sister and she actually made my life quite difficult when we were early/mid teens.

OP posts:
ferrier · 05/06/2018 17:14

I think you will find that once he starts school this will be a total non-issue. Much better to be an only child than a child with one other sibling that you really don't get on with.

girlwithadragontattoo · 05/06/2018 17:16

My mum and dad had kids later on in life after they had me, there's 10 and 13 years age between me and my brothers. It never bothered me at all! I used to love playing with my mum and never thought any different as i knew no different. I made friends, funnily enough my closet friend has older sisters that are 15 years old than her so she was in a similar position. I think it'll be fine

Millybingbong · 05/06/2018 17:17

Loads of threads about one child families at the mo.
I am just referring fights and squabbles all the live long day..

BottleOfJameson · 05/06/2018 17:17

I also have an only and also share your concerns. On the other hand though our DC has a wonderfully close relationship with both parents. We're very willing to be silly and play etc. so I think she has a lovely time. As she's started school it's much easier as you she has specific friends who can be invited along to things so she always has a playmate.

MinaPaws · 05/06/2018 17:18

You are so aware of this possible problem that it won't end up being a problem. He's socialised and popular in school. I'd just ensure that he has friends over to play after school at least twice a week (or goes to them) so that he learns to share, learns to navigate when they have moods or are unfair to him etc as well as just having a friend to muck about with. My neighbour has an only child but their garden is constantly fille dwith the sounds of other children. She childminds some days, he has friends to play and his cousin comes over a lot. He never seems lonely.

CookPassBabtridge · 05/06/2018 17:24

Wow OP you do loads with your son, please don’t feel sad. He has a really full life! He is only 4. He will make friends at school.

Butterflykissess · 05/06/2018 17:27

I don't think it always picks up when they go to school. My 2 have never been invited to any school friends houses or any parties and they are in year 1 and 2.

Fireballfriends · 05/06/2018 17:30

My 4 year old has two baby siblings who very much restrict what we do and he would have given his right arm to have had a week of undivided attention from me. I can see that changing for a long time (if ever). There are pros and cons to any family dynamic and you just need to make the most of whatever situation you happen to to have. I have not known any adults or children without siblings who wish they had them. I'm sure this is much more an issue for you than it is for him. He sounds very happy, probably down to your lovely family dynamic.

ScipioAfricanus · 05/06/2018 17:34

Is that massively helpful, Butterfly? Most children do make some friends or have play dates. My son is an only, not by choice, and he does better socially than I used to (I’ve never had many friends, a small number is best for me luckily!).

OP, try not to worry. I have some only child friends who loved and love it. And since it’s not a choice you shouldn’t agonise over what you can’t change. My son has a good number of friends but is self sufficient too. School hols and away on holiday is where it bites you. Mine is 7 so I arrange paydates and will stay doing some holiday clubs for company. When he’s a few years older we will start taking a friend away in holiday with us for him.

bert3400 · 05/06/2018 17:41

I am an only child and it's all I have ever known , so don't worry that your son is missing out . I have freinds who have siblings and they hate each other . No point in worring about things you can't change . Life is to short .

BadTasteFlump · 05/06/2018 17:44

As others have said, having a sibling doesn't necessarily mean you have a friend. My sister was awful to me growing up and we have a strained relationship now - I know plenty of other people who don't get on with their siblings, it's definitely not uncommon. The important thing is your DC is happy, confident and loved Flowers

NataliaOsipova · 05/06/2018 17:47

I'm an only. I have two. My DH is one of three. FWIW, as my two get on famously (of which there are no guarantees), I think they have the best deal. But my DH and I agree that I had a better deal than him, as he didn't ever get on with his siblings and feels like he lacked a lot of parental attention because of them. What conclusions can you draw from that? None - everyone's personal experiences are different. There are pros and cons of every situation, as there are with everything else in life. Focus on the positives while trying to mitigate the negatives (friends round to play etc). But please don't beat yourself up about it.

AmazingPostVoices · 05/06/2018 17:49

My 2 have never been invited to any school friends houses or any parties and they are in year 1 and 2.

There can be all sorts of reasons for that Butterfly.

Do you invite other children to your house? Have you arranged parties or get togethers?

wrenika · 05/06/2018 18:08

I was an only child, a shy only child as well, and I certainly don't feel that I missed out in any way. In fact, I'd go as far as to say I'd dislike having a sibling cause I had my parents all to myself...why would I want to share them with a sibling!

Original poster
PumpkinPie2016 · 05/06/2018 18:46

Thank you again for all the replies. It's nice to hear of so many happy only children!

A few of his preschool friends have baby siblings but so far, he has never questioned it or expressed a desire to have one!

I will make sure we invite other kids round to play as much as possible when he starts school and keep doing things with him.

OP posts:
Roomba · 05/06/2018 18:54

It will probably get easier once he's been at school a while and has friends you can invite over to play and so on.

Honestly, siblings are often a source of more anguish than pleasure as a child, especially if there's a bit of an age gap. Even if close in age, they're not always close.

My sister and I have almost nothing in common. We don't look alike, we have no shared interests at all and we detested each other as children! We get on okay now, though we don't see each other often due to distance - also no incentive to socialise more as we still have nothing in common at all.

My children's father absolutely loved being an only child. He hated the thought of siblings and said he often worried a lot that his mother would have another child when he was young. He's in his 40s now and has been most pit out to discover he has a half sister recently (via 23andme!).

If your DS is happy, please don't feel guilty.

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